Breaking Up and Bad Conflict Resolution
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:37pm |
At least for the moment, yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. I need feedback about this. I also need to share this. I'm so lonely already I could scream. I am in my mid-forties and he is mid-fifties.
We went out for 1.5 years, and it has been rocky. The most difficult thing has been dealing with conflict.
On Thursday, my youngest child was the issue. She and her sister share a room but she is very fearful. Really she does have a problem, at 8, sleeping alone or without TV. I have been trying to address a lot of problems with her behavior, but this one has not been actively worked on. My boyfriend saw trouble coming since on this night she would not have her sister overnight (her sister was away for a few nights). On a previous night like this, she and I had slept in the living room, each on a couch, to ease her fears. He told me early in the day that he would not stay the night. He did not want to have to witness her getting scared and knocking on our door for attention, and he hated the way I tried to reassure her. I tried to tell him I would talk with her and try to address it in a more decisive way, and I hoped he would stay and help.
He got terribly angry and full of himself, accusing me of not dealing well with the issue (partly true), telling me that he was going to make me take care of it once and for all, and that no child would ever do this to him. He went on and on, over and over, about he had given me the chance to take care of it in the past but I wouldn't do it, and how it was affecting his life (he has only experienced her knocking on two occasions) and he wouldn't stand for it. He went on and on. I asked him to stop and assured him I would try, and the tears were running down my cheeks. And he continued to say that he had to teach me this because I couldn't learn it on my own. I told him please not to beat a person who was already beat up. I almost asked him to leave but stopped short. That night he left as he planned.
I did work on the sleeping issue, and she slept alone with no fight. When I told him Friday morning matter-of-factly, not defiantly, he didn't say, "Hey, that's great, I'm happy for you," or anything like that. He said, "You never would have done anything if I had not made you do it."
On Friday, I was late going down to see him. It was going to be 8:30-8:45p when I got there. When I told him this, he told me, "We need to be adult about this and not see each other so late." When I told him I wanted to come be with him even if we just slept most of it, he got angry. I had to get off the phone and he told me to call him. Please understand that I have driven down late many times and just spent the night.
I admit that I didn't call him back. I was home for 30 minutes when he called me and asked where I was. I just leveled with him. I had not called because I felt a little hurt and just needed a few minutes to myself. He was pissed as heck, saying I was punishing him for not wanting me to come down (partially true I admit), that this was an example of why my former relationships must have failed. (I have no idea where that came from.) He said, "Didn't you think of asking me if I wanted you to come down?" (This was a shock because I always come down and have been told it was "my place too!") He said I didn't care if he did not get a good night's sleep. (He didn't have to be at work until 9 a.m. and it is a 5min drive. It has not been an issue in the past.) He finally calmed down and stayed up until 11:00 p.m. talking to me. I didn't remind him that I could have been drinking a glass of wine and spending time right next to him. I kept the peace.
On Saturday, I entertained his daughter, who had come into town for the weekend, him, and some others of his and my family. He came up after work and left after dinner. I really pulled all of the stops for this evening, and it was a hit. He congratulated me for pulling it off so well without him.
Yesterday, his foot hurt and he needed to go to work at 9:00 this morning for a short meeting (it is one hour from here). He didn't feel like driving up and seeing me.
The long and the short of it is that I feel I am at the mercy of his whimsy to see me and his intense anger episodes. Am I wrong in feeling this way? On Friday, all I did to deserve a one-hour fit was to not call him for 30 minutes after I arrived home.
Please give me feedback.
I did break up with him last night, just saying two lines on Yahoo Instant Messenger. I know that is cruel, but he did not call me or argue. I'm pretty sure he's as sick of constant drama as I am. He called this morning to find out whether he should cancel an engagement that we had this week or whether I wanted to do it. We were very calm and businesslike.
Am I being unreasonable here?
I am pretty upset tonight and not feeling strong. I really put all that I had into this relationship, and I feel hurt, angry, and disappointed.
--recreating myself

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I'm so sorry you are crying through the day; goodness knows I know what that is like. I'm an emotional person as well, and I'm definitely guilty of feeling very needy from time to time. This is something I am working on myself, so perhaps there is a bit of projecting going on here on my part.
However. OK. I just read your other post, "Am I being too Hard on Him."
Wow, there was a LOT going on here, for each of you. He may have some trauma (understandable) and if you want to be with him, you'd just have to be very sensitive to and patient with that. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship. He swore up and down he was "available" to you and was in constant communication with you because he wanted to be. He was physically there with you, emotionally there with you, and although he said some unwise things, it seems to me that everything was on the level.
