Bad combination of couch material

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Bad combination of couch material
17
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 11:07pm

Well gals, I'm back again. Maybe I'm in the wrong place and should go over to the "codependents & love addicts" board...not sure...!

For anyone wondering - yes, already in therapy almost weekly.

Life's not so tumultuous for the time being (last several days lol!) and other important life and family issues are getting resolved. BUT, I am worried still about the one topic I keep coming back to haunt all of you with - my relationship.

Of course everyone says "run" "flee" "leave" or as most of you are probably wanting to say "just stop whining and leave the guy" - easier said than done. Especially when there are SO many things I sincerely love about this person (however I don't seem them on a regular basis now that I think of it). However, I think that the issues both of us have combined make for a very intimidating mountain to climb...not really that I don't want to face it but I don't know if he is willing to do the work required.

You see, I think both of us have so much work to do on ourselves, however we do love each other. Being so far into this relationship and so emotionally invested is so difficult because I'm seeing things more for what they are now.

I know for myself that I am very demanding. Due to family history I struggle immensely with relationships and somehow end up in very destructive ones; this time with an emotionally unavailable person. Sometimes he is not like that however most of the time he is and the frustrating part for me is that because of my issues, sometimes I don't know if I'm right or just overreacting!

When we first met he was very engaging and showered me with attention but it was like after he got me, reality was just too boring. Most times he has excuses...and I was really trying to consider this whole "accept him as he is" thing and he (lately) had been putting forth more effort for me and it really meant a lot, but it's not consistent. Most times I feel like he is so distant, he usually has a spaced out look...when we are together we are usually watching movies or tv, or have our children playing together. The other evening he came over with his son. Wait let me back up a bit...

So the other night after yet another fight, and he wanted to break it off but then said despite the drama, he still really loves me (we never really talked about it though he mentioned talking but when I asked, he said there wasn't much to talk about and that we "just love each other" and both of us need to "keep trying harder" (yes I agree to that 100%). So I was like ok whatever, I guess we'll just never discuss the issues brought up in anger that may hold a lot of truth.

I felt like I was wrong in the argument though I apologized, got over it, he was still angry, wanted time, space etc. I said I apologized & stopped acting childish so could he do that also? And let's just have a good night...no, he couldn't do it. (Although mind you, my reaction I tried very hard to keep to myself was to something that was a trigger from the trust issue, and my gut reaction was complete anger and annoyance though I did that initially, I tried to stuff it and leave the room to just get over it and he came in and kept asking what was wrong, I didn't even want to bring it up but just wanted to let myself get over it because I knew I was overreacting). Anyway, after parting ways he said he would call the next day after a certain activity he does that ends at noon (and then put off calling until 6 at night) I was pretty annoyed and acted so and he said, well he was reconsidering but he thinks he might still want to end it (cuz I was annoyed that he put me off all day). Anyway, after going back and forth and finally I end up putting all my pride aside and crying and saying that I love him very much (it seems his pride never bends for some reason) and still stubbornly wants to put me off (it's almost like a control thing), he wants to think, then calls the next day without revealing much emotion and says that he's tired of the arguing (which I agree on though I think some of that is due to his actions also) but that he still loves me very much (can you SAY it with any LESS emotion?) and that's his "dilemma". Meanwhile he said he kept "slipping" back into being with me before and I told him not to "slip" this time but be with me wholeheartedly either because he wants to or don't cuz I need someone fully present.

Long story, well not short but shorter anyway, we're back together without much discussion of resolution over underlying issues (one was his emotional unavailability which I said could have had a lot to do with the breakdown of his previous marriage - oooh he didn't like that, he blamed HER for most of it & during the argument he admitted that maybe he needs to talk to someone - you know, the old textbook emotional issues stemming from past issues with parental figures, blah blah blah ).

So next day, he surprises me by bringing me a Christmas tree & a stand. I literally have tears in my eyes for a while just because he thought of me unexpectedly. (yes I'm still broke, oh and btw I got into an accident on Thanksgiving - yes I'm fine and so was the other person)
So the day after that he comes over with his son, I run out to the grocery store, get back and try to make a really nice meal. When I ask him to do a couple of things to help me (wash tomatoes, grate cheese, slice bread - to which he commented "what is it like carving a turkey? you can't do it yourself? but when I got upset at that he said he was "just joking"), he seems completely unresponsive, almost annoyed that I'm asking him to get up from the couch after he's been working so hard pushing papers behind a desk (but somehow still finds enough time to surf the net quite a bit) however because I'm a SAHM of 2 and don't have a job anything that maybe I do or need help with I should be able to handle since "that's my job" right? (made that comment when we were arguing). Oh and that evening also said "jokingly" that he thought getting the tree would at least "buy him a couple of days"...?????!!!!!

