Bf and "adult" child, what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Bf and "adult" child, what to do?
58
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 12:43pm

Hi all!



I have a question.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:13pm

How long have you been with this guy?

I think that if he's been begging you to move in, your talk with him is long overdue. You don't have to say "hey, I am sick of entertaining your no-life daughter" but since you ARE concerned for her (and you seem to be a very kind soul!), I would suggest you say something along the lines of:

"I've been thinking a lot about Katie lately and I have to say I'm really concerned about her. I love her, but I'm afraid that she is relying on us too much when most 18 year olds have jobs, cars, and social lives. I feel like it's definitely been putting some pressure on me, and it's changed the dynamic of our relationship. I was hoping that you and I could encourage her to do more with her life. This is a difficult situation for me to want to commit to as it is, which is why I haven't moved in yet. I just wanted to be honest with you so that we could make some changes together."

I hope he agrees with you and wants to change this life. But if he doesn't, you have some serious thinking to do about whether or not this relationship is right for you. Best of luck and please let us know how things progress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:32pm
Thanks so much for your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:33pm
I agree and think it needs to be handled very gently since people are generally very sensitive about their kids. I would also present it along the lines of "I'm concerned about Katie and her disinterest in having a social life and friends her own age." Maybe there is something wrong with her affecting her social skills (such as social anxiety or mild autism) IF she is not even trying to or have any desire to make any friends her own age. To me that is just not normal for a 18 yr. old to not have any friends. I mean at that age they live for being with friends, and normally would have a lot more interest in hanging with friends than with their parents. Could be that's what's also keeping her home and not out looking for a job. That's why I wonder if there may be some issue (s) with her that have not been diagnosed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:36pm
What does HE say about all of this? He is her father... If he isn't willing to change this situation then all you can do is change whether or not you're in it. Maybe when (if?) she goes away to college it will be different, but how can you tell?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:39pm
I was wondering IF this girl had friends in high school, or was she a loner than too? If not something truly could be wrong with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:42pm

I diagnose for a living so I've already thought of every disorder possible to explain away her behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:49pm

He is the biggest king of denial I have ever met.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:50pm
She's a senior in high school, retained in elementary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:51pm

I have no suggestions for making Katie get a job or go on a date, but I do have a suggestion for the interminable evenings of conversation: get some hobbies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:56pm

Thanks for the advice.

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