Birthday issues w/husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Birthday issues w/husband
15
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:09am

I have been with my husband either married or dating for over 20 years. Early on in our relationship I let him know that birthdays are a sensitive time for me because my family pretty much ignored them when I was growing up. I have let him know numerous times over the years that I don't need an expensive gift, but I do want him to have something for me that shows a little thought, on the actual day. Two years ago we were away on my 40th and he had nothing for me on the day, not even a card. I spent most of that day extremely upset, then the next day we came home and it turned out he had arranged a surprise party at our home with a lot of my friends. That was very nice, but I still don't understand why he had to make me feel so bad on the actual day.

This year he told me that he had ordered something for me online that hadn't come yet. I didn't love not having a gift to open but figured that sometimes that happens. A week later he gave me a piece of lingerie, something he has never bought for me before (I love lingerie but always buy it myself). It was not very flattering so I asked him to exchange it. I told him that I hoped the company wouldn't take forever to make the exchange as they took so long to ship it. He then revealed that he had ordered it the day before my birthday, so he knew he would not have it in time when he ordered it.

The box sat on our kitchen counter for a week. I went on the web site and showed him what style would be more flattering to me. It sat there for several more days. Then we had a huge fight over communication issues, etc., and I told him that the way he had handled my birthday gift made me feel really bad, like he just didn't care. He said that had not been his intention, and the box disappeared. It is another week later and yesterday I found the box, unreturned, in the back of his car. Needless to say, he slept in the guest room last night.

I know my husband it a bit of a procrastinator anyway but it is starting to feel as if he wants me to feel bad on my birthday. This has happened too many times, over too many years. I don't understand what is so hard for him. Even if he wants to wait until the last minute to buy a gift he can, since we live ten minutes away from two huge shopping malls.

I believe he loves me and wants me to be happy, but it just doesn't feel that way, every year, on August 6. Does anyone have any insights on this? I wish it wasn't so important to me but I can't help how I feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:46am

Hi snowflakes4,

My DH is really birthday illiterate too, but not intentionally, that's just how he grew up. I think the surprise party was a great gesture for you. Perhaps most of the people couldn't make it on your actual day and could the next day.

On the first of my birthdays with DH, it was harvest, a busy time for him working 12 hours a day. I woke up to an impersonal birthday card (later I found he had asked an employee to buy one when she was at the store), and a box of Jr. Mints candy with a bow from the quick shop. The card said sorry it's so busy right now but later we'll get on the motorcycle and take a trip somewhere or my choice. Well, I was really disappointed and knew that if I wanted that trip, I'd have to remind him later, and I was not going to do that. I didn't, and I never got that trip. I did however let him know how disappointing that was to me. This birthday his son had bought a cycle about 9 hours from here so they had to go pick it up and stay overnight,then come back. Sooooo, he wasn't even around for this one. I told him on the phone he better not come home empty handed. He said he had an idea what he was going to stop and get. I told him never mind, flowers delivered to work with a wedding date would do. I got 6 (not a dozen, but 6) red roses at work with a "Happy Birthday, You pick a date" on the card. Now, he really did want to get married, and he meant well, but he's just not the romantic type, and as I said, he's birthday illiterate. So,I did pick a date, and he took off work, we went and got married, and had a fantastic weekend. He wined and dined me all that weekend.

I told him next year on my birthday it's me and him, no harvest, no IOU's, no going out of town period. It hurts and is disappointing when they can't just put a little thought an effort into it. I have to remember though that he was not brought up the same as me. It's just not important to him, and he can't just think of some wondeful thing to do for me so easily. I have come to the conclusion that from now on I will have several gifts in mind for my birthday and let him know what they are and where they are then he can choose. That will hopefully take the pressure off of him having to try and find something I would like. If I want to do something special that day, I'm going to plan it, and I'm sure he'll be glad to go along with anything just so that he doesn't have to do the planning. He's just not good at that stuff like I am.

In your case I would have been happy tht he got me lingere, even if he bought it the day before. I think I would have told him the thought was wonderful but would he mind if I exchanged it. Then I would have done the exchanging myself. The importance of getting it exchanged right away to you is much different than the importance he would put on it.

