boyfriend keeps me waiting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
boyfriend keeps me waiting
10
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 12:43am

Hi, I'm new. I've posted in this forum before, but years ago. I look forward to chatting with all of you.

I'm having issues with my boyfriend. He is usually wonderful and considerate in every way. My only problem is he keeps me waiting a lot. We don't get to see each other during the week because he is in school, works, and lives 45 minutes away. We see each other every weekend. Sometimes we hang out one night, sometimes spend the entire weekend from Friday-Sunday together. My problem is a lot of times he keeps me waiting. He will make plans with me for the weekend early in the week, which I really like, but the times always get a little screwed up. Like, if we plan to get together Saturday early afternoon, I will be ready to go by 12pm or 1pm, but then he will call around that time and be like, "okay, I am coming to pick you up after I go grocery shopping, take a nap, stop by my friend's house, and check out some camping equipment for my trip next month, etc., etc." And then by the time he's done doing all this stuff, it's like 4pm and I have been sitting around doing nothing for 3 hours. Or sometimes, I find stuff to do, but spend the whole time wishing I was with him and wondering why he doesn't feel the same. After a week without seeing him, I am DYING to see him and pretty much wouldn't let anything take away from our time together. I mean, 4pm is still a perfectly reasonable time to get together, so I wish he could just say, let's meet up at 4pm. It makes me feel like an obligation or afterthought when he names off all these things he's got to do before picking me up. And a lot of the times, I wonder why he couldn't have done that stuff earlier in the day or on a day when we didn't have plans, especially since we make our plans so early in the week. We only get to see each other on the weekends.

Do you have any advice on how to approach him about this? Should I just let it go because everything else is so great and it's not like we end up getting together super-late or anything? I just want to reach a compromise and not start a fight. I know that he is incredibly busy and don't want to phrase it in a way that will make him feel defensive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:34am

Welcome back, Jessicaj, obviously I don't recognize you from your old posts since you're not using your old name. Is your post regarding the same boyfriend as before?


I don't think letting it go is acceptable, his actions are disrespectful of your time. Honestly, I don't know why you didn't discuss it with him the first time it happened. It sounds like it's a pretty established pattern, you discuss the time he'll pick you up early in the week, you continue to belive he'll really be there at the agreed upon time and he leaves you waiting for hours. If it happened to me, I'd be concerned the first time it happened and I'd ask what happened, I'd be livid the second time (assuming he did it again) and the third time I wouldn't be home if he arrived more than 20 minutes late. My time is more valuable than that and I deserve more respect than that. IMO, it doesn't matter how great the rest of the relationship is, this is not acceptable at all, period. Has he always been like this? How long have you been together and how long have you been spending weekends at his place?


So how do you approach it?


  • By sitting down with him and telling him you don't understand what happens on "pick up day" and why. Give him time to explain his POV.
  • By making a point of saying "We always agree on a time for you to pick me up, but you're always hours late. I need to be clear on whether this time we've agreed on is the time you'll be at my place or when you're leaving yours." What you need is an firm agreement from him on the time that he'll be at your place and let him know you're counting on him to keep his word."
  • By not being there if he shows up late, thereby ending your weekend get-together. When he calls to find out what happened tell him, "I waited for a bit after the time we agreed on, you weren't there so I went out to do something else." When he figures out you're not at his beck and call, that you have a life and you will spend it regardless of whether he's there or not, he'll likely show more concern and respect for being there when he says he will.
  • All of the above points should be used in dealing with this issue, IMO.


    Question for you, is he chronically late for everything else? His job, meetings with friends, appointments, etc.? If he's not, the message is pretty clear, you're not respected by him and you're not too important to him. Maybe you've been too available and he takes you for granted, maybe he just isn't as interested as you'd like him to be.


    As far as the things that have him coming in late, grocery shopping, etc., you're absolutely right. Since he knows far in advance what time has been agreed on as the pick up time, he should have had time during the week or earlier in the day to take care of those. Even if he's slammed and wasn't able to get them done, he should have enough courtesy and respect for your time to call you and let you know that he's going to be late -- long before he's due at your place; if he's got things to do, he knows that the night before and should be able to alert you then, if not in the morning. As far as grocery shopping, etc., goes, why can't he do that together with you after he picks you up? I hate to say it, but I think there's a real possibility that he may be passively trying to get you to break up with him.


    I've got to tell you, I find it alarming that this guy is so disrespectful and uncaring of your time and your concern isn't about how you're being treated and disrespected, but about not causing trouble, because he's so busy. If he's busy then he certainly knows the value of time, and as such can certainly appreciate hours being wasted waiting for someone. Sorry but your time, your worth and your respect is worth way more than that. I'm concerned that you don't see yourself as someone who deserves better than this. I wonder if the fact that you say you don't want to cause a fight indicates he has a short temper or isn't open to anything that remotely sounds like criticism? Are there other areas in your relationship that you find yourself compromising in?







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-15-2005
    Mon, 07-03-2006 - 10:18am
    I totally agree with cl-2nd_life about him being really disrespectful.
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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-14-2006
    Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:34am

    Being chronically late is a passive agressive behavior trying to exert control. The key indicator is willingness or ability. If he is on time for other stuff, like his job, you know he does not have an ability issue.....if it is important to him, and there is an expectation he can be on time. Now if he is always late to everything all the time (very very rare) then you may just be with a guy that marches to his own drum.

