Battling Facebook Jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Battling Facebook Jealousy
18
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 12:09pm

Well to summarize, i have extreme jealousy issues and maybe even control issues. Ive been trying to work on it though bc I know it stems from insecurity and insecurity is just not attractive but i have a problem trusting men and people in general. Anyway, Ive been with my bf now since Sept 2011 and we've been living together since August 2012. He's a good guy, Im insanely in love with him and I think hes faithful to me for the most part but I have a big issue with social media. I dont have a FB 'cause I dont really care for one yet but sometimes I feel like getting one just to give him a taste of his own medicine bc he's jealous too, maybe not to the extreme that I am but he's jealous. So basically I see that he requests random women sometimes (he requests guys too but obviously I dont care about the guys). I asked him why he's requesting these random women (which some look like whores)? He says to "grow his friends list" and to eventually "network his website" on there once he finishes the website. I also see that he likes pictures of models and shares them sometimes. Anyway, I didnt like being in the dark so I demanded he give me his password since he refuses to delete his account. He gave it to me the next day (probably after cleaning it up a little, who knows).

He assures me that hes not chatting with them, messaging them, flirting with them or commenting disrespectfully but I just feel like FB opens up doors to infidelity a lot more easily than if he didnt have a FB. It makes other women more easily accessible for him. He says that it depends on the person and that he has no intention of cheating on me, blah blah. Let me add that he would prefer that I dont have a FB either but the good manipulative excuse he has over me is his whole networking idea. Idk am I overreacting about FB? Any comments would be appreciated.   

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

cr001985 wrote:
<p>Well to summarize, i have extreme jealousy issues and maybe even control issues. Ive been trying to work on it though bc insecurity is an ugly thing but i have a problem trusting people. Anyway, Ive been with my bf now since Sept 2012 so about a yr and 7 months and we've been living together since August. He's a good guy, Im in love with him and I think hes faithful to me but I have a big issue with his FB. I dont have a FB 'cause I honestly dont care for one yet but he does. So recently I caught that he friend requests random women (he requests guys too but obviously i dont care about the guys). I asked him why hes requesting these random women (which some look like whores by the way)? He says to "grow his friends list" and to eventually "network his website" on there once he finishes it and that they have hundreds of 'friends' which could possibly bring him business or open doors for him, one girl has over 1,000 friends but w/e. I didnt that response one bit. I almost threatened to leave him bc of this.</p><p>He assures me hes just growing his friends list and network potential and that hes not communicating with them, flirting with them or commenting on anything. He refuses to delete his FB account and refuses to allow me to control who he requests to be on his FB. I told him tthat I need his password then if thats going to be the case. He gave me his password the day after we fought about this so im pretty sure he cleaned up his FB a little (This was a few weeks ago). Since then I've been checking practically every other day and it seems to be pretty innocent but now I checked more thoroughly and I saw that he commented on a girls pic back in May 2012, saying "nice ;)". To me, that was flirtatious and disrespectful! Ive been crying all morning. I never thought he would leave that comment knowing how jealous WE BOTH ARE. Anyway, I feel FB opens up doors to infidelity more easily. He says that it depends on the person, that FB might make it easy but its the person who ultimately has to make the choice to act on it. A part of me says to just break up with him and try to find someone that doesnt have a FB account or will easily delete their account for me. Granted, I have his password now so I should gain a little more trust but im still not happy especially with the fact that I caught that comment from May 2012. Idk what to do. Any comments would be appreciated.   </p>

That depends upon how badly you want to hear some objective truth... or if you want validation to your insecurities.

Until you've got your jealousy, control and trust issues completely worked out with a therapist and resolved and put to rest, you will never have a relationship that will work out for you. Period.  No one will tolerate what you're doing for very long.

I don't blame him at all for refusing to delete his FB account.  I also don't blame him for refusing to allow you to control who he friends. He's a grown man and not a child; you are not his mother.

You have no proof that he did anything like "cleaning up FB" other than your insecurity telling you that.  Really.

Him saying "nice" on someone's picture is meaningless and it is not flirting.  It's him making a comment on a picture of someone he knows.  It's you adding the tone to meet what your'e conjuring in your head. You are twisting events to serve your purposes of controlling him and making him responsible for your jealousy and trust issues. He's not responsible for that. That is something YOU needed to have had worked out before you entered into a relationship.  You did not enter into this whole: you entered in with a lot of damage going on and you're expecting him to own it. That is not fair.

