Bachelor Party blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Bachelor Party blues
4
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:01pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:50pm

The situations (drinking, gift giving and home repairs) are not connected. His guilt-laying trips are ways of diverting the the focus of the conversation (argument) off the subject (his drinking) and onto a "hot topic" that will push your buttons and have you defending yourself, feeling guilt, etc. The result is the topic has become everything wonderful he does, rather than the subject at hand -- his drinking. Keep sight of your topic and when he tries to go off, tell him, "that's not what we're talking about right now, we're talking about the drinking. We can talk about that subject later." Regarding the topics he brings up themselves, they have nothing to do with your concern regarding his drinking. Great that he's bought you an expensive gift, it was his choice to do that. Great that he's done repairs/remodels to your condo, again that was his choice to do. If you need to set up an agreement where he keeps track of materials and labor costs so you can reimburse him in the future, great. That, of course, would mean projects and their price has to be agreed upon before they're done. I would also suggest you set a limit of how much drinking you're willing to tolerate, draw your line and be ready and willing to stick to it. He sounds like an alcoholic who has had a lull period and is now back getting into full swing of bingeing. I'm sure you know bingeing is a indication of alcoholism. Denial and avoiding discussing the problem are also indicators.


Appreciating what he's done and not being accepting to a relationship that involves serious over drinking have nothing to do with each other and can't be put in the same discussion or context. Don't be tricked into feeling guilty or bad for things that aren't yours to feel guilty or bad about. IMO, you won't be responsible if you lose this relationship to alcohol, he will; you can't control how much or when he drinks, only he can do that, and it appears that lately he's not been too interested in moderation. It's very likely that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. If not, he's got all the indications of becoming one. Whether he is or not, you clearly know that he drinks to excess and will drink to excess when he chooses. You can't control his drinking whether he's alcoholic or not. But, if he's alcoholic, the problems that will come up are many, and that is something you should consider seriously.


I hope I'm wrong and that this is just an once in a lifetime episode, but it's likely more than that. I'd be very aware of his alcohol intake and know what my limit of acceptance was. I'd sit him down, tell him my concerns and lay out my limits. It's not yours to say how much he can drink, but it is yours to say how much you're willing to tolerate. Hard as it would be, I'd be prepared to act when my pre-set limit had been reached.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:42am

There are several things in your post that jump out as giant red flags that you seem to be ignoring:


"My boyfriend of 9 months used to drink very heavily...a 12 pack a day almost...and when we got together he drastically cleaned up his act for me. "


First red flag.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:35pm
Thank you! We talked it out a little this morning and he knows what he did and has done the past few days is leading back down a road he has travelled before. He agreed to divert his attention to healthier ways of living with biking and hiking. He made a good statement this morning to the effect of he knows what this does to me, but that's not the point. He stated that he has to do this for himself, regardless of how I feel about all of it. The change has to come from him. He said he would put an end to the recent drinking in an effort to divert his attention elsewhere. This is the short term solution. We will build on the long term during the next month. I guess I can't get a full answer overnight eh? :)
I want to say thank you to everyone who has responded to my post. I agree with you that this is a big deal and there are some serious choices to be made. He spends most of his time sober and if he can head off a relapse at the pass then maybe he can remain sober. He's a smart man and knows the full extent of his actions.
Maybe the thought of losing himself again, as well as our relationship, is enough to keep his mind right.
But above all this is HIS choice, not mine. He knows exactly where I stand and that's all I can do for now. I've agreed to support him through this, but not to the point where it hurts me such as last night. For once I think he gets how serious and senseless this all is.
Again THANK YOU!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:01pm

Kendra, what you've said here contains some very correct statements and some that are reason for serious concern.


When he says he must do this for himself, not for you or the relationship, he's entirely correct. Stopping drinking and maintaining sobriety has to be something he'd do even if you were completely out of the picture. This is his problem and only he can deal with it. When you say, "We will build on the long term during the next month.", you're out of line. We can't build on a long term solution, only he can. You can only be a bystander, a support to his effort. Along the lines of "long term solution", diversion and being active is good, but what is he doing to actively work on staying on top of his problem? Is he attending AA or another 12-step group? It's proven that most people who are successful in maintaining sobriety from whatever their drug of choice is are those who make AA, or whatever form of AA applies to their specific addiction, a frequent part of their lives.


it sounds like your boyfriend hasn't and doesn't intend to stop drinking, rather he plans to "slow down". You should know that for alcoholics there is no amount of alcohol that's acceptable or tolerable. Continuing to drink "a little" will mean that he'll continue in the cycle of bingeing, cleaning up a little, then eventually back to bingeing again. It means you'll continue to have this problem.


Something for you to think about....
My ex-husband is an alcoholic. He stopped drinking many times, he even went through a 30-day inpatient treatment program, which was his choice to do -- his idea, his offer. It gave me great relief and happiness to know that he was finally going to really take care of his problem. Unfortunately, it was short lived. You know why? Despite the fact that he said he wanted to do it for him, it was suggested when I brought up the subject of his drinking and let him know I was done dealing with it. The fact is, he didn't go to rehab to stop drinking, he went to keep me from leaving. Some time after the 30-days was up, he went back to drinking, slowly, but right back he went. The fact that your boyfriend decided that it was time to redirect his focus to stop drinking came at your bringing up your concerns about it is a red flag that despite what he says, he's doing it to keep you there, not because he really wants to stop drinking. Something to keep in mind.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"