Anyway, we've seen each other with our children the last couple of nights, tonight he didn't have his kids and I offered to make his favorite dessert (since I was to tired too yesterday and we also decorated the Christmas tree) if he wanted to come over later, however he said he needs to clean his house (but I am quite sure he is out shopping right now spending the money he just got from RETURNING the bed he bought for my daughter after he got one from next to the dumpster, however the box spring was in plastic so it MUST be ok & after that I'm sure he'll be thoroughly enmeshed in surfing ebay for the cheapest XBOX 360 he can find to buy now...although he doesn't really KNOW I know how much he's been looking this thing up)

My dilemma ladies - I know I have problems, I am trying to deal with them. I love this man and over and over with sincerity in his eyes and occasional action he tries to show me his love for me - one day he came over and worked really hard to help me clean up my house. Occasionally he'll offer to make dinner (usually doesn't, come to think of it, he never has), or he'll make a dessert like brownies or something just to be nice, or he'll help me with my kids when they're misbehaving and when he feels up to it he'll play with them. Even the other day when I was feeling overwhelmed, he took my son to the grocery store with him just to give me a break for a little while. He offers sometimes when he's over for me to go take a bath (I never do, but maybe I should?).

For the most part we usually don't "talk" about anything meaningful and I don't know at this point if it's him, or me, or both, and if so what do I do (besides therapy) more along action-wise, what does he do and I know everyone says "love's not enough" however we both really do love each other, I think we are both willing to try for the sake of our relationship and have both tried (though I don't know if he could be doing more or if I'm just such a pain that he might do more if I leave him alone...??) but we want to save this relationship and I know neither of us wants to see it go under but we need help and concrete ways to save this relationship but without him in therapy with me, it's impossible for anyone to see the entire situation.
I really do think he's very emotionally unavailable, not completely but he doesn't know how to be emotionally intimate with another human being very well or very often anyway. I've seen effort from him but I don't know what to do since this situation is so compounded by the problems we both have. Both of us really have family background issues and this is like exploring foreign territory for both of us - he thinks it's unhealthy because no matter what, if an important issue comes up, because of his desire to squelch anything serious or emotional, it usually ends up being strained at best (if not a full blown argument) and he perceives that as "negative conflict"; I however see his rusted shut doors of communication opening somewhat (and me learning to be calm)and I feel like it's "progress". So I don't know if it is that I am unnerving and unsettling his "comfort zone" by shaking his indifference to the core with my explosive personality and making progress, or am I just so dominating and tyrannical (which I've been known to do, no little miss muffet here) which was compounded by the whole "trust issue" which caused him to pull away so much (though even my therapist agrees that he has a lot of "avoidance behaviors")? Which is it?
Ok if anyone cares to read all this and respond, lay it on me...!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 1:21am

Quirky's previous posts can be found here:


Healing from Porn?

His move or mine?

Don't know if we're gonna make it....

Breakthrough...

Not getting much better...

Standing my ground!

Who is right/Who is wrong?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 3:09am

Quirky, I've got to start this by saying that I'm very uncomfortable answering you at all. You're seeing a therapist, which is very good -- but in a previous post you said your therapist thinks you're doing the right thing, moving in the right direction while we are pretty much in agreement that you're not. Getting conflicting information isn't helpful and let's be honest -- you are paying your therapist -- who is a trained and licensed professional -- to work with you. It's much more appropriate for you to discuss these issues with her and take her suggestions than to hear the opposite from us. Another important aspect, which you've mentioned before, is that your therapist is aware of information that we are not, as you said, you share more with her. It's very possible that she has information that would make a huge difference in what's suggested to you. I've made you aware of my uneasiness and let you know your therapist is the appropriate place to discuss these issues. That's my disclaimer, now I'm going to tell you what I think, and it's gonna be long ;)


First of all, it would be very helpful to have some understanding about what your fight was about. You apologized, said you were wrong, and were a bit upset that he didn't do the same, but we don't have any idea what the problem was; maybe you were completely off to have apologized, maybe he's the one who should have been apologizing to you, we don't have any clue and can't really respond to any of that part of your post without some understanding of what happened.


