Call it quits bc of BF's daughters??
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 05-22-2014 - 1:08pm|
Would therapy be good for teenagers and father?
I started dating my boyfriend 7 ½ years ago. After one year, he asked me to
move in with him. I lived with him for two years before I moved out. We needed space.
He's 12 years older than I, has been married twice with a son in his 30's, and two teenage girls (15 and 16) from his 2nd marriage. I have no children.
In the beginning, things were wonderful, of course as they always are. Not just with us, but his girls. They were a lot younger back then. When we started dating, I was like the new toy. They would jump all over me when I came over and he had them. A little wild, I wasn't used to that. But I went with it. I was so crazy about him, and loved the thought of an instant family, as it appeared they were crazy about me. We all got along well. They started asking me odd questions for girls of their age, like my weight, what kind of car I drove, what town I lived in. I'm sure this was from their mother, but I wasn't worried. It was her that ended the marriage to be with the man she is now married to.
Back then, I knew we were going to be where we are today. My boyfriend coddled the younger one to no end. She started getting in between us, wouldn't let him hug me, wouldn't let him walk me to the car. The signs were clearly there. And when I moved in, she only got worse. She came into our bedroom to tell me that it wasn't my bedroom, it was Daddy's, I was only staying in Daddy's house. I was pretty taken back, didn't say anything as I was shocked and speechless. I know what it was going on. She was jealous. I spoke to my bf, thinking he needed to spend quality time with them. He was more persistent that I try harder to bond with them. The more I tried, the worse it got. I would come from work, go into the bedroom to change, and the two of them would be in bed watching tv. They refused to make eye contact with me, wouldn't return my hello. Every day he had them was like that. I would have to gather clothes and change in the bathroom. Finally I had a talk with my bf, telling him that I didn't think our bedroom should be the room of choice for them to hang out. I needed my own space, a sanctuary to go to. He complied and they started using the living room. I continued to try and smile when I walked in from work, say "hi girls", try to make conversation, "how was school". Nothing. My bf's impression was they were just kids. Of course it got worse, especially with the younger one. If I got a haircut, she would have a nasty comment about it. If I asked them to pick up after themselves, I was "bossy". I continued to try. I took them out to get our nails done together. Took them shopping, out to lunch, bought craft stuff to do with them. But could never break through. The younger girl even told me that she doesn't like me and everyone knows it. I spoke with my bf. He said "That's just the way she is" or "she's just teasing you".
Two years of this and it just blew up. I ended up moving out, temporarily as he just wanted to see what would happen. I still tried to keep in contact with the girls through texting. My bf asked they try and communicate with me. So the younger one sent me a text telling me she doesn't love me, but kind of likes me, and she doesn't want me living there 24/7, but I can come visit. I replied back telling her that it was between me and her father, which I heard made her cry hysterically. Unbeknownst to be me, she was at a friend's house that day. Although she wouldn't show anyone the message, I looked like the horrible adult and felt awful about it.
Things just got worse and we ended the relationship. It was a few months until he contacted me. We talked and wanted to work things out. We loved each other and wanted to be together. I thought for sure I can "fix" things with the girls. He was at my apartment one Sunday morning when his older daughter called him. She asked where he was and was upset when he told her. Later that day, their mother calls telling him he needs to come over and talk to the girls. I waited at his place for his return. They both were literally crying over the fact that we were together. They told him they felt I was trying to take him away from them. When he pointed out all of the things I've done for them, they told him I was trying too hard. I was so upset. I couldn't believe my ears. I saw it as complete manipulation. But he is incapable of seeing the same. They are his children, and he needs to consider their feelings. How could he not see it? They were contradicting themselves. I was lost. That was 2 years ago. We stayed together for another year, but again the stress from the girls made it unbearable. We couldn't move forward with our relationship because of their harsh feelings toward me. I wanted to get married, but there were always issues. I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't going to happen and told him I can't do it anymore. And we broke up again. This time, after just a few weeks, he told me that he doesn't want to lose me, let's get married. But once again, when I went to his house and the younger girl saw me, she went to her room and refused to come out while I was there. Now she refuses to see him when I am around. I wasn't invited to the older daughter's extravagant sweet 16 party. Over 100 people invited and she didn't want me there. I don't know how much more I can handle. He tells me that he talks to them; he tells them that he loves me and when they are rude to me, they not only hurt me but they hurt him as well. I don't think they care. I think they are just mean kids who are choosing to dislike me, and I honestly wonder if that can ever change. They've never done counseling, I suggested it on more than one occasion, he finally agreed last week but hasn’t acted on it. When I asked him, he said he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I’m at my wit’s end, not sure how much more of this I can take. Do I push for therapy again?