Both under major stress

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Both under major stress
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 12:42pm

My husband and I are going through a very rough patch, and I am not sure what to do to help things improve.

I am under a lot of stress, dealing with the loss of a very dear friend, the terminal illness of another one (who I am being tested for to see if I can be a living donor, as he needs one ASAP), friend/family stupid drama, a family member's newborn in critical condition, my own bipolar disorder causing me to be even more sensitive with all this. So I am emotionally pretty exhausted and have neared thoughts I don't want to have about escaping all this. On top of it, I feel totally alone because I don't have a lot of friends to depend on and who I can be open about things with, and my husband has pretty much completely shut me out.

Why? He has a ton of stress too - caring about me and not being able to help fix the above stuff, but mostly work. He got laid off from his previous job in April, which at first seemed like a blessing in disguise because a month later he got a new job closer to our home with a lot of promise. Well, he's already miserable in his job. His boss is a control freak and does not trust his talent, so she makes him feel like he can't do anything right. He admitted last night that he feels like no one appreciates him and that he can't do or say anything right anywhere, so he is closed off and has been avoiding situations and people who might make him feel bad (me). He also said he loves me very much and knows I am going through hardships and doesn't want to add more stressors so he's not telling me about them.

Well, I feel totally unsupported, alone, and rejected. And I don't feel I have the energy to make him feel better. I try with little things, like a nice text or making him cookies or giving him hugs and encouraging words. But I am human and sometimes have to ask him to pay a bill or clean up something, and then I become evil in his eyes. It's always my fault - I'm too sensitive and moody or whatever. I often dread spending time with him, because he's so miserable. This has been true for a while now. I am even considering a separation, at least living in different sides of the house for a while. Or am I going about this all wrong? Help please if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 1:23pm
You both need do stress management and the best place is counselling/ therapist . Stress is part of life and moreso these days but it can be managed by prof help
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 9:23pm

It's hard when both of you are having different problems at the same time--it would be nice if the problems would have taken turns so you could each be the supportive one.  I do agree w/ counseling and I also think you both need to do things to take the stress off--exercise is one thing--both of you could go for a walk after dinner and it could be a silent walk just so you are together and enjoying nature.  You could also agree to go out & do something that you would both enjoy to take your mind off your problems and agree in advance not to spend any time talking about your problems.  But I think for a bigger solution, counseling is probably necessary for both of you individually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 11:27am


'...dealing with the loss of a very dear friend, the terminal illness of another one (who I am being tested for to see if I can be a living donor, as he needs one ASAP), friend/family stupid drama, a family member's newborn in critical condition'.

Why do you get so involved with family and friends' dramas? What's it to you at the end of the day? It is truly sad and heartbreaking that a family newborn's in a bad way but it's not YOUR newborn, is it?

I can understand hurting for sick or dyng friends. Nothing you can do here but grieve.. This is where talking, at length, helps. Would h just sit and listen if you asked him?

IMHO, if we all went to stress management classes and therapy every time life was stressful we'd sit in those all our lives. Grown up life, especially one where there are kids and mortgages is one big stressful day/month/year (that's why I have neither). 

IMHO, grown ups have to deal with things in a proactive way. If you can eliminate the cause of stress you should do so - talking about it won't make it go away. Not talking about won't make it go away either. If your h hates his new job he should leave. I know, easier said than done but I know just how horrible it can be to hate a new job/boss and how it sort of paints your entire life in such black colours that you're not able to enjoy a single thing in it. He should start looking for a new job whilst doing the old one. Again, I know - hard, but such is life, and it's got to be done.