FB does not lend itself to anything that that person hasn't already made up their minds to do already.

You need to break up with him so that you can go do the necessasry work to get yourself whole and emotionally healthy. From what you've written here, you're not there.  Having his password means nothing with regards to your trust.  If you truly trusted him, you wouldn't even be checking every other day.  You would have believed him and let it go a long time ago. You would have no need to control anything with regards to him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I have a FB account, but rarely even look at it, I'm truly not that interested.  But some are, like my DH.  He rather enjoys having debates, it's like an outlet for him, and he's also "growing his list".  But you should not just add ANYBODY who comes along - why would you do that?  Once you get to know somebody thru their posts on FB and LIKE them, to me that's the time to decide whether to friend them or not - he doesn't HAVE to friend somebody just because they ask you to, which I know happens all the time with perfect strangers.  I think FB has gotten out of hand for a lot of people and you need to be cautious what you throw on there.  I read awhile back anything you put on there FB is allowed to use as they wish, and IF that is true, yikes.  He's friending everybody, much better to hold off long enough to know if they really could be friends.  But....if you are already the jealous type, you may never be comfortable with him having a lot of activity on there.  Even if you talk to him about FB making you uncomfortable, don't you think it's time to see a pro to get to the bottom of your control and jealousy issues?  That's what they're out there for.

 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

First, I think you must have meant you've been together since September 2011?  Otherwise, you've been together less than a year.  I assumed the 2012 was a typo.  

Is his explanation that he's growing a friend base in order to benefit his business is something that makes sense to you?  I assume it is as you didn't indicate that sounded like a phony excuse to you, but would like to hear from you rather than assume.  I also need to know if your boyfriend has never given you a reason to doubt his fidelity.  Both these things are important in giving you a good response.  I could jump to conclusions but would rather know for certain and give you a response that's  based on your actual situation than to give a response that's based on how I assume it is.  I'll be checking back for your response.



~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005

Thank you for replying. No, he has never given me a reason to mistrust him at all.. However, many people that cheat seem trustworthy so still, he's perfectly capable of it.

Do I feel like the intention of friend requesting some of these random women is to cheat on me? Not necessarily.

Am I skeptical though? Always. I never fully 100% blindly trust anyone. 

Now on another note (after analyzing)...

1. He sends friend requests to MEN too, not just women.

2. Not all women he sends friend requests to are "attractive or sexy" women.

3. He gave me his password -- So by doing that, it "seems" like he's trying to show me that he's not doing anything disrespectful, that he doesn't have bad intentions and that he's not communicating with them.

Now, I know some people like to add anyone and everyone just so they can be one of those people that have over 200 friends. I find that slightly immature but I can understand wanting a lot of people on your friends list because it just looks better than having only a few people.

After giving this some thought, I dont feel this is a strong enough reason to break up the relationship over. Especially if hes not flirting with them or communicating with them however, I still haven't fully accepted this and I'm still uncomfortable with it even though he friend requests random men too (but obviously I don't care about the men). Aside from that, the relationship is pretty great! Ugh.

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

cr001985 wrote:
<p>Thank you for replying. No, he has never given me a reason to mistrust him at all.. However, many people that cheat seem trustworthy so still, he's perfectly capable of it.</p><p>Do I feel like the intention of friend requesting some of these random women is to cheat on me? Not necessarily.</p><p>Am I skeptical though? Always. I never fully 100% blindly trust anyone. </p><p>Now on another note (after analyzing)...</p><p>1. He sends friend requests to MEN too, not just women.</p><p>2. Not all women he sends friend requests to are "attractive or sexy" women.</p><p>3. He gave me his password -- So by doing that, it "seems" like he's trying to show me that he's not doing anything disrespectful, that he doesn't have bad intentions and that he's not communicating with them.</p><p>Now, I know some people like to add anyone and everyone just so they can be one of those people that have over 200 friends. I find that slightly immature but I can understand wanting a lot of people on your friends list because it just looks better than having only a few people.</p><p>After giving this some thought, I dont feel this is a strong enough reason to break up the relationship over. Especially if hes not flirting with them or communicating with them however, I still haven't fully accepted this and I'm still uncomfortable with it even though he friend requests random men too (but obviously I don't care about the men). Aside from that, the relationship is pretty great! Ugh.</p><p> </p>

What's with the "ugh" at the end of that?  Either the relationship is "pretty great" or it's not. Which is it?

