Boyfriend needs space

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Boyfriend needs space
13
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:43am
Hello all I was living with my boyfriend for the past year, although before that we had been together basically 6 years, although we were both young at the time and in school so this was ok. The past year Ive been wanting to progress, Im almost 25 and he just turned 32. I thought the living situation was going ok, we would have the odd argument about me cleaning all the time, me cooking mostly and when I would come home often on late nights around 10, there would be nothing there for me to eat. I admit I overreacted on times because I was tired and this was my mistake. but I dont think these issues should be a reason to break up since there were always resolved and never really serious. Also during this time I had to move to another city to be with him, so I didnt have a lot of friends, I was trying very hard and with a new job as well. I let him go out with his friends whenever he felt he needed it, which was atleast once a week and I also got along very well with all his friends and sometimes we went out with his couple friends. I was finding new friends, but often after a long week when he would go out I would just rather relax by myself on the couch while he went out. Often on weekends when we were both free my boyfriend would get in very strange moods like he needed excessive space and that I was bothering him. He would spend hours in front of the pc and I felt like I was tip toeing aorund the house so I wouldnt get in his way. I tried very hard to make him happy, but I just felt like he needed excessive personal space. But he gave me a lot of mixed signals, one min he would be all over me, laughing with me and being loving and the next he would get very distant and need his space and freedom. We are very comptiable and feel a great connection Id like to say. But anyway I went out of town for s few weeks to visit my family and when I was gone he said he wasnt sure, he just felt like he wanted to be alone and basically he broke up with me. I mean we had a few problems but not something to break up about after basiclly 7 years! We didnt talk for a while, I basically moved out because he said he needed his space more than anything. Went to stay with my family now for the past month and a half, he is starting to come around and says he wants to talk to me but at the same time wants to be alone. He says he loves me and is in love with me and feels a connection with me and doesnt want to start seein other girls because he has no desire and would feel like he is betraying me. He looks at it like a couple who just needs some time apart. But for me it is so much more than that, Im very hurt and feel like I should take this bull. But I dont know, what moves should I make here to get him back, obviously he has serious space and commitment issues. What do you think I should do? Ive basically given up on him but there is a part of me that would like to make him realize.
Thanks@ Sorry its so long...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:48am

Basically why would you waste your time and settle for someone who

<<>>

You have tried for basically 7 years and basically this is where you are....how many more years is it basically gonna take before he is basically healthy emotionally.

How good would it feel to be with someone that basically doesn't have these issues and you could "progress" from hoping he heals himself to basically having a healthy relationship.

What is up with all the basically's ;>)

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:13pm

you write: " I let him go out with his friends..."

Let him? That is a parent/child dynamic.

It sounds to me as if he's rethinking the wisdom in the two of you living together. You say you are compatible, but his actions are screaming otherwise. I don't think he thinks the same as you on this issue. With some people, all it takes is one conflict for them to recoil from investing any more of themselves into a relationship that they see is not going in the direction in which they forsee. While you may think the blow up was nothing, clearly, he thinks otherwise and his actions are telling you that you underestimated his intolerance for drama.

Your best bet, I believe, would be to move out on your own so that you both can have a sense of space--something which is important to him and you can't underestimate that or relegate it to unimportance just because it's something you don't want. There are no moves you can make, except for out on your own, which can manipulate him into wanting what he doesn't want or getting back with you--he has to come to that of his own volition. If he doesn't feel it, nothing will get him there. He's not going to realize anything he doesn't choose to. It would be a waste of your energy and time to think along those lines.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:51pm
Hey thanks for your advice. Well I know inside the right thing to do is to give up because he has given me a lot more problems besides the ones I mentioned, I was trying to be a little easy on him and highlight my mistakes more then his. Really the truth is, after a long distance relationship for 6 years back and forth, me in Canada and him in Italy, I moved to Italy, the first time for 3 months-a summer trial live in I guess you could call it in 2004. Everything went fine, although I didnt speak the language, but was learning and found it hard to find friends, but besides those issues the relationship felt good. I did notice at this point his excessive need for time alone. I tried to respect this and like I said previously, gave him the freedom to do what he liked within reason, without being like a parent. He needed also to be understanding of where I was in this situation. Anyway I came back in September to finish some more education back here in Canada and had plans to go back in the next 6 months. As soon as I left he emailed me and said he didnt know, he was scared and unsure. Ok I was patient with his decision and gave him hmmm something like 8 months to decide...yes I am stupid. Finally he came and visited me and everything seemed fine, so I moved back in June 2005. I got a job there as an english teacher, met new friends, was pretty busy, found my own transportation and learnt the language pretty much. I just felt like he wanted me to be more and more independent and I wanted to be too of course, but it was difficult and a slow process considering my circumstances. He is also very independent and needed a lot of space, after coming home some nights after me being at work till 10pm, he still wanted space and time to do his own things. Other times he was crazy about me, so the good times kind of equaled out the bad times when he needed so much space. I know some people just need a lot of space but it really seemed excessive. Personally I think he would feel closed in and controlled, even though I truly feel this wasnt what I was portraying or doing. I think he has deep rooted commitment issues from his family. Yes and I know I shouldnt stick around and deal with it considering I came back to Canada in the end of June this year and he sent me yet again another email saying he wasnt sure and wanted to break up. This presented a lot of problems for me, not only was I upset, but alllll my things were there, my job, my friends, I had become attached to his mother. And the thing is I wasnt expecting it at all. I just think for the most part we were very happy, we had a little stress but we were working through it. A lot of the stress had to do with him not paying bills or knowing how to manage his money even though he was 32!! I was paying my half but his mother paid his.. Italian mammas boy. Well I know Im crazy, but Im in love and we worked so hard to make this relationship work and I find it hard to give up on him. I think although that he is very selfish, he says now he loves me and is in love with me but is unsure, so he wants to talk to me, but just needs some space now. He says we are just a couple who needs some time apart. Well I dont buy it and I cant wait around again this time. I just find it hard to completly move on, not speak to him, not care about him. Well I know everyone will advise me of this when they read this, but its easier said then done and I just wish there was something I could do to finally make him realize that what we had was great. It was great even to the last night I was there, the weekend before we went to a beautiful beach location and then a romantic perfect dinner the night before I left, kisses and love before I got on the plane... Trust me I know what I have to do, but any last min advice? I basically have respected all his wishes and Im moving on her with my life in Canada, have quit my job, found an apartment here, going back to University, reconnected with all my friends, its just hard to give up 100%.
Thanks, be easy on me...
Suz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:42pm

