BF too worried about GF to have fun
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| Wed, 06-07-2006 - 5:01pm |
The Dilemma:
My boyfriend of several years does not want to take me out in groups of people because he says he worries too much about me to have fun himself. The only exception to this is the movies and an occasional dinner. I know without all the details it will look like I’m the controlling one here, so let me explain.
We’ve had this problem our entire relationship, but in the past he hasn’t gone out with groups much so we haven’t really had to deal with it. Now, every time I bring it up, he says I’m being controlling by saying he can’t go somewhere without him. I keep telling him that I don’t want to go with him all the time, but that he should be able to have fun with me around without worrying about me. He just keeps making it seem like he’s the victim.
Here’s how it happens. Whenever a group outing arises, he’ll tell me he’s going but refuses to take me. Then when I make a big deal about it, he plays the martyr and either cancels the event entirely or tries to take just me out. Everything else we do is just the two of us - I’d like to occasionally do things with others, too.
History:
I’m not a clingy, needy or high-maintenance woman. I enjoy spending time by myself a lot actually. As I do with my friends. He on the other hand, only has one friend and hangs out with him only a few times a month. The remainder of the time, he’s either with me or by himself.
He’s often taken the “daddy” position with me in other parts of our relationship, and it drives me nuts. Early on in our relationship, he used to tell me I couldn’t hang out with certain friends because he deemed them dangerous. Looking back, they probably weren’t the best group of people to hang out with, but it was not his place to demand I do anything.
He also said I couldn’t drink alcohol if he wasn’t around. Later in our relationship, he would throw fits whenever I went out with friends for drinks. We separated a few years ago mainly because of this, but got back together soon after because he said he would stop being that way. It’s been 2.5 years, and for the most part he’s honored that.
My long history here is to set-up this question – how else can I explain to him that I’m not trying to control him; I only want to do fun group things with him on occasion, and for both of us to enjoy ourselves?
I appreciate any advice you can give me.

Hi aprilraven,
I have a couple questions that would better help me understand your situation.
Sweetie, you're not the control freak - HE is. And he appears to be very good at playing 'victim' when things don't happen how he wants it to.
In short, your expectations and behaviour are not in the least bit controlling.... however, I'm concerned that you felt such a need to defend your actions to us. It's almost like he's brainwashed you into almost believing that you're the bad guy here.
>>My long history here is to set-up this question – how else can I explain to him that I’m not trying to control him; I only want to do fun group things with him on occasion, and for both of us to enjoy ourselves?<<
You can't explain this to him. He's a control freak and the only acceptable ideas to him are his own ones. This guy is not going to change. He will want to control you for your entire relationship and will play the victim whenever he doesn't get his own way.
Get out of this relationship if you value your self esteem. And be prepared for him to take absolutely no responsibility for the downfall of this relationship. He will most certainly blame you for everything that went wrong. But don't be upset by this reaction. Instead, remind yourself that this is the reason you broke up.
You have had this problem the entire relationship. You broke up because of it. He told you that he could regulate his behavior and you came back. Now he has reverted back to the same behavior that he has exhibited from the beginning and caused the original departure on your part.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
This guy is bad news. It drives you nuts now, it will drive you more nuts later, and I promise you, as your relationship becomes stronger and more secure the control will grow too;if you commit to this guy it'll really accelerate. Controlling men don't back off, they work to gain more control over you. If you think I'm over the top or off base, I suggest you copy and paste your post to the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board to see what they think. Those women have the experience to recognize beginning abuse (control is a form of abuse) and will be able to tell you what they think from their own experiences and what they didn't recognize at the time. They'll also be happy to tell you if they don't see a problem.
Honestly? For me, if some guy tells me I'm not to drink if he's not around, red flags are flying and my warning sirens are going off on just that alone. And with that -- I'm gone. No way would I be around someone who thinks they can dictate what I can and can't do. That is not the kind of person I want in my life. I want a partner, I'm not looking for someone who looks at me as being beneath him.
I urge you to think about what he's saying and doing. It's serious.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks everyone for your responses. The following is to answer some of your questions. Probably more detail than the first, but here it goes.
We rarely (less than once a month) go out in group settings, at least together. I will hang out with my female friends and work associates sometimes, though.
Anyway, I've actually asked him what's ever happened when we've been out that would make him think I needed him to worry about me. The only thing he could come up with was once when we first started dating, a guy grabbed me inappropriately. Never has anything else happened.
I also asked what he thinks will happen. He says his concern is that someone (his friend, his friend’s girlfriend, himself or someone else) will say something to offend me. I’m not an overly fragile person. I consider myself strong, as do my friends. He says I'm overly sensitive, stating a time when we saw a movie on TV where a teacher slept with a 17 year old student and he thought it was cool and I didn’t. I understood that the boy would think it’s cool - my problem was with the teacher’s abuse of her position.
We broke up initially because I finally recognized his behavior as abusive. I believe he did too. The example I provided with the limiting of friends and when I could drink was prior to the break-up. Now, I befriend who I want, drink when I want and hang out with my friends when I want, for as long as I want, with his blessing. And as long as it’s not a girls outing, he’s welcome to come along.
I do feel like this is an extension of his previous behavior though, and unlike in the past, I will not be submissive and do whatever he wants. Part of the problem before was that I did not stand up for myself, and say that what he was doing bothered me for fear that he’d break up with me, although he never said he would. I have not, nor will I ever do that again.
I know I can live happily without him. But, I would prefer not to because he is highly intelligent and I enjoy our conversations more than anything. He is also very empathetic, generous and affectionate.
After we spoke more about the most recent event, he finally said that he just wanted some time away from me, which I totally respect because I need my time away from him sometimes too. I told him if he’d only said that to begin with, this would not have been an issue this time, but that it is still an issue in the long run. He still seems caught up on the thought that I’m trying to control him, and just can’t seem to see past that. I’m just not sure how to get him to see it.
It's called reverse psychology...projection.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Di, you are absolutely correct – this is my choice, and I realize that. Just like I finally realized before that it was my choice to allow him to control me. I chose to submit. And my co-dependent self loved the fact that he was so “protective” of me.
That has all changed. I am a strong believer that people can change, and I changed myself because I didn't like who I was. I actually like and respect myself now. I've shocked my friends with my transformation from modest, meek little mouse to an open-minded, caring woman who's not afraid to speak her mind.
During my transition (about a year), I did as I chose without his consent. I did not let that deter me, and that's when I developed my independence and self-regard. I saw that the world would not come to an end if I did what I wanted, and he saw that too. That's why I said with his blessing to express his change, but I should have elaborated because I can see how that looks without the rest of the information.
I don't think I mentioned it before, but we've been together almost 13 years, since our junior year in high-school. That's a topic for another board altogether! I’m saying this because several of you have mentioned that I should leave before it gets worse, like we’ve only been together a short time.
I’m not one for giving up when it gets tough. But, I’m also not one to put up with abusive behavior either. So if it does escalate, I will leave, and he is very aware of that. He’s mentioned before that it’s not like I need him. I told him he’s right, I don’t, but I choose him.
Most of the time all I have to do is give him time to think things through. Then he’ll understand where I’m coming from and apologize, which never happened pre-breakup. Occasionally, I have to explain it in a different manner to get him to understand. I’m just hoping to push him along, because this has been a long-standing issue that I’d like resolved.
Gotcha...I can see where you would not want to walk away after you have invested so much in the relationship.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***