If he's given you his passwords, then there is no "seems" about it: he is showing you that he's not doing anything disrespectful, has bad intentions or is communicating with them. 

Why do you believe him to be a liar? 

You not accepting what he's saying is you basically esteeming him as a liar--and why are you with a liar and someone you can't trust?  That's a colossal waste of time, energy and emotion and years you will never get back.

Is all of this about someone in your past who did something to you and you're making this guy own and pay for that?

From what you've written, you have absolutely nothing to hang your distrust on except what you make up in your head. That is going to have a really short shelf life with him, especially when he's not doing anything to warrant your behavior.

No adult should blindly trust anyone else--that's pretty much a given and no one here has suggested you do that--but when absolutely no evidence has been laid out to prove your imagination right, then this goes way beyond "blindly trusting" someone into believing that he's a liar and a cheat with no amount of proof changing your consideration of him... It really isn't a good idea to put someone you choose not to trust (through no fault of his own) through this kind of torture. It's mean and unfair. It's better for you and him both  for you to go work out and reconcile your issues and baggage from the past with a therapist.  As I've said before, he's not going to stick around for this level of emotional abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Why are you condemning your boyfriend before he has even done anything condemnable? I get that anybody is "capable" of cheating, but so far to the best of your knowledge, your BF has NOT cheated on you. Nor has he given you any reason to suspect he has. Yet, you are jumping to conclusions. And you are omitting what I personally think is a necessary level of vulnerability for a healthy relationship. As far as facebook, what your BF is doing is very common, it is a practially free way to market whatever it is you are marketing, be it a product, blog, website. ETC. What he is doing is very common and effective. He is opening up his website to a possible thousands of individuals. And if you look at it from a different perspective, it is no different than if he were to be making contacts personally, through friends and acquaintances at different venues. Facebook, is wickedly convenient and efficient in that sense. In fact I have made quite the number of connections doing the very same thing, and have increased traffic to my blog to over a few thousand in just a few short months, something that is physically impossible to do in person. I have also made connections with businesses that are with in my interests and now also blog for quite a few different ones. And I have made some pretty good friends in the process as well. I am working on a second website, and intend to do the very same thing as well. And no I have never cheated on my DH, nor do I ever intend to either. We have been together almost 14 years now.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you need to work on your issues a lot more.  People use FB for different reasons.  I don't have any friends who I don't actually know--I have about 100.  I have married men on there like old friends from high school but everything is above board.  My DD, for example, has 800 friends--it's like she has everybody she's ever met at high school, college, her job, etc. so to her, being a FB friend probably doesn't mean that much--it's more like a list of contacts.  I'm sure she doesn't communicate w/ most of those people.  I think your BF is right that FB doesn't cause people to cheat--it makes it easier if a person is so inclined, but if a person is not a cheater, having FB is not going to turn him into one.  The fact that your BF gave you his FB password is a big deal--if a BF asked me that, first of all, I'd say no and then I'd probably break up with him because I wouldn't like being blamed and having someone suspicious of me if I didn't do anything.  You know the issue is you, not him--so what if he complimented a woman's appearance by saying "nice?" It's not like he said anything dirty or asked her out.  Even without FB, he is certainly running into many women in person--how can you prevent a guy from telling a woman that he knows in person that she looks nice today?  You can never prevent a guy from talking to or having contact with all women so finding a guy who doesn't use FB will not solve the problem.  You either decide to trust someone or not.  I wouldn't be with a ,man if I had to constatly check up on what he was doing--but is there any man you could be with where you wouldn't be checking up on him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005

The 'ugh' is for the stress Im feeling over this FB thing. 

I disagree with you slightly kendahke1, that I need to be alone to "work on myself" bc I was alone for 4 years prior to this relationship and it did not change the trust issues I have towards men. Its a paranoia thats been somewhat instilled in me. What I am going to HAVE to do is consciously try to make an effort to work on this issue WHILE i am with the man I love, not alone  

Anyway, I think my paranoia stems from always hearing stories about cheating due to facebook. Facebook to me is like the gateway bc it just makes the opportunity to cheat -easier- than it would in "real life". As far as the insecurity, maybe that stems from the fact that my ex (whom I was with for 6 yrs) was very honest about wanting to have sex with other women and eventually left me for another woman. I don't know but I had 4 yrs of working on myself, being independent, being "confident" and then once I fell in love, that was it, the jealousy and insecurity came back.