Hi Suz,


I'll go as easy on ya as I can! ;)


The long and short of it is that you could very well spend lots of years of your life uprooting yourself to go to Italy and then uprooting yourself again to go back to Canada.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:10pm
Thanks Kim for going easy on me, I really appreciate it. And I know I deserve more, I know I cant keep playing this game with him, when Ive done nothing wrong to deserve it, except the nagging about cleaning but really Ive been an outstanding wonderful, loving girlfriend. I guess I just need to hear it again and again till it finally get through my thick skull! Or maybe Im hoping someone will give me some hopeful advice that if I stop talking to him then maybe then he will realize. I dont know, I love him so much. But I know I deserve more, I guess Im just scared, Im 24 and he was my first love, my first everything and I really centered a lot of my decisions around him and have been waiting for him to straighten his life up these past 7 years and Im still waiting... Id like to believe it has nothing to do with me or him not loving me enough and I think I do now because he has a history of the typical commitment phobe, whether you like to believe this jargon or not, but I see all the textbook signs. Whether or not he has a problem, its not me to fix either, he has to come to some sort of self realization himself. Whats funny is I guess he figures I will be here no matter what, because I was before. He says we are just a couple on a break, but I he basically told me not to come back to Italy, made me cancel my ticket back, quit my job there and leave all my clothes and things there! That should alone be unforgiveable but I just cant get it, the pain is too much when I think of never being with him again. Also he said he is in love with me, but just doesnt know, he doesnt want to date other girls because he doesnt want to and because he would feel like he is betraying me. He says he wants to talk to me still, but not be together for now. Can we say selfish? Im also not too busy now, I had these past two months as down time because I wasnt sure what to do with my life and didnt want to do any drastic decisions. Well now Im going back to school, so its better, it will be better. Well I dont know, I know I have to give up, but Im doing that in the hope he will come back, but I guess if I stop talking to him and he doesnt contact me then it will become easier and easier and my hope will start to fade. What do you think?
Thanks so much.
Suz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:28pm

Suz,


You're absolutely right -- all the issues he has are just that -- HIS issues.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:48pm
Ahhh I know your right as well, I guess I just need constant reasurrance. Everytime I see him online I want to talk to him, but I have to force myself. So I guess you think he will never come around right? hahah! I know! Well I am moving on, going back to school for another degree, never too much education! Have a new apartment, reconnected with all my old friends after a year. Have started to think about dating, but its way too soon for me, after my ex being my only real boyfriend, I never did much dating back in highschool...I overanalyze everything too much and that's not what dating is about. Hmmm well I will just focus on myself for now, its better and really I could meet somebody and in a year we could be married, all relationships dont have to be 7 years in and your still waiting on an answer!
Thanks so much for the support, your great! And yourself?
Suz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:56pm

**So I guess you think he will never come around right?


In a word, no. ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:19pm
Your right, your very right. I know what I have to do, I just need to be busy and I will be in the next two weeks! Yeah and even if he came around could I go back to that, I love you, but I need space, I need you, but then I dont. I want somebody who will go crazy after me and know that they want me and want to be with me. Its just sad though because we had so many good times, but I cant think about them now, they just make me want to tell him and to show him that we were great together. But I dont need somebody with so many issues and he is bringing me down with him. I just need to be strong and move on, I can do this. Thanks you've been a great help to me today, I feel fabulous again, imagine how I was almost 2 months ago when this happen... haha Ive gotten a lot better, its just the past two weeks he has been telling me he would like to talk to me again, but still needs space and that the only thing he knows is that he doesnt know. Well it's just not good enough for me and I wont be there on his schedule of needs because I need a whole lot more. Well thats what I am saying today, I just need to stick to this mind set for good. Thanks again Kim!
Suz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:25pm
You're very welcome Suz -- and if you start feeling doubtful again or wonder if you made the right choice, come back here and read what you wrote! :)
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