been cheated on again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
been cheated on again
6
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:13pm
i need a little advice from others i was engaged to this man he cheated on me 1 yr into our relationship i forgave him. we moved in and became engaged 6 months later now another 1yr and half i caught him again. we have broken up and ended our engagment and now he is saying he needed time and maybe in a few months we should talk again and see where we stand because he still loves me and of course despite all the pain and heartache he has caused me i do still love him also. i dont know if i should just go on with my life or he will problell cheat again bcz he has done it b4. what do you think. ps we are both christians and i believed he was honest very confused as to what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:20pm

amor23,


If he loved you he never would have cheated on you and if he was "Christian" enough to be honest then he wouldn't have disrepected the convenant of being engaged

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:28pm

Cheating is not like baseball where it is three strikes before you are out.

You only get a 2nd chance IF the person you cheated on can be a big enough person to try to get past it (although they are under no obligation and it is not a sign of weakness if they can't or don't want to).

There is no such thing as a third chance in cheating. You only stay after that if you are co-dependent or really really nieve. We should do a poll of how many times a relationship has survived after 2 or more cheating incidents.....I bet it is almost none. This guy has manipulated and exploited you enough. Move on for your sake, you deserve better.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:52pm

Uh...in light of sounding very judgmental and presumptuous, I think the Christianity thing is bunk. You don't need the religious label to have integrity and faithfulness...these character traits are a part of a persons core value system.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 12:14am

You have a choice. You can chooses to begin a pattern, or keep one from occurring. Look at the facts:
He cheated. You forgave him. He cheated. Forgive him and the pattern is born. Forgiving him again tells him that you will forgive as much cheating as he'll do. Why? Because you'll have proven that you'll let it go multiple times. It says no matter what you say or do, he knows you'll take him back, he knows he can continue the same behavior. Forgiving him again tells you that it's acceptable to be cheated on, that you're not worth more than that. You must not be worth more, you're accepting it, right? That's what your subconscious hears. Put that pattern in motion and be prepared to see it continue again and again.


You gave him a chance, he proved that cheating wasn't a fluke, a huge mistake that he learned from and would never do again. He proved it's a way of life for him and something he sees as a viable option for himself. You gave him a chance, now give him the door. Even considering letting him back in would be damaging yourself.


I strongly suggest seeing a therapist to deal with the effects his infidelity has had on you. Infidelity is hard to get through, the effects can stay with you for the rest of your life if you don't deal with them. You've been through this twice now, and are still considering taking him back for round 3. You need to take a look why you don't deserve (and demand) better than this.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:22pm

People do what they want to do, period. His morals, values, standards, expectations 'justify' him doing what he wanted to do - being with another woman. Even if he's needs weren't being met at home, rather than bring them up with you, to discuss it, to make changes, he made the decision to cheat. He went for the quit ego stroke, instant gratification. His morals, values, etc do NOT match yours. Basic incompatibility. No amount of LOVE from you, can keep him from doing what he wants to do.

You are NOT LESS THAN because he did this. You are not less than because he cheated, you are not less than because of his actions, choices, decisions.

Counseling might help, if he's grown up, takes responsibility for his actions/choices and understands himself better... if not, it's a good place for you to rebuild your self-esteem. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 4:45pm
thank you so much for your advice so many of my close friends have told me the same thing although because they do know me personally and know how much i have been hurt they did not want to see me hurt again.and i wanted outside advice. thanks again. I WILL BE STRONG AND GET THROUGH THIS, I KNOW, I GUESS IF I CAN GET THROUGH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP AND DIVORCE FOR 16 YRS I CAN HANDLE THIS AFTER 3 YRS.