better explaination

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
better explaination
2
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:09pm
here is a little more detail on my situation i posted previously, guess i just really wanted to rant a bit before anything.H and i have been married for over 9 yrs and over the past few years he has made me feel like he doesn't even care about my feelings. I am just so tired of the same senerio " he upsets me ~ i get mad ~ he says he will try harder ~ then does it all over again.

This is what happened this past weekend:

H'f friend asked if he wanted to go fishing, h said no "he needed to spend time with family" (he had spent the past 2 previous weekend at friends house), So i was glad to see he was gonna stay home...Well before I knew it the weekend had come and H was going over to friend's house, to help him pick up a computer desk at the store. Even though i was disappointed i didn't say anything, and h promised he would go straight to store and come straight home.

Well 2 hrs later H called to say he was gonna stay at friends house for a bit. After hearing this I , of course, was angry now. Not just because he had originally told me he would be at home and then wasn't, and not just because he said he would come straight home and then didn't, but the night before I had asked if he minded watching the kids and his response was "I'm not getting stuck home with the kids"! (his exact words)

When he finally did come home, he had friend "in tow", who stayed for 4 hrs. Now at this point he knew I was mad and when I tried to talk (ok there was some yelling..lol) he just said "Fine, have your girls night out". I feel like he was saying "if it will shut u up then have your girls nite out"

It wasn't even about the girls nite out, the only reason I even mentioned about the previous nights conversation was because i wanted to show him how I "ask" if he would mind if i went out and he stayed home with the kids, not because I feel I need to have permission, but out of curtousy of his feelings and plans.Where as he just goes and does as he pleases without a thought of how i feel about itor what i may have planned and if i am upset later he just tries to "throw me a bone" to get me to shut up.

He is constantly telling me that he is not gonna do something and then when he gets around other people, he does the opposite, and when i find out he just says "sorry, i'll try harder". It just hurts, because i feel like every time he does this he is choosing them over me. and i don't know maybe i am being selfish and reading to much into it but I see it like this...on the above example he had a choice 3x.

1) could have not gone at all.

2) could have come straight home.

3) or when he called he could have came home then instead of later, since i was upset about him staying.

Yet all 3 times, he did the opposite.

Am I being selfish and reading to much into it? If it was just this one instance then maybe, but given that he is constantly doing this, I don't think I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 9:18pm
First of all, I apologize for the length of time you've waited for a response. I hope you've seen my apology to you and a few others, it's just going to take some time for us all to get used to this new format. Unfortunately, that doesn't help you when you're looking for help NOW!

Do NOT question yourself here, you're not being selfish or expecting too much. It sounds like your husband is behaving like a teenage son rather than a dad, he's forgetting he has responsiblities and a family in favor of hanging out with friends. You quoted him as saying "I'm not getting stuck home with the kids", is this a typical mind set and statement from him? Let me know, ok?

You described his response during a heated moment, but I'm wondering what his thought process, reaction and behavior is when this issue is discussed at a time when there is no current problem? Have you discussed these problems and issues when you're not in an incident? Also, you explained that you bring things up to show him how you respect his plans, hoping he'll recognize that and treat you the same way. I think it's time to stop showing him and *tell* him how you expect to be treated. Respect and shared responsibility are certainly called for.

It sounds like you've gotten into a situation where you're home with the kids while he's off doing what he wants after work and on weekends. It also sounds like it's gone on long enough that you've both forgotten how it should be, what is fair, respect and consideration for your partner (you both need time off both together without the kids and by yourselves -- he obviously knows he needs it, it shouldn't be hard for him to recognize you need it to, especially considering he doens't want to ge "stuck with the kids", even though you're "stuck" quite frequently)

Plan A, is to TALK to him. Discussion needs to occur when there is no problem or issue that has either of you angry or upset. It needs to be approached as a problem to be solved, not as laying blame. He needs to understand clearly what he's been doing isn't fair to you, your relationship, your children or his relationship with his children. He needs to recognize your need for time away and you need to find some compromises and agreements that respect both of you and have you coming together as partners for the good of each of you, your marriage and your family.

Is that workable? Have you had a clear, calm, focused talk with him on the subject before? If that doesn't get through, there's always "Plan B"! Let me know!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 5:34am
I'm going to assume that in this particular case, I am getting a one-sided view of what is going on in your relationship. I just don't want to assume that your husband is 100% to blame for the circumstances. However, there most certainly is a problem if you are unhappy.

With this new format, I have no idea how to find your previous post, so I'm going to go with just what's here. My assessment is that you and your husband have developed (or always had) different expectations of what your marriage and family life would be like - AND you are not communicating well. Both of these problems can be solved, but you will need some professional help.

I know that because you express your anger and frustration to your husband when he disappoints you, that you think you are communicating with him - however, he clearly doesn't get (or doesn't want to get) the messages you are sending. That means a new way of presenting them is necessary. Similarly, it is very likely that after 9 years of putting up with his inconsiderate behavior, he's pretty blind to the fact that he's walking close to the edge with you.

A professional therapist will help the two of you sort out your real feelings. You need to discover why he works so hard to STAY AWAY from the family during times when you have an opportunity to be together. Understanding his feelings about this will help you (both) to come up with a solution you can live with.

I suggest that you contact a couple's therapist and make an appointment at a time when your husband SHOULD be free to attend. Give him a couple of weeks lead time, then tell him about the appointment and ask him to accompany you. He will ask what the point is of you making the appointment - your response is that you are not as happy as you deserve to be, and you want to make things better. If he says "no" tell him you are going anyway, and then DO IT, and KEEP GOING. He may eventually join you, but even if he doesn't, the therapist will be able to better assess what's going on and help you to deal with the realities of your situation - including the fact that he won't join in the therapy.

There's no "magic pill" for you. If you want to change the situation you are in, it's going to take some work and some RISK. Your only other choice is to continue to live the life you are now leading. Taking charge of YOUR life, and attempting some positive change is YOUR responsibility. His behavior is the SYMPTOM not the disease. Changing how it affects YOU is is your job, YOU can't change HIM. HE has to do that, and to do it he has to WANT to. Seeing if he is capable of wanting that sort of change is what the therapist can help you with.

Lee M.