Boyfriend isn't expressive/caring
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:41pm |
I need help, as I'm at my wits end and almost falling out of love with my boyfriend. We've been together for 8 months now and the longer we are together, the less he seems to be trying in our relationship. My friends think that I should break up with him, but I talked with him yesterday and he wants to try to understand what I need (as he said that he wasn't particularly expressive in past relationships either). Also, all that his last girlfriend wanted in terms of the relationship was sex-and this is kind of the opposite of how I am as I'm a virgin. I want to sleep with him, but I am feeling ignored and like he doesn't even like me most of the time which is making it hard to feel okay about having sex for the first time with this guy.
He says that he really does love me and care about me and wants to make this work. Anyway (sorry for rambling), here is my question. He says that he doesn't know how to make a woman feel loved/cared for/understood/respected. This is really all I want in a relationship and I'm trying to figure out how to put into words how one does these things. I know that for him, I've done things like surprising him while he's watching a game with his favorite dinner or ice cream, giving him a care package to open (one card /gift every few days while he's on vacation), leaving notes on his car windshield, keeping his favorite foods around at my house, etc. I don't want to say "well, I am kindof doing the things that I would love" nor do I want to give specific examples of what ex boyfriends have done as that might make him feel worse.
What do you all think? How does your man make you feel like you're special?
Thanks so much for any ideas!

petulalou,
You have to talk to him about it and you have to give him suggestions and let him know what you want. He's not a mind reader and if you expect him to be one you will forever be dissappointed (which will ultimately be your own fault not his because you didn't communicate with him).
Some men aren't just born with this knowledge, you have to help them out alot from time to time. You can't just expect them to know what you want. You're going to have to tell him what you want. After a few times, he'll probably start using his imagination and you'll find that you'll have to tell him less and less.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Trust your gut and ask yourself this question. What if this is just the way he is? There are people that can love you but do not have it in their character to express the type of emotional attention that you need.
I would suggest that you sit on the sex idea for right now (because that is going to be an important issue for you judging from how you referenced it being your "first" time) and get to know him better.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I am not sure what almost falling out of love is....sounds like some type of rationalization....but anyways, you should listen to your friends.
It is easier to find someone that is more compatible at an emotional level than to train someone. If he doesn't do this it is cause he doesn't need it or even want it so anything he does do will always be artificial and probably short term. You have been with him for 8 months and has not been thinking about you and your needs, despite all this stuff you are doing?!?!
You are viewing these issues as situational...."if he just did this or that once and awhile.....", I would suggest that it is much deeper than that or he would not make idiotically defensive statements like he "doesn't know how to make a woman feel loved/cared for/understood/respected."
Best Wishes, P.
I agree with Dirextor. IMO, "how to treat a woman as she wants" isn't something that's learned, just like no one had to teach you "how to treat a guy". This guy has been in relationships before, he's been told he's not expressive, he knows what did and didn't work in those relationships, what did and did not please his girlfriends. He knows what issues were problems, what his girlfriends complained about, etc. He's also in a day and age where media leaves little to guess about regarding what a woman's general idea of a good relationship and a good boyfriend are. It's not rocket science. You can tell him anything and everything you want, but if he has to be told, it's not coming naturally to him and that means they're not things that are in his typical nature to do. In other words, he is who he is and you giving him an outline of how to treat you won't do much good in the end. I suspect he'll change his behavior for a few days, a week or so, then he'll slide right back to who he really is. The bottom line in any relationship is finding someone who's personality and actions are a good match for you as they are, not as you try to shape them into being. If they aren't satisfactory as they are, without change, they're not right for you, period. Some girl out there wants a guy who's just like him, but that girl is not you, and it's all about finding someone who's right as they are for you - as you are.
Your statement about "the longer we're together the less he seems to be trying" is pretty typical of a relationship that isn't meant to make the long haul. He's showing more of who he really is and is less intent on trying to impress you. It's a normal part of a relationship at this stage. What's likely happening is that as you're seeing more of who he really is, you're liking it less.
I'd suggest you keep your standards for what you want in a relationship in mind and if he continues to disappoint you or be less than you want, move on. I agree 100% that holding onto your virginity is a very good idea, you would not want to give it to someone that you'd regret.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"