Boyfriend's problematic "collection"
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| Fri, 08-11-2006 - 11:23am |
I apologize in advance for what is likely to be a fairly long post, but this is something I desperately need to get off my chest and hopefully find some insight so I can deal and move on.
I've been dating my boyfriend, K, for close to a year now, and we recently moved in together (about 6 weeks ago). It's the first time I've ever lived with a guy -- I didn't even have brothers growing up -- so this is my first really in depth introduction to the male mind. He's lived with one girlfriend in the past, but just for a few months.
For the most part, the transition has been fairly easy - we have similar tastes, values, lifestyles. No fighting about dirty dishes or wet towels on the floor -- we're both much too tidy for that!
However, one issue has been coming up repeatedly that has caused a fair bit of tension. Fortunately we're very good about keeping the lines of communication open and we're usually able to talk out any conflicts. But this one continues to show up, and since I've never lived with a guy before, I don't know how much of it is my needing to "chill" and adjust and how much is a real problem he needs to deal with.
The issue? Pictures of naked women. Prior to our relationship, K hadn't been in a long term relationship for about 7 years, and I'm grateful that he wasn't the type to fill those years with bed hopping. Instead, though, he developed what he has termed a "bad habit" of looking at and collecting photos of naked women on his computer.
He has a subscription to Playboy's Cyber Club and (in my opinion) quite a storehouse of photos on his computer, some which has also been built up from previous subscriptions to other websites. He says he's cancelled those subscriptions, and I believe him. He was finally willing to delete a bunch of stuff off one of his drives one afternoon last month after a particularly emotional conversation, but there are still a lot of photos and videos sitting on his C and D drives.
K has admitted a number of times that he's always known it was a problem he'd developed, and that the only way he'd ever be able to correct it was with the help of a solid partner. We both know I am that partner, as we've talked seriously about getting married next year.
He agreed that he needed to wean himself off of looking at this stuff so regularly, and it seemed to be working for awhile - I think he was only looking once or twice a week. Absolutely I can live with that! I'm not a prude. He's a healthy man in his mid 30's who has a biological drive to look at young, beautiful women in the buff. I'm not trying to take that away from him altogether - it would be both completely unrealistic and mean on my part!
But I'm certain he's back to checking it pretty regularly lately, sometimes every day, occasionally twice a day... and saving his "favourites" to his computer.
Is it normal to check it that often? As I said, I've never lived around guys (other than my father, and you can be certain he was very careful not to expose his 2 daughters to any of this stuff!). I also grew up with a particularly religious mother, and while my dad didn't share her religious views, he did respect her beliefs - so no subscription to Playboy or the like.
K still says periodically that he knows he's got a bad habit, but that it's really ingrained now. He seems unable/unwilling to decrease his "collection" any further, and I have occasionally noticed addictive language (i.e. you're just insecure, it's just a hobby, etc). He says that this is normal and healthy and I'm just not used to it because of my upbringing.
We're not *fighting* about this, but it's making me feel pretty hurt, which is bringing on some emotionally charged conversations. It's not an insecurity issue: I know he's attracted to me, that he loves me, he would never cheat on me, and our sex life is fairly good -- certainly some room for improvement, but we've talked about it a number of times (yes, foreplay *is* important!!) and it has started to get better and more frequent.
So, I need a reality check. Why does this bother me so much? Is a "collection" like his a normal thing? Is checking this sort of material that often a typical guy thing? Do you have any suggestions on how we can come to some sort of resolution?
He knows I've decided to turn messages boards like this one for feedback, and he encouraged it. He knows I need someone to talk to about what's going on and I definitely don't want my friends or my sister to know about what's happening in our personal life. I can't afford to go to a counsellor, nor do I know if that's necessary yet.
But I need to get this stuff off my chest and get some unbiased feedback. Holding in negative emotions is very destructive for me and I'm tired of feeling sad so often. The relationship is, with the exception of this one issue, extremely good and I don't want to damage it. I want to sort this out so K and I can move on and build a life together.
Your thoughts and advice are sincerely appreciated. Thanks for reading.
B.
Edited 8/11/2006 6:19 pm ET by bcbeamer

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Thank you, geoteo - it means a lot to know it's not all about my upbringing and a lack of males in my life... I was beginning to believe he was right.
I'm not trying to "take away his masturbation privileges" as he's said a couple of times. I understand that need and I need it myself - but I don't think it needs to be done with visual aids every time... the mind is a powerful thing.
To be perfectly honest, I have no problem bringing erotic material into our home... but I would prefer it to be something that we both enjoy and do together *once in awhile* to spice up our sex life.
Lots to think about and hopefully we can sort everything out long before I'm forced to make a really difficult decision. I cannot enter a marriage expecting and hoping things will change.
Edited 8/11/2006 3:24 pm ET by bcbeamer
>>To be perfectly honest, I have no problem bringing erotic material into our home... but I would prefer it to be something that we both enjoy and do together *once in awhile* to spice up our sex life.<<
IF he is an addict you will NEVER be able to do that. It would be akin to an alcoholic having a social drink. They can't drink AT ALL. And P addicts can't EVER look at or use P.
Jen
As other posters have said, your boyfriend is addicted to the stuff.
I think it's a HUGE RED FLAG that he says that he needs a partner to help him change his ways. This is how he gets out of taking responsibility for himself. He'll give you the job of fixing him. Then, when you fail to change his ways, it's not his fault..it's your fault. He's passing the buck.
Couples therapy is not in order. He needs to see a therapist who specializes in treating this kind of addiction. It's not your problem. You are not overeacting.
