Boyfriend's parents (diff values)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2012
Boyfriend's parents (diff values)
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 2:27pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. We are very close and have lived together for a little under the past year.

However, I can't seem to get past the issues I have with his parents. His parents have 3 children (including my boyfriend) and do drugs, deal drugs, and steal, among other things.. I can't get past the fact that they have raised their children in such a bad environment. My boyfriend has never done any of these things, and agrees with me in that they are wrong. We have gotten in many fights over his parents, because I just don't feel comfortable around them or being in their house. Fights about his parents always seem to come up, and although my boyfriend thinks how they behave is inappropriate, he often defends them and makes excuses for them. I understand that he is going to feel like he has to defend them because they're his family - but this can get annoying especially when I get so angry that he (and his siblings) have had to live through a tough childhood.

I love him so much but I don't think I can ever get past the issues I have with his parents.. He has already said it is ok that I don't visit his parents much, but his family is obviously always going to be a part of his life. This is in the future, but if we had kids together, I wouldn't want them around his parents.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 3:33pm

I think this is something that you have to be clear about if you are thinking about getting married & having kids--you need to discuss when, if ever, your kids would be allowed to visit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 12:07am
I'm sorry you have to go through that situation, I know it's difficult and I know you tell yourself that your boyfriend's family is not your boyfriend and that you can love one even though you don't love the others.
I was married to a man who's father was physically abusive to his mother. I felt sorry for my then boyfriend for growing up in such an environment, as do you.
He ended up being abusive too, the signs were there, I just didn't know were to look or maybe I chose not to see them.
We eventually got divorced, and I am free from him, but my children are not. What's worse is that after the divorce I don't go with them anymore when they visit family with their father, and he's closer to his family now, even though he agreed with me when we were together now they get along very well because they didn't like me either.
My point is, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I wouldn't bet my future in finding one of them.