BF doenst want to hang my BDAY wknd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
BF doenst want to hang my BDAY wknd
8
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 5:52pm

My bday is coming up the day after valentines day...My Bf and I are very cash crunched beyond belief becuase we are working on getting our own place by Mar 1st/15th the latest.

Because we dont have our own place and no money I havent let it get to me that we wont really be doing anything for my bday let alone valentines day...Well I figure as long as we are together that is fine with me...i dont care if we hike or donate time at a convalescent home or something free....

So today he called me while i was at work and I asked him if he could call me back that i get off at 4 it was busy and that we could link up around 4ish(when i get off) he sounded NOT excited and then told me well what are we going to do we have no $$ and where are we going to go...I dont want to be wandering around with nothing to do.....then he asked me if I had $$ (he knows i have nothing becuase he gave me $$ towards our rent for the new place just this morning!!).....I said I didnt know that i was at work and to call me when he got home so we can figure something out...then his last word were "OK i guess ill call you...But 2morrow IM HANGIN OUT WITH MY FRIENDS I DONT CARE......

Not sure if I should be bothered but it hurts...I have no plans and I Well I feel like since its valentines day and my bday and its a 3 weekend...why not just be together whether these is cash involved or not..Im just happy to be with him...that alone means the world to me...

I feel really down and out and dont know what I should do about this????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 4:00am
Welcome back, Rootslady77 ~

Is this the same boyfriend that you posted about before?:

jobless and frusterated-is it me???

If so, it sounds like he may be taking his frustration of the financial issues on you again. Unless seeming to ignore birthdays and other special occasions is something he has a history of doing? When he said "I don't care" what was he referring to, what did he not care about?










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 8:24am

If my ex had said this, it would mean that he was tired of the stress of being around me (!) and he wanted to escape to his boys.

Of course, it might not mean the same when your guy says it, but if it does you should consider whether you want to move in with someone who considers you a stressful thing in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 9:24pm

2nd life, I know how much you like to see a 'big picture' when giving advice, so here is a bit more history.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=31208.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=31747.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=32076.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=32994.1

Northwestwanderers response on the most recent thread makes me wonder if there's even more history on other boards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 1:28pm
Thanks for your links, Blue. Rootslady also posted on the Toxic board in July, but as I wasn't sure this was the same relationship, I wasn't sure it was relevant to post the link here. The links you've posted confirm that it is the same relationship. Here's the link:

WHAT TO DO

I hope she reposts here. There's plenty we can offer her, but no point in it if she's not around or not interested in answering our questions.











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 3:03pm

well update everyone...He did spend my bday and Valentines w/ me...it was friday he didnt want to hang out and it was saturday he wanted to hang with his friends which ended up working out fine in the end for me becuase it gave me time to spend with friends.

I kno we have endured a rocky road but i feel like he really wants to change for the better...it did hurt that he didnt want to spend the entire weekend w/ me but in the end he did spend the special days. Maybe i was being a bit too clingy by wanting him to spend everyday that weekend wit me....not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 10:49pm
Hey, Rootslady77, I'm glad you came back to update us, hope you're planning to stick around and talk for a while too!

You say feel he really wants to change for the better, what makes you feel that way? What does he say that indicates that, and more importantly, what is he changing in his behavior that indicates that.

If he didn't want to spend the whole weekend with you, why didn't he just tell you that. Suggesting a day or two to spend together, but telling you he'd like to do his own thing on one day seems pretty reasonable to me.











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 1:32am

"If he didn't want to spend the whole weekend with you, why didn't he just tell you that. Suggesting a day or two to spend together, but telling you he'd like to do his own thing on one day seems pretty reasonable to me. "

.........when it comes that my only guess is becuase ever since we decided to get back together and work things out one thing I am sill working on rebuilding is trust. I feel like when he goes out partying with his friends that anything can happen it is my very own insecurity but i just dont feel right about it of course there's more to the story(like the fact that he broke my trust by being unfaithful to me and the fact that his friends and I all know each other and were really cool with each other but he doesnt want to bring me around them becuase in the past his friends would come over and hang out with me when he wasnt around or home so he asked them not to chill with me anymore and ever since then he hangs with them alone, i feel bad becuase his friends bring their girlfriends around)...

but becuase he knows i dont like when he goes out with his friends he has a hard time bringing it up to me ....i have seen him try to before and he stutters and things...and when i say No he doesnt go...but yet these last 2 wknds he has been hangin with them regardless of how i feel and he doesnt go home till the next day...he calls me while he's there hanging out at least 3 times just to make sure i feel okay about it...but deep down i dont yet I allow him to becuase I don't want to make him feel caged up and take away any of his manhood.

"You say feel he really wants to change for the better, what makes you feel that way? What does he say that indicates that, and more importantly, what is he changing in his behavior that indicates that."

.....As for that I feel like he is making changes by spending time with me and showing me love he hugs and holds me whenever were together and loves me dearly all the time and he makes sure since were not living together that we at least see each other once a day mind you we dont have cars and since were on such a tight budget alot of times he'll walk to see me if he has no bus fare whether its to my job in the morning just to spend 10 mins with me before i go in to work or meets me on my lunch or to my house and will walk back home we dont live too close either its at least a 1hr walk and 45 min walk to my job...he makes time for me ALot of time and talks to me as often as he can when were not together...whenever he has money even if its his last 20 mucks he'll treat me he is never stingy with me and is trying real hard to look for a job.

I really do love him and it will be 6 yrs this August that we have been together...we have alot to work on but I kno we arent ready to give each other up anytime soon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 1:43am
I'm confused. You are the one with the trust issue yet he's asked his friends not to be around you when he's not there? He has a hard time bringing up to you that he wants to go out with friends yet had no problem being cold and uncaring in announcing that he was not going to be with you on your birthday because he was going to hang out with friends? Your statements and the examples you've given don't match up at all. It also makes no sense that he goes places despite you telling him you don't want him to, then calls multiple times to see if you're okay with it. He already knows you're not okay with it!

You're way off on something Rootslady, you said you "allow him" to do some things "… yet I allow him to becuase I don't want to make him feel caged up and take away any of his manhood.". You don't regain trust by keeping him on a tight leash and mandating what he can and can not do. All you learn there is that you can trust what you allow him to do. You aren't seeing him, his choices, his behavior, you're seeing him doing what you're directing him to do. The correct thing to do is take his leash off, let him make his own choices and do what he wants. Your job is to observe his choices and behavior which will allow you to learn whether he is changing and trustworthy or not. Watching what he does while under your direction only lets you see what you allow him to do, it tells you nothing about him at all.

I've got to tell you that much of what you've described in how he's showing you he's changing doesn't show change at all. Your concern is that he may be cheating, correct? Nothing that you've said gives indication of reason to trust. Assuming time together, physical affection and spending money on you are things that are important in a relationship for you, that merely means that his behavior meets much of what is minimally acceptable to you. Sure, if he's walking nearly two hours to see you that's something, but IMO, it's more flash than reality - over the top rather than real life.

What I've seen is that the way he talks to you in your description in your original post is the same as it's been in the past, according to your posts. His behavior was rude, uncaring and cold -- completely unacceptable. He continues to want to to things that are concerns for you, and he still does them; he's not looking to regain your trust, he's still doing the same things. He's the one who cheated, yet he's the one who doesn't trust you with friends? Red flag. Sorry, but I haven't seen one thing you've posted that indicates true work on his part to regain your trust and undo the damage he's done.

I think you've known the answer for a very long time - over a year now, but continue to cling to hope that it will be something different than it is. A quote I heard yesterday applies, "Knowing is good, hoping is not."









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"