My BF got home earlier this afternoon and we've spent a fair bit of time talking about the situation. He admits there is a problem, that it's not my problem, that he can't have both a healthy relationship and his "hobby" at the same time, and he deeply wants to fix things. I asked him to read this entire thread with me, and he did so very willingly.
We're going to find something else for him to focus his energy on when he starts feeling that urge to log into Playboy's site, and he's begun to research the psychology of addiction. A site on that subject has now replaced the Playboy Cyber Club link in his browser favourites. He wants to understand more about why he has these urges, in order to learn how to counter them.
Jen's H - my BF would like to know how you began to control your addiction, if you still have problems and what has worked for you. I'm also going to start asking some questions over at the Families Damaged by Pornography board to find out how we can work towards a solution.
And Jen, you're absolutely right - that sort of material can't come into our home at all, not even once in awhile.
So, one day at a time, I guess. I'm feeling more positive about things than I have in a long time, and we'll see what happens. But I've made it abundantly clear that I *am* prepared to walk away if things don't change. It would be terribly painful, but I would do it. I just hope things heal before that ever becomes a reality.
Thanks all for your words of support and advice. We're going to plug away at it and hopefully be on the road to recovery sooner than later!
>>Jen's H - my BF would like to know how you began to control your addiction, if you still have problems and what has worked for you. I'm also going to start asking some questions over at the Families Damaged by Pornography board to find out how we can work towards a solution.<<
My DW will drop you an email with the links to some other sites that have good resources. We think it is against Ivillage policy to give the links here.
I have been sober for 91 days. Like many addicts, I had to "hit bottom" before I was ready to admit there was a problem. For me that meant going into severe depression.
One important thing to realize is that an addiction, by definition, is beyond your control. I go to a 12-step meeting each week, and I am working the 12 Steps with a sponsor. The first of the 12 Steps is to admit that you are powerless over the addiction. Ironically enough, it is admitting that you cannot control it, that gets you started on the path to regaining control over your life. I have been told that addiction to sex, or to porn, is tougher to recover from than an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
So to answer your questions--yes, things are much better now. I understand my addiction, why I am susceptible to this addiction, and I have a great support network to help me beat it. My DW keeps me accountable by checking my Internet History. I don't go online when I am alone, especially at night or early in the morning. I have a list of people I can call when I feel the "urge" hit me--other people in my 12 Step group who have been there and done that. I am active in an online forum of other people who are trying to overcome. I am going to therapy to work on the issues in my family of origin and my past that have contributed to my addiction.
One thing that is hard to realize, is that "half measures avail us nothing." That is an AA maxim that applies equally well to sexual addiction. You can't hope to keep a little hold on porn in your life. You have to give it up entirely. That can be hard--for me it was like losing an old friend--the source of comfort I could always turn to when I was stressed, lonely, bored, angry, etc. But that source of comfort was itself starting to make my life unmanageable--I was spending more and more time on it, the lies were starting to overwhelm me, and my family life was falling apart. I was close to escalation on my behaviors as well. I was fortunate that my wife discovered the problem at the very moment when I was at my lowest, and ready to change.
I hope that you can avoid that--that you can hit a "high bottom." Try to swallow your pride, and realize that this is not something you can control, or that you can "get better" and then make use of porn ever again.
There is a great deal more I can tell you. But this is good for starters.
F
Jen, I would really appreciate those links if you could email them.
Jen's H - thank you for the feedback... I've passed it on to my BF. He took a gigantic step last night by saying he didn't even want to go near our office while I was having my evening bubble bath, in order to avoid any sort of temptation. And he stuck to that. I can feel my trust starting to rebuild slowly, much to my relief.
Thanks all for your responses. It helped to open up the conversation fully between my BF and I and I think we're finally on the right path now. LONG way to go, but right direction.
Very best wishes,
B.
Your boyfriend recognizes that porn is a problem for him. That being said, there is no "weaning" and there is not "once in a while". Think of porn addiction like alcohol addiction, alcoholics can't wean themselves off booze and there's no having drinks just once in a while. Addicts are addicts whether you're talking about alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, gambling, or anything else. If your boyfriend knows he has a "problem" there's no going back and amending that to "backing off". If he's having trouble stopping cold turkey, he has a problem, and clearly, if he couldn't delete it all, he can't stop cold turkey. Also recognized by the fact that he checks it twice a day. In short, your boyfriend is addicted to porn.
The next huge red flag is the statement that he needs the help of a good partner to end this. This is not your problem or anyone else's. This is his problem and his alone to solve. You can do absolutely nothing to help him.
Your boyfriend is making excuses for himself, for his problem and showing his desire (not) to really resolve this. In other words, he's throwing you a bone, by "showing you" he's willing to end it by deleting some and supposedly ending his subscriptions. But he's kept plenty and checks frequently. In his mind, he's shown you his intent and willingness to end this by making those moves, but he's kept a stash for himself. This is very, very common with addicts.
Sweetie, I know it's not what you want to hear, but I would really urge you to move out and take a few steps away from this guy. Life with an active addict is not a life anyone should have. Please know that his words are not sincere. If he wanted to end his addiction he would have gotten help himself without your discovery. He would want to stop it for himself, not because you're there. That's not the case. Some information you should have:
What Is a Sexual Addiction?Six Kinds of Sex Addicts >
Is My Partner a Sex Addict?
Are You a Sex Addict?
Options of the Partner of a Sex Addict
Please also visit the Families Damaged by Pornography board
I know this is so not what you want to hear, but I strongly urge you to move on from this relationship. There is nothing but heartache pain and dysfunction for you here.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you might want to consider moving back out until he does get that problem under control--because it's not going to get any better if he's saying things like "I need a partner to help me get over this..." because he's making it your fault if he fails.
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