Therapy "almost weekly" isn't so bad. I remember feeling like I'd made a huge breakthrough when my therapist knocked our sessions down from once a week to once every other week. I think weekly is a pretty common starting ground. (and if you've been there a long time already, that's okay too)


Quirky, I hear you say you're both willing to "keep trying harder". Try what? What is it the two of you are doing that you consider "trying"? Is it simply hanging in there and not giving up? Doing something differently? Working actively together with a plan to resolve problems? What are you "trying"? Is sucking it up and not letting your anger show "trying"? If the action that causes the anger will continue as a result of personalities, etc., that's just holding back, not resolving. Because what I'm hearing are two people with two very different wants, needs and personalities continuing to bash heads as a result of the very real differences and calling that "trying".


"Due to family history I struggle immensely with relationships and somehow end up in very destructive ones; this time with an emotionally unavailable person." If you term this relationship "another" destructive one, that should be all you need to know you need to exit regardless of your feelings. Destructive is destructive is destructive, regardless of how you feel. Emotionally unavailable is a personality, a character, it is not changeable. If you do not like being with someone who is emotionally unavailable this is not the man for you whether you love him or not. It will continue forever and those times when he is available will dwindle some with time and you're satisfaction will dwindle with it. You won't get used to being with someone who's emotionally unavailable, you'll crave it and miss it more and more. You're headed down a path of despair and sadness for yourself.


You've said you both have issues, but it seems to me you're the only one interested in working on your issues, I don't see him making an effort. If he's satisfied with who he is, you'd better resolve yourself that what you're seeing is what he is and will be, period. If you're both actively working on your own issues and really feel it's the individual issues that each of you have that are causing problems, then agree to end your relationship temporarily, work on your individual issues and get back together when you've "cleaned up". The clashing is eroding your relationship, so take a break to stop the destruction before there's nothing left. If, after completing therapy you find you're not right for each other (or one of you has moved on) it simply means the relationship was not right. You're still "cleaned up" and ready for a healthy relationship.


"...the frustrating part for me is that because of my issues, sometimes I don't know if I'm right or just overreacting!" If you feel that you haven't had enough therapy to be appropriate in a relationship, then exit the relationship until after you've completed therapy. Otherwise, it doesn't matter whether you're "right or overreacting", one person's "right" is another person's "overreacting"; if it's right for you, then it's right. If he feels it's overreacting, then it's about differences in basics (again), personalities, character. When you find the person who agrees with your view of "right" you've found the guy who's compatible to you. Same with "very demanding". A guy who can take "very demanding" is the right guy for you. An ex-boyfriend warned my then-boyfriend, now-husband that I was "abrasive" (stifling a chortle here); my husband looked at him and dryly and sarcastically said, "Really." It was not news. Some people really do not care for my personality and wouldn't tolerate me for a second. Others think I'm great because of my approach. We all have differences and quirks, the right partner accepts and thrives with your personality. A struggle means they're not compatible.


"..."just stop whining and leave the guy" - easier said than done. Especially when there are SO many things I sincerely love about this person (however I don't see them on a regular basis now that I think of it)." Food for thought -- and not thought you want to think. Sometimes you can get stuck loving what "used to be" rather than what is. You keep looking back at how great it used to be and cling to what it was rather than looking honestly at what it is, how long it's been as it is and assessing your relationship for what it is not what it was. Present tense, not past.


