Battling Facebook Jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Battling Facebook Jealousy
18
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 12:09pm

Well to summarize, i have extreme jealousy issues and maybe even control issues. Ive been trying to work on it though bc I know it stems from insecurity and insecurity is just not attractive but i have a problem trusting men and people in general. Anyway, Ive been with my bf now since Sept 2011 and we've been living together since August 2012. He's a good guy, Im insanely in love with him and I think hes faithful to me for the most part but I have a big issue with social media. I dont have a FB 'cause I dont really care for one yet but sometimes I feel like getting one just to give him a taste of his own medicine bc he's jealous too, maybe not to the extreme that I am but he's jealous. So basically I see that he requests random women sometimes (he requests guys too but obviously I dont care about the guys). I asked him why he's requesting these random women (which some look like whores)? He says to "grow his friends list" and to eventually "network his website" on there once he finishes the website. I also see that he likes pictures of models and shares them sometimes. Anyway, I didnt like being in the dark so I demanded he give me his password since he refuses to delete his account. He gave it to me the next day (probably after cleaning it up a little, who knows).

He assures me that hes not chatting with them, messaging them, flirting with them or commenting disrespectfully but I just feel like FB opens up doors to infidelity a lot more easily than if he didnt have a FB. It makes other women more easily accessible for him. He says that it depends on the person and that he has no intention of cheating on me, blah blah. Let me add that he would prefer that I dont have a FB either but the good manipulative excuse he has over me is his whole networking idea. Idk am I overreacting about FB? Any comments would be appreciated.   

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 4:52pm

"I dont think I was cheated on in my previous relationship but the ex was very honest about wanting to experience other women, which I think really did a number on my self-esteem."

What was the reason that he wanted to experience other women? Did he say that it was because you were in some way lacking? I see it more likely that he was the one with the "problem", that if he wanted to sleep with other women then he should not have been in a monogomous relationship. You have to give him credit for not cheating. And all of this was 5+ years ago, right? What have you done in the meantime to repair your self esteem?

On to the current bf. Without any of the backstory about your jealousy and control issues, I would say that it is disrespectful for him to "friend" lots of hot girls. And that a good bf would agree to stop doing it when told that it made his gf feel threatened. But in the case of your relationship it sounds like lots of things make you feel threatened so your bf may feel that if he stops everything that threatens you then he can't do anything. Maybe its a way that he holds on to some control. From what you said on the Jealousy board he is being transparent and you have no reason to think that he is contacting these women.

"infidelity is all i hear about from friends, family, TV, its like if 95% of men have absolutely no self control towards other women!"  I don't agree that 95% of men are cheating, or even have ever cheated. There are plenty of men and women with a strong moral compass who will resist temptation, or exit a relationship if they really feel compelled to be with someone else. I think you need to consider your sources. Infidelity makes for tittilating gossip and "reality tv", and these boards have a lot of people who come here because of problems. Healthy monogomous relationships don't generate a lot of drama so you don't hear about them so much.

I've already said that you should get professional help to work on your self-esteem and jealousy issues; and that you will not resolve these problems with your bf until you have resolved your personal issues. That is really my best advice to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Sun, 07-07-2013 - 4:38pm

Hi, I'm having one of those jealous attacks again and you all seem like a pretty logical women so I wanted to direct this question again to you. Would you personally and honestly not care if your man friend requested random women, women that even look like sluts? Again, his website is not up so he's probably just requesting these women because they're hot. Do you not see that as a disrespectful act towards you and the relationship? When would YOU draw the line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 12:18am

I agree with the others........when you're obsessing about him saying "nice" to an attractive stranger a YEAR AGO, and because you don't like facebook, you are jealous of him because he DOES like it.......you don't belong in a relationship at all until you get specific help for your problem(s).  Eventually you'll drive him away with your groundless jealousy.  I'm surprised he's put up with it for over a year now! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 10:03pm

Being alone for four years does nothing to resolve your issues.  You need therapy in order to resolve your issues. We're telling you to end your relationship for two reasons:

1. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve to be in a relationship where he's not trusted.

2. You need to do some serious hard work in therapy to get to the bottom of your issues and resolve them.  Doing this hard work is far better done when you have no distractions or no situations that pull your strings while you're working on them.  If you're going to get into therapy and stick with it until your therapist tells you you've resolved your issues and don't need to come back while you're with your boyfriend, then stay, but stay knowing you'll be longer in therapy than you would be if on your own. 

You're not a hopeless case that needs to be alone forever, but you clearly have some deep issues that will continue to hamper your life and your relationships until you get them resolved.  This distrust you have isn't normal and you can't have a happy, healthy relationship with your current boyfriend or anyone else until you resolve it.  I know you want us to tell you how to stop it but we can't. That requires the real help of a therapist.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005

I dont think I was cheated on in my previous relationship but the ex was very honest about wanting to experience other women, which I think really did a number on my self-esteem. However, after that relationship ended, i was on my own for 4 yrs before my current relationship so I highly disagree that i need to be alone without love in my life bc its like what someone said, ANY relationship is going to be a huge challenge for me bc thats when my vulnerability and insecurities will surface so how will i ever learn to trust or so forth unless im actually IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Its just, infidelity is all i hear about from friends, family, TV, its like if 95% of men have absolutely no self control towards other women! Makes you wonder, what makes yours different? what makes your man have more self-control to stay faithful than the other 95% of the men out there? I guess the way you all dont have faith in me (that I can work on this issue while being with the man i love), i dont have faith in men. What I need from you guys is to help me see that my mentality is not right, help me see that Im not justified in my way of thinking even though a high majority of men cheat, help me see that from what im telling you he can be trusted, help me see that im overreacting, that im too jealous, that i need to work on this or i will lose the man i love. But dont tell me that i need to quit on my relationship or the man i love to try to work on this.. It will never get fixed unless I am faced with the adversities of being in a relationship. Unless you guys think i need to be alone FOREVER. Just try to understand from my perspective and help me understand that my perspective is wrong. Bc the problem here as well is I have jealous friends too that fuel my way of thinking & that agree with it so when you  have people that surround you that make you feel justified, how can one change truly??? so instead of telling me to quit on this relationship or to just stay single for the rest of my life bc "im a hopeless case". Help me understand a different perspective, Bye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001

It doesn't look like you're answering anymore.  I'll post this in case you're still reading.  