As far as his website, its still not up and running yet but we are working on it.

So then you guys dont think its wrong or disrespectful to be friend requesting random women to grow his friends list??

I guess as long as there is no communication or flirting between them, I should calm the jealousy down and be more confident?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

cr001985 wrote:
<p>The 'ugh' is for the stress Im feeling over this FB thing. </p><p>I disagree with you slightly kendahke1, that I need to be alone to "work on myself" bc I was alone for 4 years prior to this relationship and it did not change the trust issues I have towards men. Its a paranoia thats been somewhat instilled in me. What I am going to HAVE to do is consciously try to make an effort to work on this issue WHILE i am with the man I love, not alone  

It's quite clear from what you've written that being with this guy also hasn't made an effective dent in your trust issues, either---but with this guy, instead of you really being about snatching your issues out by the roots, you've instead assigned him the duty of doing your heavy lifting for you by making him change who he is--when he has absolutely no reason and no responsibility to do so--instead of YOU changing how you deal with things.

You may not even have that choice in the near future about dealing with your issues alone because at the rate you are going, you're going to be left alone to go deal with it.  Either way, it's still coming back to you to roost.

Quote:
</p><p>Anyway, I think my paranoia stems from always hearing stories about cheating due to facebook. Facebook to me is like the gateway bc it just makes the opportunity to cheat -easier- than it would in "real life". 

So what about telephones? Got one in your house? Got a cell phone? Because those also make cheating easier.  Cars make it easier to get to a rendezvous--you got one of those, too?  Technology isn't the problem: it's the intent of the person using the technology.

Quote:
As far as the insecurity, maybe that stems from the fact that my ex (whom I was with for 6 yrs) was very honest about wanting to have sex with other women and eventually left me for another woman.

So because you chose to stay in a relationship of your own free will with a man who told you up front that he intended upon having sex with other women despite you being in his life, you thought that staying with him would change his mind? And this man has to pay for what he did? What happened to your responsibility to yourself?  What happened to esteeming yourself so highly that not 7 days should have passed from him making that declaration to you to the point where you exited the relationship because you knew your value was higher than his discount of it?  Despite how painful it might have been and despite how lonely you were in the interrim?  You stayed, it would appear, for 6 years.  The motive for doing that really and seriously needs to be looked at.

Quote:
I don't know but I had 4 yrs of working on myself, being independent, being "confident" and then once I fell in love, that was it, the jealousy and insecurity came back.

That is to be expected... the difference in the kind of work you did would be in how you met the challege of jealousy and insecurity reappearing---to know how to vanquish it or to let it take over your psyche and feed back into feelings of not being good enough in who you are.  Did a therapist help you in that 4 year stretch of time?  What did they say about your approach to this problem?

Quote:
So then you guys dont think its wrong or disrespectful to be friend requesting random women to grow his friends list??</p>

No--he's trying to do business through Facebook to generate traffic to his website in order to earn money.  He isn't on there looking for your replacement, but as I said, if you don't get a grip on yourself, you will totally bringing about that which you fear the most. 

Quote:
<p>I guess as long as there is no communication or flirting between them, I should calm the jealousy down and be more confident?</p>

You should calm the jealousy down and be more confident ANYWAY.  That mess gets real old, real fast.  No one in their right mind is going to tolerate your tantrums and you inventing things out of thin air.  They are always going to resist your attempting to play mother and try to control them.

The best way to show him that you trust him is to tell him to change his password and dont' give it to you.  Do you have the emotional  discipline and strength to do that?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

"I never fully 100% blindly trust anyone."

Blind trust is when you decide to trust someone that you've just met, that you have no knowledge of their character. You've been with your bf for 1.5 yrs, living together for half that time. Presumably when you decided to move in together you felt that you knew his character well enough to decide that he was worthy of taking that step. To not trust him now, when you admit he's given no reason to mistrust him, doesn't make sense.

What is causing your jealousy and mistrust? Until you address the root of your feelings there will be problems in relationships. You say that you are trying to work on your extreme jealousy and control issues, but you also seem to accept them like they are normal. Are you working with a therapist?

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