BF away for work alll the time! (long)
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| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:20pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and have lived together for about 12 months. He is 24 and I am 23. We moved in together into his house a few weeks after we graduated college May 2005. We both have professional careers, he is a civil engineer and I am a chemist. The firm he works for he has been with for 5 years, 4 years of that as an intern. Well as an intern he did not have to travel very much at all, so the impression he gave me was that he did not travel much for his job. Well fast forward to his Full Time position and he is gone all the time. It started out with him saying that he would be away for one week a month. I did not like that but could deal with it. Then it was 3 days every other week. Now it is 3 days this week 2 the next week 4 the following week. This is accompanied by 2-3 week spurts where there is no travel but it’s rare.
My problem is that this has left me resentful of him. I almost feel like he misrepresented himself. I would have never moved in with him if I knew this was the situation. Although he was an intern when we met, he knew what his job would entail if he were full time and chose to omit that detail. I have since acquired 2 cats to keep me company while he is gone but it still sucks. I am finding myself questioning if I should move out and if I should remain in the relationship. When we fight it is usually over this issue. I kind of feel like I am young am not married and I should not have to be alone and if being alone is not something I want to deal with maybe I should end this and find someone who is able to be with me. Along with this comes my doubt of our future. If he was working his way up and this was something I would only have to deal with for X amount of time then fine, but this IS his job. The people who are higher than him are doing the same thing just get paid more. Now he recently got his diving certificate (his company specializes in underwater inspections) I know he will be gone even more and probably for longer.
There is no way I can imagine myself being alone with children while my husband is “away on business”. I am not looking to be married or children anytime soon but I could see a future with him besides this. I guess I am confused on if it is worth it to put the time in with him now when I know I do not want the kind of future with him he can provide. Or if I should be unhappy now by not being with him and have the chance to meet someone who can give me the future I would like. I have had conversations with him about this. I have made it clear that I do not wish for him to change jobs because I know he enjoys it and makes more money there than he would be able to elsewhere do to being there for 4 years prior to being hired full time. I basically just wanted to be clear if this is what he sees himself doing for the rest of him life and if not when he may consider other employment. His response was that he would be doing this for AT LEAST “a couple year”. For some reason that gives me no consolation. If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation I would love to hear your response. Thanks
Jacky

Jacky,
It seems to me that you really answered your own question, "I know I do not want the kind of future with him he can provide."
I agree with Kimbirdy completely. I think you know what you need to do, what the right thing is for you to do for you, even though it's really not what you'd like to do. Unfortunately, what you'd like isn't reality.
You don't feel resentful because he almost misrepresented himself, you feel resentful because he did misrepresent himself. In effect, he lied to you by having you move in knowing you were unaware of what the situation really is. That's not okay, not at all. I don't know that I'd be able to get past that, and really, I don't know that it would be wise to try. What else will he withhold from you? What else is coming that he decides you don't need to know or decides not to tell you because he knows you won't be in agreement? That's keeping you from being able to make competent, cognizant decisions about your life and that isn't right.
I also agree with you 100% that you're young and shouldn't be sitting around waiting for someone all the time. When these young years are gone they're gone and there's no getting them back. This is the time to go out and have a ball, you have the least amount of responsibility you're ever going to have during this time of your life, enjoy it!
If you want to continue your relationship with him (assuming you'd want to considering he's not too trustworthy), I don't see why that can't happen. Move out and take your relationship down a few notches, freeing both of you up to see others. Tell him you'd still like to see him when he's in town, if you're available, and see other people too.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"