Broke up with me & still wants to see me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Broke up with me & still wants to see me
15
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:59am

Hi, I am hoping someone can offer some advice to me because I'm so confused! Here's my problem... about six weeks ago, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. We were living together, so I moved back to my mom's house for now. He said he was never in love with me. He said he loved me but wasn't in love. (Does that sound typical or what?) Anyway, I was and still am in love with him - he was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything. I'm 22 and he's 25, if that helps.

So about a week after he broke up with me, he started dating someone else, which hurt me really bad. But of course that was just a rebound, and they broke up after about 3 weeks. Then, he started calling me again. So for about two weeks now, we have been seeing each other again, and spending nights together. But the thing is, I don't think his feelings towards me have changed at all. He keeps telling me "Don't get it in your head that we're back together, because we're not. You're here because you want to be. I don't want to go through the whole breakup thing again, because we're not together." It's like we're dating with no commitment... almost a "friends with benefits" kind of thing, and I hate that. I don't want to continue seeing him with no commitment - I've been through that. He's always been commitment phobic, and it took him a really long time to admit I was his girlfriend at the beginning. I thought his commitment issues could have come from when he was engaged about a year or two before he met me, and his fiance walked out on him. But I just don't understand how he can not be in love with me after all this time... he says I'm everything he wants in a woman, he's just not in love. I don't know what to do. Do I keep seeing someone who's not in love with me and won't commit to me? I keep hoping that one day he will love me. I know you can't make someone love you, I just wish there was something to do. I want to keep seeing him, but if he's just going to break it off again, or start seeing other people again, then I'm going to get hurt again. But why does he want to keep seeing me if there's no feeling? I just don't know what I should do! Any advice would be much appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 8:00am

"But why does he want to keep seeing me if there's no feeling?"

Sex.

Stop all contact with this man. The two of you have different goals in life. You yearn for commitment and fidelity. He is flighty and wants to goof off. This is a classic case of unrequited love, and its a story as old as mankind. Don't waste any more of your precious time mourning over a lost cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:30am

I whole heartedly agree with IVDarian!

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:32am

Ugh! I am in the same boat. It's so hard. My ex-bf (broke up a week or so ago) isn't committment phobic (I don't think) but he has a lot of going on in his life and he can't commit to the future or to me. I was patient and gave it time, but in our 'break up' phone call it came out that he doesn't see committment to me in his future at all, at least not now, his life is too much of a mess. I have stuck by him through some trying times (he was going through a custody battle), but at some point I have to say enough is enough. I want to marry again, I hope to have more children, but there is no reason to believe my bf will be ready for that anytime in the near or distant future.

He still wants to see me, it would be friends with benefits if we did. My heart can't take it. It's so hard to tell him no, I want to say yes! I want to be with him! But I also know that I want a future with him and knowing I can't have that makes being with him painful. I have to protect myself right now, my heart needs to heal. That is what you need too. Don't let him use you for sex. You aren't getting what you want from being with him now (just false hope), and he's getting just what he wants (sex without committement). That's not fair and if you continue, it's just going to eat and eat and eat at your heart and your self-esteem until there isn't anything left. What I have told my bf is that I want to be with him, I want to see him, but I can't. I need my heart to heal and I need to be alone. If he called me and said he was wrong, he does want me and my dd in his life and he does want to committ to us - I'd be back with him in a heartbeat. But he's not saying that. He's not going to say that, so I have to stay strong. You have to stay strong too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:26pm
I am somewhat going through this myself.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:55am

Thanks to everyone who answered my post. Those of you who have told your bf's no are stronger than I am! It seems so hard to not be with him. But I am sure you're all right that I can't just be a friend with benefits. I just have to get up the strength to tell him that, and that's the really tough part.

I don't understand how he could love me for 5 years but not be "in love" with me. Has anyone had a similar experience? Either you just weren't in love or someone else wasn't with you? Is there anything you can do about it? Probably not...