Sounds like things have soured lately, perhaps you are asking more of him than he is capable of giving and he's freaked out by how complex your life is right now. Have you discussed this with him? It's possible that all he wanted was a pleasant relationship with a smart, interesting, attractive woman (you) but things are getting to be too difficult for him to deal with. In which case, maybe he isn't right for you?
Maybe you and he just need a break from the relationship to take time and put each of your lives into perspective. This could be entirely about timing.
I'm no analyst, but it sounds to me like your full efforts should go into the job search, treating your depression and spending time with your girls, who might be reacting to the changes they've seen lately.
I would still question if he's right for you. However there is definitely a dark side to every relationship and it seems you've been there since your layoff.
As far as making friends, there are probably clubs and groups in your area that you can join. Who knows, as things improve for you, you might even meet someone through your new acquaintances whose baggage (not to mention intimate fantasy life) is more comfortable for you.
Edited 10/31/2006 4:14 pm ET by straightshooter2006
Can I ask you something? If he told you that he would either beat your daughter then lock her in a closet, or lock her outside of the house all night if she became scared that night and knocked on your door, would you be asking yourself what you could do to not make him so mad?
I see why the child has terror when alone in a dark room!!!! Her mommy is letting a 'monster' control her actions; she probably feels safer with her sister there, as she feels protected somewhat from the 'monster' mommy let into the house.
My dear, you cannot be so desperate for male affection/attention that you would consider anything that would cause your child irreparable psychological harm. He needs to stay gone, as he's a menace to your baby.
I am really not trying to hurt you or be critical, and I hope you won't take what I'm saying as such. Based on what you've said about him and about your situation, it strikes me that you may feel a little needy, he may fill a void for you. I say that because you are a capable, intelligent woman (it comes through clearly in your posts) but have had some hard times lately. It may feel good enough to be with him that it's worth it to you to ignore or overlook the unacceptable behaviors and demands in order to continue with him; it's the price you pay to have him. When we're needy, we accept relationships that aren't acceptable. However, it also seems that it's become less and less tolerable for you, and I suspect you don't like compromising yourself or your children for this pompous, demanding guy, even if he is great much of the time. What you need to know is that there are a million guys out there that have all the good qualities he has, without having the unacceptable, abusive, dysfunctional qualities. Hanging on for the good doesn't make sense, when his good is a "dime a dozen" without the bad baggage that comes attached with him.
Recreating, I don't know your situation, but I suspect my past may be somewhat similar to yours. I was a SAHM for eight years before ending my marriage and beginning life as a single mom. I did the date thing and made some bad choices, dated and stayed with some guys that sound similar to this guy, what was great was great, but there were mindsets, beliefs and demands that were not acceptable to me. And yet, I stayed; it was so refreshing to be with a guy who wanted to be with me and who was great to me! Not only had I not had that for years, but I hadn't expected to have it upon ending my marriage.
Ending this and moving on I'm sure is hard, but it is the right thing to do, and good will come of it -- good that can't come if you stay. This relationship is a stepping stone in your journey, you'll continue to grow and learn, and have better, gratifying, fulfilling, equal relationships as a result of what you learn from those that weren't what they should have been.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you so much to everyone who replied. I have been rereading every single message.
I talked to my boyfriend and asked him to go to couples counseling. I went to a counselor this morning. She said what he said was inappropriate, but maybe he starts feeling helpless and hurt and starts lashing out. All I know is that these fights hurt me badly. I am very tender afterwards.
I don't know whether my boyfriend will go to counseling or not. He feels I had no reason to break up and he feels I am terribly unfair to him. He feels there is something wrong with me that I get hurt too easily. He admits to speaking to me inappropriately. But he said that he got good results on Thursday because I addressed the problem with my daughter. That sucks.
I do get cranky and hurt when he is available but he does not spend time with me. This is my part of the problem. I broke it off after he had had these horrible scenes with me and then he didn't want to come up and see me. It seemed like the last straw.
I don't know what I think or feel about all of this. I'm trying hard to figure it out.
He agrees that we should take some time off from this relationship.
And he feels that in calling him up after breaking off communication, I am playing with him.
I am just crying my eyes out over this, I admit. I guess I'll go try to get it together and get something done. I have an interview today and Friday and I need to prepare.
--recreating
Dear quenek,
I would never allow my boyfriend to influence me in any way to hurt my daughters. It is just a question of whether I allow them to sleep outside their rooms or with the television on or off, and whether they are allowed to come see me in the night. I am lenient on these issues, generally, which makes it harder to change habits. I do not want them to be punished for being afraid. But I also feel they should sleep, and preferably in their own room without awakening anyone else in the household.