"When we first met he was very engaging and showered me with attention but it was like after he got me, reality was just too boring. "Earth to Quirky -- this is absolutely normal and common. What you were seeing then was "new guy impressing new girl". That lasts around eight months to a year typically. Then the relationship gets more stable, feels comfortable, relaxing and being who you really are is what happens. A boyfriend of mine was fantastic for almost the first full year. We talked about anything and everything, we did lots of things together, always checking out this or that, Friday and Saturday nights were always filled with tons of fun. Our relationship was close and really special. After that first year he didn't want to go out so much, and instead of talking and being together (other than physically in the same house, I mean) coming in from work, going straight to the TV and staying there pretty much wordlessly until bedtime became typical. I raised concerns that our very special relationship was slipping and needed some changes and attention before it became less than the great relationship it was. He agreed, but did nothing different. I planned events, shut the TV off so we could really be together -- made an effort to change things. He went along with them as long as I made the effort, but if I didn't, it was back to silence and the TV. I complained. Told him I needed to see him show effort to make a difference. He'd agree and make an effort for maybe three nights or so, then slowly it slipped right back to TV and silence. This cycle repeated itself for six months or so. I realized this is who he was, this was the real him. The guy I'd known before had been actively entertaining me, making sure to "seal" the relationship. Once our relationship was set and secure, he no longer had a need to impress me, it was okay to relax and be who he really was. It's not fair, we think we're dating guys who really are who they seem to be, but really they're who they think they need to be to keep us interested. It's after that first year that you get to see who he really is. Like I told my boyfriend, "This may be what makes you happy, it may be enough for you and if so, that's fine. But it's not enough for me and I won't stay if this is all there is because it's not enough for me." When I told him the relationship was over, he begged for "another chance", but by then I'd gotten a clue and knew "another chance" was simply another period of time where he'd do his dance before settling in to who he really was again. I wasn't interested in a repeat. It's perfectly normal, not fair, but normal. You have to stay alert to what you want in a relationship and stay true to that. Hoping he'll revert back will not make you happy and will not make him change. You'll just be beating your head against a brick wall that will not bend or break.


As far as his actions and reaction post-argument (acting annoyed, not calling when he said he would, suggesting maybe it was time to call it quits), it could be one of two things. He may be using these as tactics to "threaten" you with, to keep you in line ("better be good to me or I'll leave...."). It could also be a way to avoid focusing on the issues, if you're afraid he'll leave, you walk on eggshells, suck up your feelings, an certainly don't discuss the problem, it could be a way to avoid really dealing with the issues. Or it could be that he's genuinely getting fed up, doesn't call because he doesn't want to go through the hassle of another argument (or the thought of talking to you is not pleasant at that time), acts annoyed because he is, and suggests it may be time to end because he's getting close to the end.


He may be making an effort to be who he was in the beginning of your relationship, but he's not slipping back when he doesn't put forth that effort, he's going back to who he really is, the guy you've been seeing that doesn't lavish you with attention and gifts. That's the real him, Quirky.


"said could have had a lot to do with the breakdown of his previous marriage - oooh he didn't like that, he blamed HER for most of it" Of course you know a guy who blames his ex for all the problems in the relationship is not taking responsibility for his part in it, and will make all the problems in your relationship your fault too. Hmmm, that's kind of what he's doing, isn't it....not taking responsibility and blaming you.


Comments about your abilities, agitation when asked to help, commenting that buying you something should get him off the hook for a few days (joking or not) are all huge indicators of exactly what he thinks, how he feels and what he expects. He doesn't think he should have to help, you should do it all, and that thought process is built into him, it's not going to change. He figures he can buy you something and sit back and you'll do all the work. Kind of a 1950's sort of arrangement, men don't pitch in around the house, that's woman's work. He doesn't see you as a partner, he doesn't think he should have to do what you do. You cook and clean -- his place too. He's offered to fix meals but never has, makes other suggestions that he's probably pretty certain will get him points but he knows you well enough to know that you won't take him up on it. You're the caretaker, you've said it yourself.


I know you don't want to hear this Quirky, but the money issue is not okay. It's his money to spend as he chooses. He can buy 100 x-boxes if he wants, you may not like it, but it's his choice to make. Your responsibility is your children, not his. Quirky, I have been a destitute single mother. I've had months where I literally did not have enough money to buy enough food. The kids ate, I did not. During that time I allowed myself one apple per day and dinner Friday night. If there were enough leftovers from the kids dinner for a second meal for them, it got saved, if there wasn't enough left over fort that, I got to eat it. I lost a lot of weight and the kids asked why I was never hungry enough to eat dinner with them, but we got through it. During this time, I had a boyfriend who had plenty of money. He was not aware of my situation, because I did not tell him; it was my problem, not his. He bought himself toys, and whatever else he chose, it was his money to spend as he chose.



What it comes down to, Quirky, is that while you care very much for this man, you don't like who he is, what his choices are, how he acts/reacts and thinks much of the time. This is who he is, Quirky. Loving him won't change the reality of who he is, how he acts, what he thinks, etc. Compatibility is what it's about and you're finding more and more reason to be dissatisfied, despite the fact that you so want him to be who you picture him to be in your head. Being happy with who you see "sometimes" is not okay, not enough, not even close.
The Truth About the Power of Love

Just because you have feelings for someone does not make them right for you. Attraction to a person or to a type of person doesn't mean they're right either. Truth be told, I have an attraction to "bad boys". I always have. But I've steered clear because I also know they are not good for me no matter how attracted I am to them.

