Boyfriend needs space
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Boyfriend needs space
| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:43am |
Hello all I was living with my boyfriend for the past year, although before that we had been together basically 6 years, although we were both young at the time and in school so this was ok. The past year Ive been wanting to progress, Im almost 25 and he just turned 32. I thought the living situation was going ok, we would have the odd argument about me cleaning all the time, me cooking mostly and when I would come home often on late nights around 10, there would be nothing there for me to eat. I admit I overreacted on times because I was tired and this was my mistake. but I dont think these issues should be a reason to break up since there were always resolved and never really serious. Also during this time I had to move to another city to be with him, so I didnt have a lot of friends, I was trying very hard and with a new job as well. I let him go out with his friends whenever he felt he needed it, which was atleast once a week and I also got along very well with all his friends and sometimes we went out with his couple friends. I was finding new friends, but often after a long week when he would go out I would just rather relax by myself on the couch while he went out. Often on weekends when we were both free my boyfriend would get in very strange moods like he needed excessive space and that I was bothering him. He would spend hours in front of the pc and I felt like I was tip toeing aorund the house so I wouldnt get in his way. I tried very hard to make him happy, but I just felt like he needed excessive personal space. But he gave me a lot of mixed signals, one min he would be all over me, laughing with me and being loving and the next he would get very distant and need his space and freedom. We are very comptiable and feel a great connection Id like to say. But anyway I went out of town for s few weeks to visit my family and when I was gone he said he wasnt sure, he just felt like he wanted to be alone and basically he broke up with me. I mean we had a few problems but not something to break up about after basiclly 7 years! We didnt talk for a while, I basically moved out because he said he needed his space more than anything. Went to stay with my family now for the past month and a half, he is starting to come around and says he wants to talk to me but at the same time wants to be alone. He says he loves me and is in love with me and feels a connection with me and doesnt want to start seein other girls because he has no desire and would feel like he is betraying me. He looks at it like a couple who just needs some time apart. But for me it is so much more than that, Im very hurt and feel like I should take this bull. But I dont know, what moves should I make here to get him back, obviously he has serious space and commitment issues. What do you think I should do? Ive basically given up on him but there is a part of me that would like to make him realize.
Thanks@ Sorry its so long...
Thanks@ Sorry its so long...

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Basically why would you waste your time and settle for someone who
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You have tried for basically 7 years and basically this is where you are....how many more years is it basically gonna take before he is basically healthy emotionally.
How good would it feel to be with someone that basically doesn't have these issues and you could "progress" from hoping he heals himself to basically having a healthy relationship.
What is up with all the basically's ;>)
P.
you write: " I let him go out with his friends..."
Let him? That is a parent/child dynamic.
It sounds to me as if he's rethinking the wisdom in the two of you living together. You say you are compatible, but his actions are screaming otherwise. I don't think he thinks the same as you on this issue. With some people, all it takes is one conflict for them to recoil from investing any more of themselves into a relationship that they see is not going in the direction in which they forsee. While you may think the blow up was nothing, clearly, he thinks otherwise and his actions are telling you that you underestimated his intolerance for drama.
Your best bet, I believe, would be to move out on your own so that you both can have a sense of space--something which is important to him and you can't underestimate that or relegate it to unimportance just because it's something you don't want. There are no moves you can make, except for out on your own, which can manipulate him into wanting what he doesn't want or getting back with you--he has to come to that of his own volition. If he doesn't feel it, nothing will get him there. He's not going to realize anything he doesn't choose to. It would be a waste of your energy and time to think along those lines.
Thanks, be easy on me...
Suz
Hi Suz,
I'll go as easy on ya as I can! ;)
The long and short of it is that you could very well spend lots of years of your life uprooting yourself to go to Italy and then uprooting yourself again to go back to Canada.
Thanks so much.
Suz
Suz,
You're absolutely right -- all the issues he has are just that -- HIS issues.
Thanks so much for the support, your great! And yourself?
Suz
**So I guess you think he will never come around right?
In a word, no. ;)
Suz
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