My boyfriend and I agree on the end result, but you are right: his way of forcing the issue is inconsiderate and nasty, not to mention overbearing (did I say nasty?)! Luckily, he never actually deals with the kids' discipline and has *never* discussed any aspect of parenting or behavior in front of them.
He has pushed the envelope and is trying to dictate. We have to address this issue before moving on, that is for sure. :(
Thank you for writing. I want to hear it all, even if it is not flattering to me. I am pretty lost, striving for clarity.
--recreating
Good luck with your interview on Friday!! Try to spend some peaceful time until then, and try hard not to obsess about the boyfriend. Do yoga, take your kids to the park so they can play, decide what you're going to wear on your interview and make sure you feel like you look stunning.
I honestly think, after reading all of this, that now is NOT the time to be in a relationship.
It seems to me like you are placing WAY too much importance on this boyfriend.
You are handing him authority and responsibility that he has not earned.
You are giving yourself away.
I think it is fine if he's free but still can't see you. He has a life too. This idea of you waiting around for him to be available so you can feel either fulfilled or devastated, contingent upon what he decides to do with his time, seems like the wrong approach to any relationship.
He has a life, he needs downtime to himself, and so do you. You have too many important things to do for yourself and for your family to be caught up in him.
Be there for yourself the way he is there for himself.
Get whole, get solid, then try to see this boyfriend for who he is. If, after you've had some peace in your heart and mind, he turns out to be earning your love, then give it to him. But I think at this stage you need to save all that love for yourself and your family.
I didn't express my views about his time away from me accurately. Sorry! He spends several nights per week away from me. However, on Friday we were planning to see each other, and when I was late, he called it off. On both Friday and Saturday night, he told me he would come over on Sunday night. I had my heart set on it. On Sunday, when he cancelled it hurt... badly. After all of the bickering, and then some good family time (we really all did have a good time Saturday night), I had really wanted to see him and spend some good time, just the two of us, together.
I am fine with him spending time on his own stuff. I just don't like it when we schedule something and he doesn't see me. Sometimes he has good reasons (like on Sunday--I was definitely just acting on the buildup, and not the event). Sometimes he doesn't.
I hate to sound pitiful, but until this garbage came up last week, we were in a committed, close relationship where we shared our lives and our decisions. I have his family gatherings at *my* house. This is a huge loss for me. I'll get over it eventually, and yes, I am trying to refocus.
--recreating
I definitely find myself putting others before myself too. It is a good and bad trait that comes from my upbringing. My parents are very giving and people sometimes take advantage of their generosity.
I really appreciate your input on this. We will see what the future brings.
--recreating
Based on this thread and your previous post, he's dismissive, demanding, self centered, and beyond that, he apparently sees you as much less than an equal as he treats you the same. He is inappropriate, uncaring and insensitive in discussing the sex life he had with his wife, he changes plans without concern for you, then acts as though you're "too sensitive" in being hurt by the same. He demands you handle your child's fear differently and his primary concern in that is that it disrupts his life. Recreating, I'm sure there is plenty of good in this man and in your relationship, but the bad that is there is very, very bad; it looks very much like he sees you as being of lower status than he (I suspect in his eyes men are *better* than women), he seems to feel entitled to do whatever he chooses without regard to you or your feelings. Whatever he wants or chooses is right and acceptable. If you don't like it, you're wrong, you're over sensitive, etc. And if you make a decision then change your mind, you're "playing him". He's right, you are not. what you've described in his behavior is more than suggestive of a controlling man; it's suggestive of an abusive personality. I'm not saying he's going to being beating you up, but I think you're already being beat up emotionally, perhaps not with negative comments, but with his actions, his attitude, his uncaring behavior, his insensitivity, his inability to see your wants, needs, or feelings as important - not when it matters anyway. His beliefs will not change, nor will the importance he places on you and your feelings, needs, etc. Seeing a therapist with someone like this would be ill advised it would make your situation worse. Here's an informational post that explains why this is the case:
"Regular" vs. DV Counseling
I know you're hurting, but I can't get over feeling that with this man you're grasping for something that's not there. You want your feelings to be cared for, you want to matter, you want to be an equal, considered, and even though he doesn't give you those things, you keep hanging on, as though you feel driven to try and get those things from him. That's how it seems.
Can I ask about your previous marriage? What kind of relationship was it, what kind of man was your husband? How long were you married?
Recreating, you deserve so much more than this man is capable of giving you. You deserve some basic tenderness and consideration that is not there. You deserve to be treated as though you are as important to him as he is to you, and that is not happening, not at all.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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