Birthday issues w/husband
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| Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:09am |
I have been with my husband either married or dating for over 20 years. Early on in our relationship I let him know that birthdays are a sensitive time for me because my family pretty much ignored them when I was growing up. I have let him know numerous times over the years that I don't need an expensive gift, but I do want him to have something for me that shows a little thought, on the actual day. Two years ago we were away on my 40th and he had nothing for me on the day, not even a card. I spent most of that day extremely upset, then the next day we came home and it turned out he had arranged a surprise party at our home with a lot of my friends. That was very nice, but I still don't understand why he had to make me feel so bad on the actual day.
This year he told me that he had ordered something for me online that hadn't come yet. I didn't love not having a gift to open but figured that sometimes that happens. A week later he gave me a piece of lingerie, something he has never bought for me before (I love lingerie but always buy it myself). It was not very flattering so I asked him to exchange it. I told him that I hoped the company wouldn't take forever to make the exchange as they took so long to ship it. He then revealed that he had ordered it the day before my birthday, so he knew he would not have it in time when he ordered it.
The box sat on our kitchen counter for a week. I went on the web site and showed him what style would be more flattering to me. It sat there for several more days. Then we had a huge fight over communication issues, etc., and I told him that the way he had handled my birthday gift made me feel really bad, like he just didn't care. He said that had not been his intention, and the box disappeared. It is another week later and yesterday I found the box, unreturned, in the back of his car. Needless to say, he slept in the guest room last night.
I know my husband it a bit of a procrastinator anyway but it is starting to feel as if he wants me to feel bad on my birthday. This has happened too many times, over too many years. I don't understand what is so hard for him. Even if he wants to wait until the last minute to buy a gift he can, since we live ten minutes away from two huge shopping malls.
I believe he loves me and wants me to be happy, but it just doesn't feel that way, every year, on August 6. Does anyone have any insights on this? I wish it wasn't so important to me but I can't help how I feel.

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~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Our family (sisters, parents, nieces) have 4 bithdays between 18th Dec and 1st January. I try to get really organised and do all the birthday shopping at the same time as Xmas shopping. But the post Xmas birthdays tend to get forgotten by many.
My sister in law is on New Year's Day and there has been many a year that everyone is too hung over to do her birthday! (Birthday girl included) Also, the shops are all closed so putting together a party or going out for dinner can prove difficult.
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You have to be kidding....right. This guy is stuck picking up the tab for some perceived birthday injustices in your childhood (only 1 party in 33 years, I don't know how you get out of bed every morning), so he....plans and executes a suprise party with friends family and gifts, and you believe this was all a cover to stick it to you.
Also he intentionally bought you lingerie you would hate.
He is ingenious.... no one would ever suspect that this is all his diabolical plan for hurting you.
Watch out for therapy....you are gonna get a serious shock. Go in talking like this and it is going to take the therapist about 10 minutes before they correctly refocus the spotlight on you.
BTW one of the fastest ways to kill a man's libido is to send him the message that his efforts are not good enough. Thanks for the "nice" party BUT it can never make up for.....(doesn't matter what you say after this).
I hope you get the help you need and don't immediately dismiss the therapist as "bad" as soon as they don't immediately affix all of YOUR severe childhood birthday trauma on HIS relationship with his mother. P.
I'm 46 and I've never had a birthday party in my life. Last year, my own mother forgot my birthday. I don't get presents for my birthday, let alone a party, because it's 3 days after Christmas and everyone is on holiday overload and they've overspent on Christmas presents and NYE plans.
Even if he told you and ruined the surprise, you'd still would have found fault in what he did because of your childhood issues with your parents and your birthday.
I doubt his issues with his mother have anything to do with your issues with your family--and that's really what is the problem here, not him. You married someone who had the same consideration for birthdays as your primary family unit did--and you picked him because you sought to change your parents through your husband. You've transferred your angst from them to him and now, he's the enemy; he's the one who needs therapy. No--it's you who needs to resolve your past with a therapist.
Q,
If it makes you feel any better, my parents forgot my birthday 3 years in a row. And it's nowhere near any major holiday. Now the joke is to see if my dad will remember it every year.... (BTW, of the 4 kid birthdays, mine was the only one forgotten.)
Jen
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