Thanks again for the encouragement!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:28am

Dixie, I couldn't agree more with what you've already been told. He's made it clear this is not a relationship. That means you're now having sex with a guy who's an acquaintance, not a boyfriend. The message you're subconsciously sending yourself in that behavior is not good. The message you're giving him is that you will sleep with someone without a relationship. Many girls have done just what you're doing, continued to have sex with an ex-boyfriend hoping it will bring them back to a relationship. It doesn't work. It lets the guy have "free sex", sex without the bother or work of a relationship and without the potential rejection in looking for a new partner. He's saying very loudly and very clearly by his reminders that this is not a relationship and that you are there of your own choice that he will not be made to feel guilty for using you for sex, he's telling himself that it's not his fault every time he says that to you. He's absolving himself of fault or blame by reminding you both that you know the score. We've had many men respond to posts like yours saying the same thing.


Another thing you should be aware of is that I've had several men on the board confess to using ex-girlfriends for sex, some for a year or more, for the very reasons I've suggested. These guys have said that they go to those ex's for no other reason but sex and that they know that the only reason these ex's continue to have sex with them is because they hope they'll get back together. The guys say that they know getting back together isn't going to happen, but say nothing and keep on going back for sex. Why? Because it's easier to have sex with someone that's a "sure thing". They don't have to worry about rejection or go through the stress of meeting someone else, going through the date process and hopefully getting sex at the end of it. Not only is it "a lot of work", but the chance for rejection is not fun to face. So, they keep going back to the ex for free sex, that way they get the sex they want without having to do any work for it. Nice, huh?


Whether your ex is doing this or not is not important to figure out, though I think he's making it pretty clear that he is. You should not be lowering yourself to such standards to accept that kind of treatment. If he's not willing to put out the work for a relationship, then you shouldn't agree to have a sexual relationship with him, period. You deserve a relationship, not to be used sexually in hopes of a relationship. You're worth it all, and if he's not willing to be that with you, then he's not worth your time.


Tell him no, refuse to see him and move on. I know it's hard, I know you want things to be different, but that's not how it is, it's not reality. Staying around him will only keep you stuck, will only continue to hurt and will make the hurt last a lot longer. The result will not be changed, hanging around, having sex or not will not bring you back together, it will only hurt you.


Read LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS from our Information and Resources section to help understand why no contact is the best way to go. Even though the article is about harmful relationships, it applies to any and all ending relationships.


Let me know what you think and how are you doing, okay?




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:33am

Myrinalyn, you should read LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS too. I know it's been posted for you before, but you need to read it, even if you've read it before. You also really need to be reading the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. It's where you'll get the best board help, it's the board that deals with your issues.


The only one who can change your situation is you.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:06am

Thanks for the link to the article. What it said about casual contact tricking your mind into thinking the relationship is still there, is so true. Because when I'm with him everything seems like normal, like how we used to be. But I will never be able to move on if things seem like that.

It seems so cold-hearted to just be using me for sex... I think it's not *just* the sex, but I think he is lonely and wants some company, which does sometimes turn into sex. You're right that he's absolving himself of guilt when he reminds me I'm there because I want to be. But honestly he must know I'd be so hurt again if he started seeing someone else again. He knows a "friends with benefits" type of relationship would hurt me, so for some reason I guess I am thinking that there's hope because I think he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. And I really think that he would work on the relationship if he thought he could love me, but for some reason he just can't. I don't understand why, since he says I'm what he wants.

