boyfriend troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
boyfriend troubles
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 4:09pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for only two months and everything has been great until one weekend that I went back home from school. My boyfriend called me everyday but on the sunday that I got back I didn't get a call, which was a little surprising. So I called him and asked to see him and he said he was tired b/c he was out of town all weekend as well. He said he would call me back but he never did. Then days go by and I call him everyday and I can't get in touch with him. I talked to his friends and they said that they saw him out a few nights. Finally I got in touch with him on Thursday and we had a huge talk. He explained to me that he's just been really tired lately and that he just got out of a two year relationship and he'sjust been trying to do his own thing this week. I thought he was going to break up with me but in the end he said he didn't want to. So we worked things out and everything pretty much returned to normal but, that following weekend on Saturday, we go out to a club with all our friends. We're sitting outside the club and this girl comes and sits on my boyfriends lap. He tells her to get up a few times and she does. Then he introduces me to her. It's his ex. They're best friends as well. She asks what my name was and then she says "oh, so how do you know ryan? (my b/f)"...At this point, I'm a little confused to why she doesn't know about me, and I know so much about her. I tell her i'm ryan's boyfriend and she goes "oh, well don't get offended when you see me sitting on his lap or hugging him, we're just cool like that, we go way back, I was his first love and he was mine..." She went on and on and I felt so uncomfortable. I guess I was being a little jealous, but I just felt like she was laying the rules down and letting me know "this is how it is when i'm with ryan and don't change that. The rest of the night I was on the other side of the club by myself and he was on the other side sitting on her lap, having all this fun with her. So finally he came up to me and was like "what's up" and I told him that I felt uncomfotable that she was all over him. HE completely lashed out and was like "no, i'm not dealing with this, her and I go way back and I have a right to talk to her". I said "i understand, but I wish you would include me, why am I on one side of the room while you are on the other with arms around her?" He just walked away and went back to her. That was on saturday and now it is tuesday and he still hasn't called. I just dont' understand what happened recently he's always been so good to me and I was beginning to fall for him, but then this happened. I just want to talk to him but I don't know what to say. Everybody want's me to break up with him because of what happened, but I don't think i should. I just don't what to say if he calls or if I call him. Sorry this was such a long message...I need help fast!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 4:40pm
I am not sure why you want to stay for with him when you two have only invested two months together. I think by him saying that he just got out of a two year relationships, he was trying to express to you that he doesn't want a serious, boyfriend and girlfriend relationship right now. Reading what you wrote, i think you are looking for more than he is. He obviously is not making you happy, so I suggest that you find somone new. Treating you that way and letting another girl hang all over him, friends or not, and ignoring you is not right. I get upset when i am ignored even with other friends around, let alone and ex! I would freak out. I have a friend who girlfriend and him have been together for 2 years. THey have broken up on and off for about 3 days at a time, but after about 1 year dating, one of his friends told him that he had slept with his gf at a party. Of course at first my guy friend didnt believe it and when he asked his gf she got very defensive and denyed it over and over again although several people at the party had witnessed her all over him and the two of them walk upstairs together. now it has been two years and this girl still has my friend wrapped around her finger and continues to cheat on him, ask him to take her out all the time at his expense, and call him about 20 times a day getting angry if he is with any girls (even me, and I am married to his brother!). I guess the only reason I told you this is because it is not worth it to stay in a hurtful relationship no matter what the amount of time is that you have invested in it. It brings your feelings about yourself down and you will find yourself stuck in this relationship that you want out of, but are afraid to leave because you just don't want to be alone, or you think it will get better, or whatever. I have been there, done that. I thought I was going to marry the guy i lost my virginity to. he was great and made me so happy, until he cheated on me (at least i heard from a friend). He still will not admit to it. But now that i am married, so many people have told me he cheated on me all the time. I was so devastated, and i HATE being alone. I have not been w/o a bf for more than a month since i was 14. I finally just broke down and decided that I am okay by myself. I wirked, and went to church, focused on school, read books, planted a garden, and did anythign to keep busy. Six months later, I met what would become my future husband. I know it gets old hearing that there are more fish in the sea. Maybe your sea seems to be empty, but that is no reason to stay in a relationship when someone is hurting you. As far as what to stay to him..... it seems that you are th one calling, and chasing him. How about you change roles? Dont call him either. Act like you are okay and don't let him see you sad or crying. It sounds sick, but a LOT of people like to know that someone is crying over them and it makes them feel good and like they have control over you. I'd suggest forgetting about it and hanging out with some new friends. But of course.. it is all up to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 1:38am
I see a couple of things on both your parts.

While I don't think daily contact is necessary in a relationship, nor do I think it's healthy; if the two of you have a relationship that's already set a standard of daily calls, to have stopped cold was rude, inconsiderate and uncaring. If he wanted time out to see the boys or whatever, someone who was cared about your feelings would have called you and let you know. He has to know by stopping cold you're going to wonder what's going on and be concerned and confused. To recognize this will happen and do it anyway says volumes about his character and ethics and how he treats his fellow man, never mind someone he's supposed to care about! You may choose to stay with him, but you do so knowing full well how little he considers you and that he'll certainly treat you with such little disregard again and again. Staying means you accept this behavior and this treatment.

The fact that his ex didn't know anything about you isn't a great sign either. If she's someone he's close to and talks to frequently, you have to recognize what it means that he hasn't mentioned you to her. Add that to the way he treated you and the picture should be getting pretty clear.

Now, you're at a club, he's with his friend and you're angry. You march across the room and wait for him to come retrieve you? Running away to pout, waiting for him to come and beg you to come back is childish. If you don't like how he's treating you, leave, period. If you want to get to know his friend, stay and make an effort, but going across the room to be angry won't do you any good. It makes you look silly to his friend (not how you want to appear), embarasses him and does NOT make him admit to knowing who you are, let alone come get you! It's a game and games don't work, they only confuse the situation.

He's dropped you like a rock, not mentioned you to an important friend, ignored you in a social situation and now has dropped you again. What more do you need to know? Why would you accept this kind of treatment from anyone? Would you let someone you didn't like treat you like this? Of course not! You'd tell them off and never give them an opportunity to do it again. Why would you do any different now? Stand up for yourself, have some dignity and walk away from this loser who obviously only keeps you around when it's convenient for him. He's telling you loud and clear he doesn't care about you and that he's going to continue to treat you badly. You're giving him permission to do it.

Some other board sites that you may find helpful: (this one's put out by Planned Parenthood, but don't let that stop you, it's the best for info on relationships, parent, and has plenty of advice boards too.


"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:06am
i might sound rude but he obviously wants to be with her and not you so i'd move on and let that dumbass crawl back to you and when he does you will probably be over him and he will regret being so stupid. remember there is one person for everyone. you dont need to be someones second best when you could be the world to another and trust me thats the best feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 6:22am
There doesn't seem to be anything here to "break up." It seems to me that for the past 2 months you two have not done anything much more than "dating" and I don't see any sign of a "relationship" forming between you.

It's clear from your post that you had other ideas about what this new romance was going to turn into. However, you're going to have get realistic about this and accept the fact that he doesn't want a serious or exclusive relationship right now, even if you do.

Beyond that, you also have to consider whether you actually WANT a relationship with someone who would be so rude and thoughtless as to let you walk away while he stayed with his "old pal." He's right that he can talk to whomever he wishes. What was rude and thoughtless was that you and he were together (I assume) that night, and he owed you his attention. His behavior screams immaturity to me, so besides everything else, he isn't READY to be a real "boyfriend."

See this for what it is and don't waste any more time or energy on it. If he calls and you want to go out on a "date" with him, go ahead. Just keep it casual and don't get your hopes up. He can be a good time and fun to hang out with, but nothing more. If you think you're "falling" for him - RUN.

Lee M.