I really don't think they do this intentionally, it's just that they don't put the same importance on things as we do. That's ok though. As I said, I've learned I'll just plan my day from now on then I know it'll be what I want it to be. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 6:29pm

Snowflakes, I'll start by offering you my favourite saying:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

My ex husband used to buy me things with electrical cords attached. Now, unless it's technology, I don't want electrical things! But I also came to accept that this is just the way he was. Useless at gifts. I won't pretend that it's nice to have a husband who doesn't set much store in buying nice birthday gifts or being on time, but it would appear that this is how your husband is. It's something you cannot change. And there's no point in getting upset over something that you cannot change.

However, there are a few things you CAN change.

#1 is to look internally and try to address your childhood issues. While this isn't easy, I would believe that it's easier to fix our own issues than it is to ask someone else to try to fill the gaps for us.

#2 is to accept that your husband is not going to spoil you, so perhaps you can spoil yourself. A trip to a day spa perahps? Jump out of a plane? Go on a mini vacation with the girls. Use your birthday to organise things that you really want to do. Make it special for yourself.

#3 is to take a long look at your marriage. Is he generally thoughtful and caring - with just a blank spot for your birthday.....or is the birthday issue indicitative of the rest of your marriage? This could be very confronting, but I believe that it's important.

#4 is more lighthearted. To be honest, I rarely exchange gifts. I will exchange clothes that don't fit, but I pretend to like things that just don't look so good. It's quite hurtful for the giver to be told that their gift is wrong. However, if you really must exchange it, arrange the exchange yourself. And this comment isn't addressed just for your issue - I'd tell ANY recipient to arrange the exchange themselves.

best of luck to you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:58pm
Welcome to the board, Snowflakes4 ~


I don't know that you're going to like what I have to say. There are many aspects to this to be addressed, IMO.


First, you recognize that you have an issue left over from childhood and that it is so strong that it causes you to spend an entire day upset. Expecting your husband to deal with your issue isn't appropriate, it's your issue, not his. If this is a serious problem for you (and obviously it is) seeking the help of a counselor or therapist to resolve it is appropriate, asking your husband to deal with it is not.


Secondly, he is who he is. Clearly, he is not a gift-giving, birthday-remembering kind of guy; some are and some aren't. He's not going to change who he is because you aren't happy with it.


Third, the reactions you've mentioned are likely killing any desire your husband has to get you a gift; the party is great, but not a gift on the day, the lingerie wasn't flattering, you didn't like it and asked him to return it. It's not surprising that he avoided dealing with the return. Granted, it's possible that boxing it up and shipping it was more time and trouble than he wanted to take, but it's also very possible that he sees gift-giving as a very negative, no-win situation and he avoids dealing with it because he knows the outcome won't be good.


I learned years ago that if you want something you have to get it yourself. Whether it's flowers, a piece of jewelry, a clothing item, whatever. If you love it, want it and/or just need to treat yourself, get it. Have it gift wrapped and unwrap it at home if you like, but get it yourself.


your problem is not new, we've heard it many times before. I understand wanting him to be more into gift-giving, but the bottom line is that your husband is who he is and is not going to change. In most scenarios it is simply something the person posting the problem has to accept, in your situation, you've identified that it is a deep-seated issue. Dealing with the issue and resolving it will resolve this issue for both of you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:39am

Snowflake;

IMO you have some serious issues here you need to work on. He gave you a suprise party and you still tortured him for a whole day with how upset you were cause you got nothing on the actual day!?!?!, and the best thing you can say now is it was "nice"!!! He bought you lingerie and you had to correct him....not only did he buy the wrong thing that YOU did not find flatterning (BTW did he tell you he liked it on you) but he also bought it on the wrong day and didn't return it right....which you hounded him about.

Your family never made a big deal about birthdays......uhhhh and that caused severe emotional trauma in you....please this is the drama of your life?!?! Whatever the real issue is you need to get some therapy before you torture this guy right into a divorce or the arms of a woman who loves and accepts him for who he is.

I remember one person who posted here about a guy that had his wife served with divorce papers on her birthay....think about that next time you are torturing him about his choices.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:20am

Thanks Aisha for your thoughtful words of support. I am definitely taking a close look at my marriage overall.

