boyfriend or friend that is the question
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| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 5:37pm |
Ok here is my problem. I have been pretty serious with this guy for over a year now but he still won't call me his girlfriend. It all started as friends 2 years ago at work. He was in a really bad relationship with this controlling maniuplative girl who was verbally abusive and cheating on him. I helped him through a really bad break up and one night one thing led to another and next thing I know we are spending all our time together. He and I are a perfect match! We like the same things, we have the same sense of humor and we always have a great time. The only problem is that his ex destroyed anything left of his self esteem. He thinks he is a piece of crap and is constantly telling me that he isn't good enought for me. The thing is that he treats me like a princess! I have never met a guy that I was so compatible with and the sex is pretty good too! So as time went by we made an agreement not to sleep with any other people and our parents have even met! We even tell each other I love you but once he gets to close he pushes me aways again. Now over a year later he still states that he isn't ready for me to be his girlfriend. He has even went as far as to tell me that he loves me but he doesn't think he could ever get married. He is 35 and I am ten years younger so most of his guy friends are now married and divorced and most of my friends are just getting married and are happy so it is hard. He came from parents who have been married and divorced several times so he doesn't show much value in marriage. As much as I tell him how great and how wonderful a man he is he just doesn't get it. He also just recently started on Prozac for his depression which has put a damper on his whole libido which isn't helping matters either. I just don't know what to do. I love him very much and knows he loves me but I don't know if this will ever get serious.

When a man tells you that he's not going to get serious, you must believe him.
I can understand that the two of you have great fun together, however, there are a number of red flags I see here too. Even if he wanted to settle down, he's certainly NOT long term relationship material. While you may share a lot of similarities in how you spend time, look at the flip side of his personality:
He stayed in an abusive relationship. He allowed her to treat him how she did. This indicates to me that his self esteem was already at rock bottom before he met her. While her behaviour was terrible, he chose to stay with her.
Not to mention all the baggage he carries, his low self esteem will cause many problems in a marriage. Could I ask if he's doing counselling to address his self esteem and baggage?
A huge problem in your future together would be his lack of positive role models. He does not know what a healthy marriage would look like. When times get tough, he will more than likely copy what his parents did.
Lastly, he doesn't WANT a long term commitment with you.
Take into consideration all these red flags before deciding whether to settle for what you've got or move on.
Personally, I think you deserve more than someone who won't commit to you.
I agree with Aisha 100%. This guy has told you exactly how it is, that you're not his girlfriend and there is no future. You've accepted that thus far, but know that it's not enough for you. You have a choice, stay in a relationship that you know won't change and where there is no future, or move on to find someone who is not only right for you but wants a relationship and a future. There are guys out there who fit that exact description, but as long as you stay with this guy you'll never get the chance to meet them -- you won't be looking, you'll be busy trying to get your guy to change, even though he's told you plainly that it won't.
If you want a relationship and you want a future, you'll need to move on. It won't be easy at first, but it'll be easier than staying. The pain you feel in leaving will lessen and you'll find someone new who is exactly what you want, which will make you very happy. the pain you feel in staying will continue to last as you wish for more than he's willing to give.
There's a saying, "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." This guy is telling you loud and clear. Believe him. You said, "I don't know if this will ever get serious.", but you do know. He's told you. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the way it is. There's another saying, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want". What you've got here is experience. Sorry.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
virgo82981,
This post is going to be hard to hear, but it must be said. Why would he want to make a committment to you, he's already getting all the perks and benefits of a relationship without having to commit so why start now?? He gets companionship, friendship, love, someone to do stuff with and he get's sex. I'm sorry, I just hate seeing women in this position and it erks me to no end how some guy can sleep with a girl but not committ to them.
As for what the ex did, or what the parents have been through, I think all that is just a bunch of excuses. A real man wouldn't let other's dictate how he lives his life. My DH has the ex from he!! and he shares custody of their daughter with (seriously I don't think it could get any worse then her) and he still married me and we're expecting our first. He's old enough to know that not everyone is like the ex or his parents. And, furthermore, if it was so bad for him he should have sought counseling along time ago for it.
If marriage and a committed relationship is what you want this man may not be the one for you. Don't settle though for less then what you want, it will come back as resentment later on. This is all just my opinion though, so take it as you want. :)
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal