Boyfriend needs space
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Boyfriend needs space
| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:43am |
Hello all I was living with my boyfriend for the past year, although before that we had been together basically 6 years, although we were both young at the time and in school so this was ok. The past year Ive been wanting to progress, Im almost 25 and he just turned 32. I thought the living situation was going ok, we would have the odd argument about me cleaning all the time, me cooking mostly and when I would come home often on late nights around 10, there would be nothing there for me to eat. I admit I overreacted on times because I was tired and this was my mistake. but I dont think these issues should be a reason to break up since there were always resolved and never really serious. Also during this time I had to move to another city to be with him, so I didnt have a lot of friends, I was trying very hard and with a new job as well. I let him go out with his friends whenever he felt he needed it, which was atleast once a week and I also got along very well with all his friends and sometimes we went out with his couple friends. I was finding new friends, but often after a long week when he would go out I would just rather relax by myself on the couch while he went out. Often on weekends when we were both free my boyfriend would get in very strange moods like he needed excessive space and that I was bothering him. He would spend hours in front of the pc and I felt like I was tip toeing aorund the house so I wouldnt get in his way. I tried very hard to make him happy, but I just felt like he needed excessive personal space. But he gave me a lot of mixed signals, one min he would be all over me, laughing with me and being loving and the next he would get very distant and need his space and freedom. We are very comptiable and feel a great connection Id like to say. But anyway I went out of town for s few weeks to visit my family and when I was gone he said he wasnt sure, he just felt like he wanted to be alone and basically he broke up with me. I mean we had a few problems but not something to break up about after basiclly 7 years! We didnt talk for a while, I basically moved out because he said he needed his space more than anything. Went to stay with my family now for the past month and a half, he is starting to come around and says he wants to talk to me but at the same time wants to be alone. He says he loves me and is in love with me and feels a connection with me and doesnt want to start seein other girls because he has no desire and would feel like he is betraying me. He looks at it like a couple who just needs some time apart. But for me it is so much more than that, Im very hurt and feel like I should take this bull. But I dont know, what moves should I make here to get him back, obviously he has serious space and commitment issues. What do you think I should do? Ive basically given up on him but there is a part of me that would like to make him realize.
Thanks@ Sorry its so long...
Thanks@ Sorry its so long...

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It seems to me that what you've found is that you two get along great long distance, but when the relationship becomes "real time" you don't mesh as well as you should. I know you recognize you're making excuses for him, but you continue to have the mindset that he'll one day "get it" and change to be what you want him to be. That's not going to happen, what you're seeing is who he is real time. He's hot and cold wants space, doesn't want commitment. He's irresponsible (mommy pays his bills), doesn't know how to take care of himself and isn't likely to learn (who would with someone else willing to pay for you!). This is who he is; and at the age of 32 he's not going to change. You hold onto the thinking that he'll "get it", but Suz, he's not stupid, he knows what you're unhappy about and what you want, he's fully aware of the problems the two of you have together, it's not that he doesn't get it, it's that it isn't who he is. There is no magic that's going to make him realize that all he has to do is change to make it all better; face facts, what you've seen is who he is. If that doesn't make you happy and satisfied (and it shouldn't) then you need to know that life with him will be exactly as it has been real time with him, be glad you figured it out, be happy for the good times you had, learn from this and move on.
"It was great even to the last night I was there, the weekend before we went to a beautiful beach location and then a romantic perfect dinner the night before I left, kisses and love before I got on the plane... " Wonderful romantic moments and evenings are great, but they pale when taken in the perspective of the whole relationship. They are the "yeah but...", not a compliment to an already great relationship.Lastly, but not least importantly, you have been with this guy since you were 18. You have changed a zillion times over since you were 18 and you still have some changes to come. Why do you think the divorce rate is so astronomically high for those who marry in their teens? Because the person who is right for us when were immature (your brain keeps growing until the age of 25 at least) is not even close to the person who is right for us when we've completed the growing process and are the adults we will become. Just like the guy who was perfect for you at 16 was not even close to right for you at 18 (he probably didn't do anything wrong, he just changed and so did you). The same applies to relationships that were right for us at 18, the chances of the two of you continuing to be right for each other are very slim, and I suspect a big reason it was able to last so long is because much of it was long distance. The other aspect of this is that you've had no adult relationship experiences other than this guy. The fact that despite your lack of experience you recognize this isn't right and doesn't make you happy is a testament to how wrong it really is. Get out there and experience life real time, see some guys, test the waters, get some experience, get some criteria to judge what constitutes good from not so good. Give yourself time, and use your experience here to help you judge what's not acceptable for you in a relationship.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks again for your help its been wonderful, I need it everyday really so I wont talk to him and move on the best I can, with my head up.
Suz
You said, "I hate feeling like we ended this because we werent compatiable, I really feel like he has serious issues with maturity, commitment and not wanting to grow up." But Suz, this is his character, this is his personality. He is not a 15-year old that's going to change, he's a grown man, not at all likely to change; he is who he is. You may feel he's immature and non-committed, but this is who he is. Thinking it's changeable is not an option for you. This is his character, these are not changeable items.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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