I think an issue we need to explore in counseling is his unconscious need to hurt me in what I really believe is my only needy issue. Re my fortieth bday, what upset me was that keeping the party a surprise was far more important to him than the fact I spent the previous day in tears believing he was totally ignoring the day. I don't know how old you are but believe me 40 can be very hard to handle, even if your loved ones are actually acting loving towards you. Of course the party was great (first one in 33 years for me btw), but it couldn't change the fact that he spent the day before just watching my reaction and making no attempt to try and make me feel better.

He has a lot of issues with his mother and I think he needs to explore them too, and we both need to work on our lack of nonsexual intimacy. Posting here was a good first step for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:29am

I wonder if you didn't intentionally pick a man who was bad at birthday giving because it represented an opportunity for you to relive your past issues.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:59pm

If your birthday is important to you, then YOU need to plan/do things which bring you joy... the one person who should love you the most--YOU--doesn't do anything for you when 8/6 rolls around--she waits for others to do what she should be doing herself.

On my birthday, I'm at the spa being treated like a queen. I'm doing things for me that make me happy... anything else done by others is icing on that birthday cake. You can break your cycle by acting like your birthday is so important that you make sure you've got that day planned from midnight to midnight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:40pm

>>I don't know how old you are but believe me 40 can be very hard to handle, even if your loved ones are actually acting loving towards you.<<

I'm turning 39 tomorrow...so I'm hot on your heels! However, I must say that I'm quite looking forward to my 40th. I'm already thinking about what type of party I can have. The number doesn't worry me because the only way to stop growing older is to die ;-) I suppose I'm rather pragmatic about the whole birthday thing.

For the record, I've orchestrated my whole day tomorrow. My birthday gift is from a "wish list" that I keep. And I helped choose it because I'm fussy about what I want. (An MP3 player). I've planned the menu for an alfresco meal with my family and will start cooking this afternoon. About the only thing my husband has to do is do a fair bit of the serving tomorrow so that I can relax and enjoy the day.

I also agree with other posters that you could be more accepting about the gifts he gives you. I remember years ago my sister gave me a top that I didn't like and I asked to change it. Do you know, it shattered her confidence so much that she's worried and worried about my birthday gifts ever since. If I could go back in time, I'd accept the gift graciously and not say anything about the style. At the end of the day, her feeling happy and confident with her gift choosing is far more important to me than the style of a top.

I've been known to wear jewellery that my 6yo daughter has made for me. And wear it with pride. Yes, the jewellery does get comments but the only explanation needed is to say "My daughter made it. Isn't it beautiful!" Some parents have said that they couldn't possibly wear something like that and mention that I'm very brave - but I remember the love it was made with.

However, if you really are fussy about what you want, then get involved in the gift choosing process. Make a *specific* wish list or help him shop. But don't ask to change anything unless it truly doesn't fit or is broken.

I don't think your husband is trying to hurt you. Either intentionally or subconsciously. (though I admit him giving you nothing on the day for your 40th and watching you be distressed was callous) I think it's more about him having different priorities to you. And this is something that you need to accept about him. Unless of course, this is the tip of the iceberg and there are much bigger issues in your marriage.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:38am
I agree with Aisha that how one deals with birthdays (age) is quite different than another handles it. I could tell you stories too (I was born the day before Christmas, and I guarantee you no fuss was ever made at my birthday, likewise did I get few gifts, "combination" birthday/Christmas gifts, no birthday cake on my birthday, no party.....) BUT, how that has affected me has no bearing on how you feel about your experience. We all deal with things differently. Never mind the fact that I'm turning 50 this year (how did THAT happen???)


What I don't understand is how your baggage in how you feel about birthdays constitutes your husband needing therapy? This is your issue and your problem to deal with, not his. Perhaps he has his own issues and problems, but this birthday thing is yours, and I guarantee you when you see a therapist you'll realize there's a lot more in it than just how your birthdays were handled. Start with you. When you're made the changes that will come from resolving your issues, it will create change in your relationship that very likely have your husband will find he needs to deal with issues he has as well.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 1:45am

you write: "(I was born the day before Christmas, and I guarantee you no fuss was ever made at my birthday, likewise did I get few gifts, "combination" birthday/Christmas gifts, no birthday cake on my birthday, no party.....) "


I was born 3 days after, and I had the very same experience.. everyone would forget, then would say "I know it's sometime around christmas..."

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