    My X tried this pasive aggressive control stuff for custody exchanges....never on time, always trying to create choas and force me to adjust. If I had a flight to go out of town she would intentionally be late, knowing it created problems for me, if I did not then make the flight. The judge figured this out in about 10 seconds when he aksed her if she was often late to work....when she said no she had an exemplary work record, he lectured her pretty harshly.

    If it bothers you, tell him, and if he cares he will get better....he just can not justify being hours late (always 15 mintues late...OK then just factor that into your plan), if he knows this bothers someone he loves. There are other issues here also which are why does he think this is acceptable behavior if he is so good in the relationship otherwise, and then of course....why have you put up with it.

    Good luck, P.

     

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-13-2005
    Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:45am
    I know exactly how you feel!
    My boyfriend always seems to have better things to do and feels obligated to "fit me in"
    he makes plan to see me and then calls back to say he cant make becuase he has to d something, to me it sounds like, in other words he has better things to do.
    i always feel second best...and the strange thing its only recently.
    It made me consider my feelings towards him, I felt neglected and at a vunerable moment I cheated on him.
    Now we're not together and Im going crazy trying to think of ways to get us back together, but does he even want me, did he really want me in the first place. He might of lost interest ages ago? :s
    I think you should give your boyfriend space, miss a weekend, see if he misses your routine or find out whether its the "routine" he finds annoying.
    after this gap, do something fun, hopefully he'll remember and appreciate your time together.
    good luck, wish me luck too.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:05am

    Sweetie, why would you spend a moment of your time "going crazy trying to think of ways to get us back together" with a guy who "feels obligated to fit you in"? I have to warn you that if he's trying to create some space, attempts to get together will feel smothering and will have him see you in a negative light. Attempts to run after someone who's indicated they're no longer interested results in self humiliation. You don't want his last memory of you to be "the thing that wouldn't go away" and you don't want your last memory of him to be trying desperately to get him to want to be with you. If he's interested, he'll be there, meanwhile, your time is much better spent focusing on your life, your own activities, friends and fun. If he comes back you'll be ready, if he doesn't, you'll have a head start in moving on.


    I wonder how much communication you two had? Why weren't you able to discuss his recent "obligatory feelings"? Why don't you know if he's been tired of you for a long time - and why would you think he might be? Lastly, cheating "in a vulnerable moment" because of feelings of neglect doesn't speak highly of self control, decision making or maturity. You're only as vulnerable as you allow yourself to be. We're all solely responsible for our actions.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-13-2005
    Wed, 07-12-2006 - 8:22pm

    What can I say other than I TOTALLY AGREE.
    I've decided to not chase him, I need to just let go of the situation and if he comes
    back then I'll deal with that then.
    I deffinatly dont want to be the "thing that wouldn't go away" but its either that or "the girl who cheated on me and humiliated me"
    I didn't tell him about my obligatory feelings because I didn't want to sound like the nag. I wanted to be understanding and I hoped that it would just fade.
    I realise that I have to give him time, he is very stubborn, proud and unwilling to open up.
    I dont blame him for the ways he's acting towards me,
    I cant blame anyone else for my actions and I suppose that's why I feel so guilty and compelled to make things right between us.

    Thanks for your advie I think I need a neutral standing on the matter, my friends are great but I guess I needed a second opinion.

    Wat about you...have you sorted out your issues with your man?

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:48am

    I think you're confusing me with Jessicaj2006, the OP.


    I'm glad you've decided to back off, I know it's not easy. You said it's either be "thing that wouldn't go away" or "the girl who cheated on me and humiliated me", but the fact is, that you don't get to decide whether you can make the "cheating and humiliating" part better or not, he does. The only part you can choose is not to be "the thing that wouldn't go away". If he's asked to be left alone, you need to respect his request and leave him alone. Continuing to come around won't up your chances to make things right, it'll lessen them.


    I know it's hard to hurt someone and not be able to make it right, but that's the way it is. They're the ones who decide who they want to keep in their lives and who they don't. All you can do is learn from this. When you cheat you hurt yourself and the person you cheated on; you can't make it better, can't take away the hurt or pain and very often, you don't get the chance to repair it. Redeeming yourself with him may be something you don't get to do. We all make mistakes and none of us get to go back and change what we've done. So, learn from it, recognize the damage it causes and never do it again.

    What do your friends tell you?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 7/13/2006 1:57 am ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    Thu, 07-13-2006 - 9:36am

    I agree with CL an Orange.

    Peace,

    Di

    ***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

     

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 07-08-2003
    Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:00am
    Thanks all for your advice and for sharing your own stories. This week, we ended up in a situation where he did something else inconsiderate. When I called him out on it, he all of a sudden decided he has been getting a weird vibe from me and doesn't know what he wants to do. He set up a time to talk to me about it, but then bailed out on that time. He has been calling me, but I haven't called him back. I think whoever said something about it being about control was right. I definitely got that vibe from him after this other situation. We haven't officially broken up, but in my mind, we are broken up.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:54pm

    If it is control, and it very well sounds like it is, count your lucky stars that you've ended it. The move of setting a time to talk and then bailing on you, knowing this was a very important discussion is one of someone trying to establish (or re-establish) his domination/control If that isn't a serious concern, I don't know what is!


    I'm sorry you got hurt, but I'm glad you're out of it. Not only do you deserve a lot better, but the control aspect is a downright serious concern.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"