You know what I think? I think the porn issued opened your eyes to a guy who was not who you pictured him to be. As time goes on you're recognizing more and more. You're disillusioned, dissatisfied and disappointed. He is not who you thought he was.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 5:57am

>>Oh and that evening also said "jokingly" that he thought getting the tree would at least "buy him a couple of days"...?????!!!!!<<

What's with the question marks? Do you truly not understand what he meant? At the risk of answering a hypothetical question, he said this because he feels obliged to buy you stuff in order to keep you happy. Or he feels obliged to act in a way that is not normal to him in order to stop you complaining.

Either way, he's feeling that he has to act in a manner which he doesn't like - just to keep you quiet. This should strongly indicate to you that your expectations of the relationship are not the same as his expectations. Despite our warnings to accept him for the man he is, you're obviously still applying pressure on him to change his ways. You seemed surprised and disappointed that his good actions aren't consistent. It's as plain as day that they're not consistent because they aren't what he would *choose* to do.

And this is the problem from the start. You demand stuff from him and for whatever reason he stays quiet instead of telling you that he doesn't agree. Even to the point of lying about his habits in order to avoid angst. This is why he lied about the porn - he didn't want to face you getting angry about his habits. It was quite simply easier for him to lie by omission.

I still don't buy that he didn't know any better than to use porn. He knew full well what he was doing, he made a choice to do it, and the only reason that he didn't tell you was because you'd create a scene that he couldn't be bothered with.

Why you would ever even think that you could trust him to not use porn again is completely beyond me. Of course he's going to use it again and it's naive to think otherwise.

My only other comment is to agree with 2nd life that his money is his money and you have absolutely no right to get upset about how he spends it. HOWEVER, taking your daughter's bed back and replacing it with one that was being thrown away is bad form. I don't even know why you would bother with someone who reneges on their gifts to a child.




Edited 12/2/2005 6:01 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 10:34am

Regardless of his money being his money, I'm fed up.

I've realized yes that his money is his but with the "understanding" that we are supposed to be married sometime, I do feel his spending is irresponsible and selfish - I just saw he purchased the xbox for a thousand bucks. Of course he is trying also to sell his computer in order to make up for that but I have a serious problem with him spending money on a "toy" like that. I think he just keeps showing me the signs that he thinks of himself first and foremost. Oh and he hasn't told me any of this, I looked up his ebay name and just discovered this. Somehow such a LARGE purchase and sale doesn't seem worthy of mentioning...
The thing that bothers me the most is that he's not interested in growing up and surrounding himself with things worth learning. I mean really now, an x-box? I mean last year, he kept saying how much he wanted to get me this really nice telescope (never did) but I had mentioned that I was thinking of getting his snowboard for him and putting it on my credit card but he won money and bought it with that instead. To be perfectly honest, his actions just make me feel sick to my stomach, whether I say anything to him about it or not.

Yes I have too many problems with him. I do love him but I've had it up to my eyebrows with someone who only thinks about themselves.

Now I'm wondering though - we live 5 min away from one another. Is it possible to be friends? (my therapist did suggest that instead of a romantic relationship but I KNOW it would be EXTREMELY hard to just be "friends" and have nothing romantic going on between us). Do I just say we should just part ways point blank? (gosh that will feel like a sword through the heart) Do I say we just call it off for a while and that he needs help? (which he'll probably never get - he's too cheap to pay a co-payment for therapy - ha ha but should tell me where his priorities are and obviously I'm not one of them) I'm actually DISGUSTED with his behavior right now, I just feel like he is extremely self-centered. Never fully understood the dynamics of a love/hate relationship and the concept of loving a person but not liking them AT ALL until now....*sigh*. I know this will never be what I want it to be, it's just been such a slow process of coming to terms with the fact that I know I need to end this somehow. I hate goodbyes in any form...and I don't want to be that depressed, sobbing mess I'm just imagining in my head days from now...man I hate crying, but I am very unhappy in this relationship...

