Called off wedding - back together
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| Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:08pm |
I need some advice: my boyfriend and i called off our wedding after being together for 4 years. Since then, we have gotten back together and worked really hard on fixing what was broken. The wedding is still off, however, we are happier now than we have ever been. The problem comes in with my parents. They want nothing to do with him until he pays back the money that was lost when the wedding was called off (they even wrote him a letter demanding the money back). THey also think he needs to apologize to them for calling off the wedding. After that, they said the MAY forgive him. He is in school and has NO money right now, certainly not the thousands of dollars they are asking of him. I agree that he and I should split this cost but I also understand his financial situation and that he does not have this kind of money right now. He has offered to pay them what little he can every month, however, he has not had any extra cash in the past 2 months and now their laywers are going to be sending him another letter shortly. this is causing us a lot of stress, when we are trying to focus on working things out. I also think he does NOT owe them an apology. What happened was between us, not between my parents. He and I made amends, and it's no body else's business. This is causing me huge grief as now my parents and my boyfriend cannot get along. He and I have been taking steps slowly toward getting engaged again, and it's hard when I can't even bring his name up to my family wihtout them getting angry.
Has anybody ever called off a wedding and gotten back together? How do you handle family that was hurt by breakup and are not happy we are working things out? What should I do? Thank you in advance...

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Good for you for getting help, for agreeing to see a couples counselor (kudos to your psych for referring you to someone else). Congrats also on setting boundaries and in being clear on your expectations, that's very important in keeping yourself safe and in control of your life. Taking your time is a smart move, pushing ahead is not something you should consider doing, you'll move ahead when you're ready to, not before.
There are some articles in our Information and Resources section that may be helpful to you. They may not give you any new information, but the confirmation that you're doing the right thing and that your feelings are universal for this kind of problem can be very helpful.
Getting Over an AffairHealing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?
IMO, you're doing everything right to assure that your future is what it should be. Best of luck for a strong and happy future, Alh78 ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Let me know ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have to tell you that knowing that he has alcoholic tendencies at the least, concerns me. You're not only worried about cheating, but you're baby-sitting him on his drinking as well, and that doesn't bode well for the future. Being in a relationship with someone whom you worry about whether they're drinking, remind them not to drink, check up to see if they've been drinking, etc., is not the makings of a healthy relationship. But, maybe I'm speaking out of turn, what does he think about his drinking? Does he see it as a problem? Is he adamant about not drinking, is he concerned about his blackouts and his family history? Much can be derived by knowing his thinking. Here's an analogy to explain what I'm talking about:
A guy I know was a drinker. At one point he got a DUI. At that point he recognized that alcohol was causing problems in his life and he made the decision that he shouldn't drink anymore, so he stopped - cut it out of his life completely. Those are the traits of a non-alcoholic, someone who can recognize that it's causing problems in their life and stops it. An alcoholic won't do that. An alcoholic will make excuses as to why they got the DUI, how they'll make sure they don't get a DUI again, but they won't consider cutting alcohol out of their lives.
As far as the cheating goes, alcohol does not make a cheater. Alcohol will certainly make someone who's prone to cheating much more apt to cheat, but alcohol will not make someone who is faithful unfaithful. So, your worry about him cheating when he drinks is unnecessary; if he's prone to cheating, he'll find a way to cheat whether he has the excuse of alcohol or not. I do, however, understand that this is all new to you and as such, you're pretty sensitive to his drinking; at this point it may remind you of the cheating. Although, you already know he cheated drunk and sober.
Now, finally, to answer you post (sorry for the side notes about alcohol)
You are not wrong to want him to do more work, you're not wrong to be afraid to tell him you're wanting to move forward. All of this is very fresh, it was just three months ago, right? It's going to take a long time for you to heal from this, three months is not nearly enough time, and you're going to need a lot more time to observe him, time to see examples that show you that you can trust him again - a lot more. You haven't had enough time to get through your hurt and anger, you can't possibly begin to have regained trust yet; IMO, trusting him at this point would be unwise, not because he's still cheating, but because it wouldn't show good self-protection to do so. You say you want to move forward with him, but I wonder, are you really certain or is it contingent on his actions? At this stage I would think you'd be fully in "wait and see" mode. I would think all you'd be sure of is that you were willing to consider it and to stay for today, your decision about tomorrow depends on what you see tomorrow. Does that make sense?
And no, you're not wrong to want him to do things to show that he loves you. He should be doing things to let you know how he feels. The fact that he doesn't want to unless you're willing to commit to me, is a concern. Like you said, he's the one who did wrong, he's the one who has to prove himself, but it doesn't sound like he's too willing to do that. If he doesn't want to put out the effort unless he knows it's not going to end up being "for nothing" (if you end the relationship) that doesn't sound like he's committed to repairing the damage he did.
I hate to say it, but I think you have some real reason for concern regarding his cheating; he doesn't sound as remorseful as he should, sounds like it's dependent on your commitment, and that's not true remorse on his part. Adding that to the very real concern that if he isn't already an alcoholic he will be in the future are some very serious red flags, IMO.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He is capable of drinking only two or three drinks in an evening and not 'craving' alcohol...You have such a strong message to me about alcoholism but his counselor is very qualified and I believe anyone has a chance of becoming an alcoholic...heck, I have it running very strongly in my family but I don't feel like I am 'red flagged' as a possible alcoholic...I drink socially too but can control my ammounts.
As for the other stuff, I guess I will have to wait and see what our conselor says. You seem so negative on that last message and I am fully aware of the fact that alcoholism runs in his family. I do not believe him to have a strong lead towards it....but will address it in couseling again while we go together.
I see couples close to me that their boyfriends/husbands drink at least a six pack each night...this is not our situation or even close to it. He does not even drink on the weekends regulary.
Of course, concern that he had this serious problem, or was heading that direction would color my thoughts on your situation, that would be two serious issues rather than just one and living life with an alcoholic is hell.
I stand by what I said about his not wanting to do special things until he sees they're "worth it" (whether you commit to a continuing relationship or not) and I also think you have a long way to go before you'll be able to feel secure and right in looking far into the future with this guy. That's not a slam, it's wise and appropriate considering the situation. Anytime you've been dealt trust and betrayal issues it takes a long time before you can feel confident or sure that looking in to the future is appropriate. You're both doing the right thing by seeking counseling. One way or another, you'll get where you need to be, Alh, it just takes time.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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