Breaking Up and Bad Conflict Resolution
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:37pm |
At least for the moment, yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. I need feedback about this. I also need to share this. I'm so lonely already I could scream. I am in my mid-forties and he is mid-fifties.
We went out for 1.5 years, and it has been rocky. The most difficult thing has been dealing with conflict.
On Thursday, my youngest child was the issue. She and her sister share a room but she is very fearful. Really she does have a problem, at 8, sleeping alone or without TV. I have been trying to address a lot of problems with her behavior, but this one has not been actively worked on. My boyfriend saw trouble coming since on this night she would not have her sister overnight (her sister was away for a few nights). On a previous night like this, she and I had slept in the living room, each on a couch, to ease her fears. He told me early in the day that he would not stay the night. He did not want to have to witness her getting scared and knocking on our door for attention, and he hated the way I tried to reassure her. I tried to tell him I would talk with her and try to address it in a more decisive way, and I hoped he would stay and help.
He got terribly angry and full of himself, accusing me of not dealing well with the issue (partly true), telling me that he was going to make me take care of it once and for all, and that no child would ever do this to him. He went on and on, over and over, about he had given me the chance to take care of it in the past but I wouldn't do it, and how it was affecting his life (he has only experienced her knocking on two occasions) and he wouldn't stand for it. He went on and on. I asked him to stop and assured him I would try, and the tears were running down my cheeks. And he continued to say that he had to teach me this because I couldn't learn it on my own. I told him please not to beat a person who was already beat up. I almost asked him to leave but stopped short. That night he left as he planned.
I did work on the sleeping issue, and she slept alone with no fight. When I told him Friday morning matter-of-factly, not defiantly, he didn't say, "Hey, that's great, I'm happy for you," or anything like that. He said, "You never would have done anything if I had not made you do it."
On Friday, I was late going down to see him. It was going to be 8:30-8:45p when I got there. When I told him this, he told me, "We need to be adult about this and not see each other so late." When I told him I wanted to come be with him even if we just slept most of it, he got angry. I had to get off the phone and he told me to call him. Please understand that I have driven down late many times and just spent the night.
I admit that I didn't call him back. I was home for 30 minutes when he called me and asked where I was. I just leveled with him. I had not called because I felt a little hurt and just needed a few minutes to myself. He was pissed as heck, saying I was punishing him for not wanting me to come down (partially true I admit), that this was an example of why my former relationships must have failed. (I have no idea where that came from.) He said, "Didn't you think of asking me if I wanted you to come down?" (This was a shock because I always come down and have been told it was "my place too!") He said I didn't care if he did not get a good night's sleep. (He didn't have to be at work until 9 a.m. and it is a 5min drive. It has not been an issue in the past.) He finally calmed down and stayed up until 11:00 p.m. talking to me. I didn't remind him that I could have been drinking a glass of wine and spending time right next to him. I kept the peace.
On Saturday, I entertained his daughter, who had come into town for the weekend, him, and some others of his and my family. He came up after work and left after dinner. I really pulled all of the stops for this evening, and it was a hit. He congratulated me for pulling it off so well without him.
Yesterday, his foot hurt and he needed to go to work at 9:00 this morning for a short meeting (it is one hour from here). He didn't feel like driving up and seeing me.
The long and the short of it is that I feel I am at the mercy of his whimsy to see me and his intense anger episodes. Am I wrong in feeling this way? On Friday, all I did to deserve a one-hour fit was to not call him for 30 minutes after I arrived home.
Please give me feedback.
I did break up with him last night, just saying two lines on Yahoo Instant Messenger. I know that is cruel, but he did not call me or argue. I'm pretty sure he's as sick of constant drama as I am. He called this morning to find out whether he should cancel an engagement that we had this week or whether I wanted to do it. We were very calm and businesslike.
Am I being unreasonable here?
I am pretty upset tonight and not feeling strong. I really put all that I had into this relationship, and I feel hurt, angry, and disappointed.
--recreating myself

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you write: "I would never allow my boyfriend to influence me in any way to hurt my daughters."
But you have... you wrote: "he hated the way I tried to reassure her."
Hated? Hated?!?! He has *nothing* to say about how you treat with your children. PERIOD. He's not their father. He's just some man sleeping in your bed at night--that's all.
you wrote: " I tried to tell him I would talk with her and try to address it in a more decisive way, and I hoped he would stay and help. "
???!??!?! Help with what? He hates how you treat with your daughter; he doesn't think you handle it right and wants you to handle it his way, which is probably abusively and you want his help?
you wrote: :"*****He got terribly angry and full of himself, accusing me of not dealing well with the issue, telling me that he was going to make me take care of it once and for all, and that no child would ever do this to him.*****"
A man in his mid fifties is so threatened by a child's need for her mother that he's going to 'make' you take care of this once and for all? No child is ever going to do WHAT, EXACTLY to him and what EXACTLY is his remedy? Beat your child? Harm your child? Beat/harm you to teach her a lesson?
you wrote: "He went on and on, over and over, about he had given me the chance to take care of it in the past but I wouldn't do it, and how it was affecting his life (he has only experienced her knocking on two occasions) and he wouldn't stand for it. He went on and on. I asked him to stop and assured him I would try, and the tears were running down my cheeks. And he continued to say that he had to teach me this because I couldn't learn it on my own. "
And instead of kicking him to the curb and leaving him there, you want to go to therapy with him so that you, too can have ownership in what is clearly HIS PATHOLOGY, NOT YOURS to own. You don't need a therapist: you need to talk to a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELLOR (1-800-977-SAFE) because all a therapist is going to do is tell you that you need to do a better job of listening to what he says he wants--they're going to look at it as a communication issue when this is an emotional abuse/intimidation issue by him. You're so eager to make nice when you were on the right track when you initially posted---by ending the relationship.
You can not be that desperate for a man in your life that you settle for this. It's better to be alone for the rest of your days than to tolerate one more minute of this abuse that you not only inflict upon yourself, but upon your children, who see and hear what he says to you. Part of the reason why your baby is scared is because of what she sees and hears what you don't think she sees and hears. No man's sex is that good that you subject yourself or your children to this kind of abusive treatment.
Edited 11/2/2006 11:25 am ET by quenek
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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