The few weeks immediately after he broke up with me were literally the worst few weeks of my life. The even sadder thing is, after 3 or 4 weeks, I was starting to get a tiny bit used to him not being around, starting to move on a little. And now he's back and my feelings are back (not that I ever stopped loving him) and I just don't want to go through that again. But I guess it is inevitable. I'm probably prolonging the inevitable. It's just so hard to break away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:46am

It is hard to say no to being with someone that you want to be with. When my ex-bf called the last time he said I sounded sad and asked if I was crying. I said no, but if I saw him then I would cry. I said he wasn't supposed to call me anymore, he said fine he won't call then. So I responded with but I do want you to call, I do want to see you, I just can't. It is hard. After saying that to him I cried so hard because I just don't want it to be turning out this way! Be honest with yourself that you know what you want and he's doesn't want that. If you don't demand that, and if you become a FWB for him, then you are cheating yourself and hurting yourself even more than a clean break will hurt.

I used this analogy on another board once, for a women who was having trouble telling her H she wanted a divorce. She was torturing herself every day thinking about telling him, wanting to tell him, fretting about how to say it and when but never doing it. Telling her H she wanted a divorce would be like going to the dentist when you have a really bad toothache - it was going to hurt a lot but when it was over she'd feel a ton of relief, and the alternative was living with that constant barely tolerable pain for who knows how long. It's the same for you. You can drag this out and spend the next year hoping and waiting for him to change his mind, knowing in your heart he won't, or you can deal with all the pain and sadness now and then move on. It's your choice and you are the one that has to live with the consequence of your choice.

But it's still hard ((((HUGS))))




Edited 5/17/2005 9:48 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 12:38am

You're right that if he loved you he would, and that if your relationship does "come back" it won't last. Hard and not what you want to hear, I know, but true. If in five years he doesn't love you, he isn't going to. And the truth of the matter is at the age that he's at, it's likely his feelings have changed from what they used to be. I have no doubt that when you first got together you were perfect for him, but as we grow and mature (normal for all of us in our 20's) we evolve and what was once right for us is not longer right at all because of the changes that have gone on inside. Nothing he's done wrong or can change and nothing you've done wrong or can change either. Fact is, very, very few relationships that happen in our early 20's survive and that is the reason.


It sounds like you got a lot out of the article, I'm glad. It makes good sense. Know you know why your feelings that were slowing down are back full force. It's not sad that after three or four weeks you were missing him less, it's normal, it's the way it goes. In order to make some real progress you need to not see him. Recruit your friends to help you out, make sure you get out and have fun (even though it won't feel like much fun for a while). The change of scenery will help you think about things other than your boyfriend and you'll heal a lot faster. You're right, you are prolonging the inevitable, and you're hurting yourself a lot more than is necessary in the process.


He knows a "friends with benefits" relationship would hurt you, yet that's exactly what you've got. And his constantly reminding you that you're there of your own choice without a relationship is not only telling him you're walking in with your eyes wide open (absolving him of guilt), it's also being very, very clear in telling you that you are choosing to have sex without a relationship. He's saying it for himself, but he's saying it for you, too. Realize that. When you go crying to him when it's over and done, he's found someone new (and doesn't need sex with you anymore) and you go crying to him saying "How could you do this to me?" What do you think he's going to say? "You knew we weren't together, you were here because you wanted to be". And you'll have no one to blame but yourself, because it's true; he was perfectly honest with you and you chose to ignore his warning and put yourself out there in hopes that sex could make a relationship happen. But you know it doesn't really happen that way. How are you going to feel about yourself having continually had sex with someone that you had no relationship with? You want to be able to look back at your life and be proud of how you handled yourself. Is this something you'll be proud of?


That's what you should be thinking about. Lowering your standards and your self respect in the process is not something you'll be proud of, assuming, of course that having sex with a friend for the sake of having sex isn't something that you'd typically do. In fact, I'm betting you don't feel too good about it now. I'm betting he's losing respect for you too. I'd really suggest you hang onto your self respect, hold your head high and tell him, "I won't have sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with, I have higher standards than that. I may have done it with you before, but it doesn't make me feel good about myself and I won't do it anymore." I'm betting you'll feel better about yourself and I'm betting he'll have greater respect and admiration for you too. You still won't have a relationship, but you won't be being used for sex anymore, whether he "means to" or not.




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown














"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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