Boyfriend doesn't want to have sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Boyfriend doesn't want to have sex
6
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:47pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and living together for one. The reason we moved in together was because he took a job out of town and I went with him. It wouldn't have been possible do long distance and we felt that our relationship was worth making the effort to stay together. Since moving in together we have been having sex less and less. The last time was about 5 weeks ago. He works long hours and at first said the reason was because he was so tired and stressed about work and he had lost his sex drive.

A few nights ago we finally had a long talk and he revealed that he has begun to think of me as more of a friend and doesn't want to have sex with me. He said that he feels he needs someone who is more aggressive sexually ( I enjoy sex and am willing to try new things but can be timid about initating sex our talking about what I want.) After talking I tried to initiate sex with him but he was uninterested and said no. He is not sure if he wants to try to work things out or if he would prefer I move out. He says he cares about me and feels that I am one of the closest people to him but I don't think he feels like he is in love with me.

I want to work things out and stay with him. I am very much in love with him and want to do whatever I can to make it work. I know I can't change his feelings for me but I can't believe we are just friends. I am not sure whether to make an effort with him sexually to show him I can be more aggressive or if I should just respect his feelings about not wanting to have sex and not try to push it.

Thanks for any help you can give me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:48pm
Ann, I've got a few ideas but I'm out of time now. Will be back later!
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:03pm

Welcome to the board, Ann753 ~


I have a few questions, if you don't mind...Was there any suggestion of things "going wrong" before the move or was this change very abrupt? I ask because this all seems so sudden; to have a three-year long relationship that you decide you aren't in love in anymore after five weeks doesn't make sense. Are there ongoing problems and issues you two have been dealing with all along? If so, what are they and how has that gone? You said you both felt the relationship was worth making the effort to stay, and I guess the wording could imply that the relationship isn't *great* and that there isn't the kind of deep love that makes moving together obvious. Would you agree, or am I misinterpreting the statement? Looking back can you still say that he was equally on board and enthusiastic about you moving with him? I'm wondering too if part of this might be difficulties in adapting to living with someone after having lived on your own for some time.


Sorry for the questions when you came for answers, but the answers you give will help!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 10:48pm

There weren't problems before moving in together. I think the reason I said that we thought it was worth making the effort to stay together was because we hadn't been together very long ( a little less than a year) and if he wasn't moving away for work living together wouldn't have been something we would have done so soon in the relationship.

The shortest relationship I had before this was 2 and a half years, so after only a year it still seemed new to me. I guess looking back I could question whether is was a deep love he felt, I know we were in love with each other but he is someone thay isn't very affectionate and doesn't say I love you very often. I guess I thought that was just how he is, but maybe it could have been that he didn't have the feelings I thought he did. I think he feels that I pushed the idea of me coming with him but I don't agree. If he didn't feel that way for me I don't understand why he wouldn't have ended it.

I think a big part may be just issues with living together, I work from home so I am always around. I try to go out and give him as much space as he needs whenever I can or for a few hours on weekends so he can spend time at home alone. I think even though we are living together we stopped spending quality time together communicating as well as we could have. Other than this we have never had any ongoing problems, we have never had a major fight or any serious issues such as cheating or lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:16pm

I'm confused. I just realized that not only was I was way off in my thinking (thought you'd been together three years and somehow also thought you'd not lived together until you moved) but I'm also confused becuase here you said you'd only been together for a little more than a year, but in your initial post you said you'd been together for two years, lived together for one. When you said here that you'd only been together for a little less than a year, by together did you mean "living together', and when you said you normally wouldn't have considered moving having been together for such a short period, are you saying when you live with someone you don't see it as a serious relationship? Not trying to be nosy, just trying to get a feel for how you view relationships and what "stepping up" the relationship (like moving in together) means to you. It'll help.


Obviously, now that I'm confused on how long you've lived together I'll need to get that cleared up before I can get a grasp on it. I can understand how you working from home could be difficult for him to adjust to, but not if you've been living together for a year. As far as problems go, I wasn't talking about cheating, lying or anything huge, but any issue(s) that are ongoing and/or keep coming back up. It doesn't have to be an earth-shattering problem to be something that can become a major drag that can ultimately destroy a relationship. I'd also still like to know if this change in him was sudden or gradual. I see where you said he's not verbally affectionate but I don't know if that's a change from how he used to be and I don't know if this significant change has been coming on slowly or if it's very sudden. I'm not asking you to count how many times you had sex five months ago and compare it to last month (lol), but if changes have been coming all along, I think if you look back you'll see it.


Sorry for nothing but more questions, but gaining clarity will enable me to formulate an opinion and probably will help others who are needing the same information before they can offer their thoughts!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:59pm

Sorry for not making sense. We have been together a total of almost two years. For one year we were dating but not living together. We moved in together last summer when he got a job out of town and I went with him.

When I said I normally wouldn't have considered moving in together so soon I didn't mean I think living with someone isn't serious. I just feel that if he been able to find a job in the original city where we were living (in seperate apartments) I don't think we would have moved in together at the time. I consider us to be in a serious relationship and I view living together as a step toward marriage and a future together.

As far as problems, I can't think of any issues that keep coming up. And as for him not being very affectionate, it's how he has always been so is hasn't seemed like anything new.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 1:17am

No problem Ann, I have to admit to misunderstanding a lot of what you did say clearly, too. I've been a real ditz for some reason. Somehow, I read you to be saying you'd only been living together for five weeks when what you said was you haven't had sex for five weeks. I guess while you've been tripping over what you were trying to say, I've been tripping over what I've been reading. I don't know when I've made so many misunderstandings. Between what you've explained and what I've reread (correctly, for a change) I think I've got it straight. You've been together two years, lived together since last summer, haven't had sex for five weeks, he says he doesn't have loving/sexual feelings for you anymore.


Other than sex, have you been able to see that something's bothering him? Is he under a lot of stress at work?


It sounds like it's possible that since he's not very affectionate, his feelings may have been changing for a while and you haven't realized it. Have you talked to him about the specifics of what he's feeling? I'm thinking he must have issues with something; it's not too likely that a reason of "nothing's bothered me at all between us, I just don't feel like I used to", unless you guys are pretty young. Are you? Have you suggested couples counseling? Is he willing to at least go and explore there? At couples counseling you'd almost certainly figure out whether staying together or ending it was what he (or you) wanted to do, and if staying was the choice, you'd be able to work in counseling to strengthen your relationship and better deal with each other (not that you're not doing that now, you'd just get much better at it). It would also help you come to terms with the relationship ending if his choice is to end it.


I don't think coming onto him sexually is a good idea; he's already told you he doesn't want to have sex and has already turned down one attempt. Continuing to push is humiliating for you and makes him see you as a negative and a bother (believe me, having someone come on to you when you don't want them is not a positive experience to have with them and will likely push him farther away). Realistically, if he decides to end the relationship, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. But until then, I think you owe it to yourselves to do something to work on it. Standing by doing the same old thing that's seeing it fall apart is not going to help. I'd say if you used to go out and have fun but haven't been doing that lately, get back to doing it. Get yourselves out of your house, take walks together, talk, really talk. I'll wait to hear back before offering more....







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"