Having mistrust without reason for mistrust isn't how healthy people operate.  If you have trust issues because you were cheated on in the past, because your father cheated or some other personal experience is understandable, but would mean that you have past issues that are adversely affecting your relationship and those issues will continue to be a detriment to your life until you resolve them in therapy.  You said it's a paranoia that's been somewhat instilled in you, so it sure sounds like this is a past issue problem.  These things wouldn't get better simply by not having a relationship for years, the issues you have don't go away until they're resolved.  Of course the'll no longer be a problem when you're not in a relationship, but will pop back up when a relationship is in the works.

I do think you should end your relationship and find a good therapist and get to work on resolving the issues that are affecting your life.  You deserve to have a life that's free of these issues, you deserve to have the kind of happy, healthy relationship that you should have, but you won't have that until you resolve those issues.  

Here's a link that will provide you with a partial list of therapists in your area.  I hope you get started in getting free of your past issues so you can live a life that's as happy as it should be.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

My suggestion to get rid of all this facebook stress is to dump your boyfriend. Problem solved. The single life will be much easier for you. There will be no need to work on your jealousy issues because there will be no one to get jealous over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001

Thanks for your answers.

Were you cheated on in the past?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

"I never fully 100% blindly trust anyone."

Blind trust is when you decide to trust someone that you've just met, that you have no knowledge of their character. You've been with your bf for 1.5 yrs, living together for half that time. Presumably when you decided to move in together you felt that you knew his character well enough to decide that he was worthy of taking that step. To not trust him now, when you admit he's given no reason to mistrust him, doesn't make sense.

What is causing your jealousy and mistrust? Until you address the root of your feelings there will be problems in relationships. You say that you are trying to work on your extreme jealousy and control issues, but you also seem to accept them like they are normal. Are you working with a therapist?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

cr001985 wrote:
<p>The 'ugh' is for the stress Im feeling over this FB thing. </p><p>I disagree with you slightly kendahke1, that I need to be alone to "work on myself" bc I was alone for 4 years prior to this relationship and it did not change the trust issues I have towards men. Its a paranoia thats been somewhat instilled in me. What I am going to HAVE to do is consciously try to make an effort to work on this issue WHILE i am with the man I love, not alone  

It's quite clear from what you've written that being with this guy also hasn't made an effective dent in your trust issues, either---but with this guy, instead of you really being about snatching your issues out by the roots, you've instead assigned him the duty of doing your heavy lifting for you by making him change who he is--when he has absolutely no reason and no responsibility to do so--instead of YOU changing how you deal with things.

You may not even have that choice in the near future about dealing with your issues alone because at the rate you are going, you're going to be left alone to go deal with it.  Either way, it's still coming back to you to roost.

Quote:
</p><p>Anyway, I think my paranoia stems from always hearing stories about cheating due to facebook. Facebook to me is like the gateway bc it just makes the opportunity to cheat -easier- than it would in "real life". 

So what about telephones? Got one in your house? Got a cell phone? Because those also make cheating easier.  Cars make it easier to get to a rendezvous--you got one of those, too?  Technology isn't the problem: it's the intent of the person using the technology.

Quote:
As far as the insecurity, maybe that stems from the fact that my ex (whom I was with for 6 yrs) was very honest about wanting to have sex with other women and eventually left me for another woman.

So because you chose to stay in a relationship of your own free will with a man who told you up front that he intended upon having sex with other women despite you being in his life, you thought that staying with him would change his mind? And this man has to pay for what he did? What happened to your responsibility to yourself?  What happened to esteeming yourself so highly that not 7 days should have passed from him making that declaration to you to the point where you exited the relationship because you knew your value was higher than his discount of it?  Despite how painful it might have been and despite how lonely you were in the interrim?  You stayed, it would appear, for 6 years.  The motive for doing that really and seriously needs to be looked at.

Quote:
I don't know but I had 4 yrs of working on myself, being independent, being "confident" and then once I fell in love, that was it, the jealousy and insecurity came back.

That is to be expected... the difference in the kind of work you did would be in how you met the challege of jealousy and insecurity reappearing---to know how to vanquish it or to let it take over your psyche and feed back into feelings of not being good enough in who you are.  Did a therapist help you in that 4 year stretch of time?  What did they say about your approach to this problem?

Quote:
So then you guys dont think its wrong or disrespectful to be friend requesting random women to grow his friends list??</p>

No--he's trying to do business through Facebook to generate traffic to his website in order to earn money.  He isn't on there looking for your replacement, but as I said, if you don't get a grip on yourself, you will totally bringing about that which you fear the most. 

Quote:
<p>I guess as long as there is no communication or flirting between them, I should calm the jealousy down and be more confident?</p>

You should calm the jealousy down and be more confident ANYWAY.  That mess gets real old, real fast.  No one in their right mind is going to tolerate your tantrums and you inventing things out of thin air.  They are always going to resist your attempting to play mother and try to control them.

The best way to show him that you trust him is to tell him to change his password and dont' give it to you.  Do you have the emotional  discipline and strength to do that?

 

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