ps - 2nd life, the argument really wasn't an argument, you see back when the whole porn issue arose, there was a name I had remembered him looking up. I mentioned it and he covered it up as if he had something to hide (along with the porn). Much time went by and I didn't know who it was (had the sp of the last name wrong). I made the discovery it was a girl (his sexual preference) from a tv show that he watches all the time. Well, since it was all wrapped up in that whole porn/dishonesty/lying fiasco, it really bothered me knowing who it was and that he was watching her on this show all the time. Whether it was innocent or not, it bothered me and recently he's been pouring over the episodes a LOT again and I just got really annoyed and upset but I excused myself from his presence when I did or just got quiet knowing it was just a trigger from the past. I had left one day while he was watching it and was annoyed (not angry but definitely showed slight annoyance) but got over it. I came back hours later and he was still watching it and I had been hoping like crazy he would be doing something else so I got annoyed again, left the room to do something else and just not think about it, he came in asking and asking and asking "what's wrong", so I speak truthfully which may be unreasonable, but nonetheless truthful and thus began another argument where he proceeds to use his below the belt tactics the day before he had commented he was very sorry for ever doing and would try not to (yeah that lasted long).




Edited 12/2/2005 10:45 am ET by quirky_girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 10:56am

Quirky,

If you decide to end this because it's not what you want, isn't ever going to be what you want, you are sick of the treatment you are getting, etc etc, then WHY would you sit for days sobbing? Hold your head high and know that you are making a smart decision for you that is healthy and moving in the right direction. You would be sobbing for something that doesn't exist. And never has.

If you decide to stay with him, you have to stop trying to change him. You haven't done that yet and that is why you are getting annoyed. You say it's okay for him to be him and then get upset when he's himself and doesn't do XYZ that you think he should.

Oh--- and his comment about you and the cooking--that tells you EXACTLY what he thinks about work and dividing it up. And comments about thinking of leaving until you start toeing the line and sobbing, etc... That's him getting you to "change". He's found your trigger and will pull it out to control you into behaving the way he wants. He also thinks that you only want stuff. The comment about buying the tree shows that. You are more concerned about stuff than actual change in his mind.

How healthy is it for your children to watch all this?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 11:24am

I'm at work and probably shouldn't be responding at all, as I've only had the chance to quickly skim your response.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:08pm

I'm sure that somewhere in the dozens and dozens of posts to you, at least one person has said this before, but it doesn't seem like you "heard" it, so I'll say it again: love isn't enough. You also have to be compatible.

The two of you are clearly not. You will always be struggling with square peg/round hole with this guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:19pm

"I've realized yes that his money is his but with the 'understanding' that we are supposed to be married sometime."

I just need to comment on this sentance. With all of the problems that you are having right now why in the world do you have an understanding of getting married? Why is marriage even in your vocabulary with this man? Do you think that marrying him will resolve your problems? I can tell you based on personal observations as well as research studies I've read, that when people have a rocky courtship, then getting married actually makes things WORSE, and that the marriages never last very long.

I agree with you and with everybody else that you should probably break things off with . But even if you don't, I definitely think it would be a huge mistake for you to plan on marrying this man right now. If you do ever marry him make sure it's very far into the future when things have really changed and your relationship is functioning much better. But right now, you are making a huge mistake in even thinking about marriage with the way things are going.




Edited 12/2/2005 12:20 pm ET by rosewater99
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:59pm

Were either of your parents emotionally unavailable?

Everything he does is to avoid emoitonal intimacy. I'm not sure why you think with 'a little more work' 'trying harder' will change that. It won't. It's who he is.

Also do you like the parent-child dynamic that goes on in your relationship?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 2:20pm

Ok someone give me all the reasons why I need to do this before I talk myself out of it.

And when he asks for the reasons, do I give them to him even though they will make him angry and he will outrightly disagree and will say I'M the selfish one...or can I just tell him "I have my reasons and you can analyze yourself, end of story"? Should I just send an email?

When and how do I do this? And what do I do based on his reaction (if he wants to go talk to someone) OR he may just surrender passively (as would be more typical of him but would be very hurtful but would make it easier to walk away).

And he WILL start retaliating saying he's sorry for having done or bought me anything (the trip for my bday, the cell phone, the Christmas tree)

Yes my mother was emotionally unavailable, didn't realize it until recently that I was repeating that pattern... just lovely.

Somebody, anybody, can you help give me the ammo I need to do this or remind me of even the things I've said???!!!! Thanks!

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