BF probably mentally ill but won't get help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
BF probably mentally ill but won't get help
10
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 9:27pm

It is difficult to summarise this as I don't know where to start. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Hi Northernbird.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Hi Norhernbird1965 ~

I'm not sure what kind of constructive posts/suggestions we can offer you.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005

"I feel I am the only person he has left and I don't want to leave him, I just want him to work and get himself out of poverty."

And after seven years of not having a job because he refuses to look outside media/marketing, what makes you think that's possible? You need to accept that he's not going to change. It does sound like his ex-wife was abusive (I don't care how fed up and desperate she was over his behavior - if a woman came here saying her husband punched her, called her fat and useless in bed, it wouldn't matter that she was a lazy, smelly bum, we'd tell her nothing justifies that kind of abuse) and he may be suffering from depression or something else. I could even pass off his unsanitary and smelly nature as effects of the depression. But if he's not willing to get help, he's never going to change. If you don't want this kind of stress in your life, you need to end the relationship.

Also, do you really think it's coincidence that his trust fund ran out right after he met you? You say you don't understand how someone could spend all their money and not make provisions for the financial future - but he kind of did... he found you. I know you say he no longer asks you for money but he did in the beginning and even now, you still pay for a lot of his expenses when you're out together - food, clothes, etc. You need to face the fact that this man is mooching off you so he doesn't have to go back to work. You're enabling him. Maybe losing the one person he has left will force him to get his life together instead of relying on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

The others have given you very good advice.

I just want to say.... Many times people fall in love with the wrong person, but don't know he is the wrong person until long after they fall in love.

I won't diminish the feelings you have for him. I am certain that you do love him.

But he is the wrong man for you, and for anyone. There is nothing you can do to help him. You say that he is likely to be mentally ill, but if you look at yourself, would a person who is mentally healthy take on a man like this? I suggest you get some counseling for yourself to figure out why you tolerate this abysmal relationship. Temporary splits have done nothing. You are allowing guilt to hold you back, and you're convincing yourself that he needs you. He doesn't need you... He needs himself. You have been enabling him to live without supporting himself. It is a dangerous trait for a woman to be as self-sacrificing as you are. You CANNOT stay in a relationship for another person's sake.

You may love him but you MUST accept that you have to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

Hi, i kind of agree what other women said but I don't know if I could ever give up on a person that I love especially if they have mental problems. The problem with today's world is that everyone always looks if it is good for you or not. If not, then you can tell the person to F off. If you love him, you wil help him no matter what. I do not mean give him money but try to find a way to make him see there is a problem. Imagine if we always gave up on people because they have a mental issue. I don't know, mayve I am out of line or something. I am not saying you need to support him financially but maybe find another way to let him see the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

I am just gonna explain myself little bit more, this forum or any other forum will tell you, move on and you are better than that but the the reality is that you clearly care and love this person. If you did not then you would be out of there fast. You just need to find a way to make him see things more clearly, If you feel will like he is stressing you too much or not being nice to you then is is a time to say good bye,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I was with someone who has bipolar disorder for 8 yrs (married for 5 of those years).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I agree with staying together if the person is doing everything they can to address their problems.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005

"I do not mean give him money but try to find a way to make him see there is a problem."

You know the term "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"? That applies here. If someone doesn't want to see that there's a problem and that he needs to get help for it, he won't change. Period. There is NO way to "make him see" unless he wants to. You can only help someone who wants to be helped. There is nothing she can do. If she can't bear to watch someone she loves throw their life away, she needs to end the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

Hi northernbird,

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time with your boyfriend.

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