boyfriend overnight trip with female

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
boyfriend overnight trip with female
14
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:09am

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 5 mos. we became very serious very quickly. he doesn't have very many friends and one of his closest friends is a female, let's call her, kat.

anyway from the very beginning bf explained that he and kat have been friends, but nothing more, for a year and a half. they enjoy the same things such as camping and theater and stuff. she's a dancer and he explained as she is attractive, jealousy in his past relationships has been an issue. he assured me that nothing has happened nor will happen between him and kat. that they are just good friends.

this relationship has been a problem for me. the friendship i mean. i've met up with them on a couple of occasions and she seems clingy to me. like she depends on him too much. she also has a personality that i just clash with. she and i wouldn't be friends if i met her out in the world. we're 2 different people.

my jealousy has come to the surface a few times. bf has repeatedly explained that he is pursuing me, loves me, that i have nothing to worry about blah blah blah. and i do trust him. i do not believe that he would cheat on me (based on his personal history of an ex cheating on him and how painful it was for him) and if he had feelings for kat i believe he would tell me. i guess maybe i'm insecure about myself as she is more attractive and i'm not trusting of her.

well this week bf informed me that he and kat would probably be going on their annual camping trip again. he said they would hope to get a group together but last year they attempted this and the other members crapped out so he and kat went by themselves. i started to cry and explained that that would be too much for me. that their friendship was hard enough for me but that him overnight by himself with her would be too much. that it wasn't right. he claims he can't understand what my problem is. he doesn't see why this situation isn't right and wants me to explain it to him. i've tried. saying i dont think a man and a woman should spend an overnight trip together. he then started crying, explaining that he'd always had difficulty with friends and always had an easier time with female friends. saying that if he were to give that up, that he'd feel like he were betraying his friend. after i indicated that i felt like i would be compromising myself to an uncomfortable level and that while he should do what he needed to do, if this trip did happen that i woudln't be comfortable in that, he said he'd promise that he'd do his best to make sure it was a group trip but that he couldn't make the promise that if the group didn't work out that he wouldn't cancel the trip. i explained that it hurt me that he knew how hard the situation is for me and that he would choose to go anyway. he started crying again and i basically said that i would compromise myself. i said i would continue with our plan of me moving in with him in a few months even if later in the summer he ended up going on this trip. then i started crying. i feel like i'm compromising myself. but seeing him hurt kills me. and do i want to preemptively end this relationship over this? so i put on a happy face.

tonight he told me that he loves me very much, and that while he woudn't propose while i'm still in law school, that he wants to make me his wife after i graduate.

i'm so confused. am i in the wrong?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:19am
No, you're not in the wrong, but neither is he. You feel he shouldn't be doing these things with an opposite sex friend and he feels it is entirely appropriate. This is something you're going to have to make a decision about. Being in a relationship with him means accepting being with someone who will be doing things with opposite sex friends. If this isn't something you can accept happily (and it doesn't sound like it is) then you'll need to move on to find someone who's beliefs match your own.


It doesn't sound like you're going to be happy accepting what he feels is right to do with his friend and he won't be happy changing what he feels is right because you don't agree. Neither is wrong or right, you're just not compatible in this very important and necessary area.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 9:42am

I agree with cl-2nd_life -- you two are just incompatible in this very important area.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:17pm
Would you invite your male friend to go on an overnight camping trip without your husband?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 12:53pm
I don't think it matters. There are lots of things I would do that somebody else wouldn't and there are lots of things somebody else would do that I wouldnt'. The point is, THIS guy would take his female friend camping. We can sit around and say whether we would or not and whether we think it's right or not, but none of that really matters because HE does think it's right and HE would do it. Since she's dealing with him, his choices are the only ones that count.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:17pm

Not only do I agree with Kimbridy and the CL, I think even hinting at talking about marriage with someone you've only been dating for 5 months is way too early. At this point there's more you don't know about him than there are things you do know. Plus, one thing you do know is there is a very big difference in your beliefs on this very important subject.

I think this is a big sign that marriage talks are off the mark. Don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:27pm

Yep. I would and have gone on overnight trips with men that are not my partners. I used to be part of a running club. We ran relays like Hood to Coast. There were times I was the only female in a group of men. There were times it was many girls and one guy. We also camped, rockclimbed, backcountry skiied and other activitities. It was not at all unsusual for one or two of us to go up a day early, secure a campsite or cabin and have it be "just the two of us" until other folks arrived. There was even one episode where me and one of the guys went up a day early to the cabin, a major storm moved in, we were stuck in 6 feet of snow and noone else could get in. We basically spent five days eating, feeding the fire and watching Ren and Stempy. Oh yeah we also dug a tunnel to the hot tub and used it. (A man and woman in a hot tub and nothing inappropriate? Imagine that!)

Yep, we lost members as some of them got into relationships with ohers that couldn't handle it. Sometimes the new partners came along. Most the time, unless they were into the same activities, they were bored, sometimes, resentful and pouty. Annoying and a damper on the fun really. Some of them saw what the real deal was and never came again and didn't have an issue with it.

But I agree with CL-2nd life. If these are core differences in you guys neither is right or wrong, just different. I think OP's guy has been very honest with her. She really knows where she stands and how it is going to be with him and his friends. So her options are to learn to accept his female friendships without fear and resentment if he is a trustworthy guy or to find someone who has the same belief system about op. sex friendships.

Yes. My partner would be okay with me going camping with one of the guys without him. In my case if he expressed fear about the situation I would invite him along. But I sure as heck would hope he would be a bonus to my trip and not a drain.

I love camping. I once dated a guy whose idea of roughing it was the Ritz Carlton. Should I have given up camping because he didn't like it and who I was going with? Should he have given up the Ritz because I thought it was boring and didn't like his ex-sil who was also a Ritz junky? I don't think so.

It's interesting that we fall in love with people for who they are then we want to change who they are to accomodate our likes and dislikes and insecurities and resentments.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:33pm

Sorry I adressed that other post to you. Didn't mean to.

ITA that 5 months is way to early to be talking marriage. The first year (or even two) of dating are getting to know each others core values. This IS a "big sign that marriage talks are off the mark." as you pointed out.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 3:26pm

Yes, I would.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 4:19pm
For me, the situation just wouldn't work. Like you, I couldn't deal with it. Can you not go on the camping trip? Just curious why you can't also go along?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:00am
You have to be true to yourself. If this is something you have such a hard time with now, can you imagine how you're going to feel after marriage - and your husband is still going on these trips with his female friend. You really have to make the decision whether this is something you're going to be able to handle. I have actually gone on skiing trips with male friends and my then fiance (now my husband) trusted me enough to let me go and that is a great feeling knowing that you have someone that trusts you that much. So I am sure that's important to your BF. But be fair to yourself and don't settle for anything that you aren't totally comfortable with.

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