BF smokes and I don't like it
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BF smokes and I don't like it
| Fri, 08-11-2006 - 2:19am |
My boyfriend recently started smoking again. He smoked before I met him, but had quit a few months before then. The whole time we've been dating he hasn't smoked, and he's avoided sitting near people who do because he came to disgust the smell again. Then he started a time-consuming job and we went through a sort of fight and didnt see each other for a few weeks and when we did see each other he had started up smoking again. I dont know if it was the job stress or the relationship stress or both, but either way he did. And I really don't like him smoking, and he wants to quit too, and he is trying and even making some progress. But the main problem is that any time I say something about it, he gets mad. I don't think I'm nagging, I'm just trying to look out for his health. I guess I'm just looking for some advice or sympathy if you've got any. Thanks for reading.

No sympathy here....he doesn't need another mother, and everytime you suggest he stop smoking you are sending him a message that you do not accept him for who he is AND that he needs to be talked to like he is a child --- this is why you are getting such a strong reaction.
Either decide you can live with it he never quits, but be supportive of his efforts to quit and then keep dating him, OR decide you can't and move on. Deciding that you can only accept him IF he quits and then going about trying to fix him is a bad approach.....and destined to failure.
Good luck, P.
you write: "But the main problem is that any time I say something about it, he gets mad. I don't think I'm nagging, I'm just trying to look out for his health."
Of course he gets mad--you're acting like his mother....nagging him. Justifying it by saying you're trying to look out for his health is disingenuous. You're investing in a parent/child dynamic to get your way instead of using an adult/adult dynamic to understand that the more stress you put on him by nagging him, the more inclined he's going to be to reach for that cigarette.
Either accept that he's on a stressful stretch of bad road in his career/life and he will work it out on his own without you controlling him or leave the relationship if smoking is THAT much of an issue for you.
From what I understand, quitting can be a really tough thing. People usually get pretty testy when they are trying to quit. So cut him some slack. You may be just looking out for his health, but I am sure he already knows how bad smoking is and if he is already on edge, your comments may seem like nagging to him. So don't mention it unless he does.
Or, if you don't think he is actually going to kick the habit, then you have a decision to make. Is smoking a dealbreaker issue for you?
I know it's not what you want to hear, but complaining, commenting, encouraging or "being concerned about his health" isn't your place. He's not a child, he knows the health risks and has made the choice to smoke anyway. At this point, he clearly knows you don't like it an continues to choose to smoke. Your options aren't what you want them to be, but they are the only ones you have. You can accept his smoking, which means putting up with it without complaint or telling him you can't be in a relationship with a smoker and ending it. It sucks, but there it is. He's making the choice to smoke, this is the choice he's made for himself. You can only choose what you do for you, you can't choose to try to change him.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"