Called off wedding - back together

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Called off wedding - back together
17
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:08pm

I need some advice: my boyfriend and i called off our wedding after being together for 4 years. Since then, we have gotten back together and worked really hard on fixing what was broken. The wedding is still off, however, we are happier now than we have ever been. The problem comes in with my parents. They want nothing to do with him until he pays back the money that was lost when the wedding was called off (they even wrote him a letter demanding the money back). THey also think he needs to apologize to them for calling off the wedding. After that, they said the MAY forgive him. He is in school and has NO money right now, certainly not the thousands of dollars they are asking of him. I agree that he and I should split this cost but I also understand his financial situation and that he does not have this kind of money right now. He has offered to pay them what little he can every month, however, he has not had any extra cash in the past 2 months and now their laywers are going to be sending him another letter shortly. this is causing us a lot of stress, when we are trying to focus on working things out. I also think he does NOT owe them an apology. What happened was between us, not between my parents. He and I made amends, and it's no body else's business. This is causing me huge grief as now my parents and my boyfriend cannot get along. He and I have been taking steps slowly toward getting engaged again, and it's hard when I can't even bring his name up to my family wihtout them getting angry.

Has anybody ever called off a wedding and gotten back together? How do you handle family that was hurt by breakup and are not happy we are working things out? What should I do? Thank you in advance...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:47pm
First, my condolences on the loss of your father. No matter how long ago that happened, it's difficult to deal with. I'm sorry for your loss and for the circumstances around it.


Good for you for getting help, for agreeing to see a couples counselor (kudos to your psych for referring you to someone else). Congrats also on setting boundaries and in being clear on your expectations, that's very important in keeping yourself safe and in control of your life. Taking your time is a smart move, pushing ahead is not something you should consider doing, you'll move ahead when you're ready to, not before.


There are some articles in our Information and Resources section that may be helpful to you. They may not give you any new information, but the confirmation that you're doing the right thing and that your feelings are universal for this kind of problem can be very helpful.

Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?

IMO, you're doing everything right to assure that your future is what it should be. Best of luck for a strong and happy future, Alh78 ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 3:05pm
Thank you for the articles. It does help to read them even if the material is repetative because it reminds me that things can get better. I am having a little problem now though. He is home for a week visiting family for the holidays in the north and while he is away he is calling and messaging. He is supposed to not drink and he has said he has stuck to that plan. I talk to him at the end of the night and he never sounds intoxicated so I am going to have to hold on to the fact that I am starting to believe it. BUT I told him the other day that I needed him to do things to show that I am special again to him because the affair took that feeling away from me. He thinks he should be doing things to reaffirm he is commited to working on things but he doesn't want to do 'special' things until we are firmly in the direction of commited to working it out. I am still on the fence a little and want to get into couples counseling a bit before I decide completely. I do have my gaurd up and I can't let go of it now. I do want to work out things but I am scared to say it to him because I don't want him to think he is forgiven or things will jump back to normal. SO he doesn't want to do special things for me to remind me he loves me and only me until that happens. Is it wrong of me to ask for those things? That I need to see him working a little more than I am now because he is the one that cheated? Is that bad? Its like he doesn't want to do those things for fear or me eventually saying I don't want to work things out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:07am
Sorry for the delay, Alh, question first, I'm wondering about your concerns about his drinking, does he have a drinking problem or are you concerned he'll get drunk and cheat?


Let me know ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:33am
Well, yes and no...See the first time he cheated on me with this woman he was highly intoxicated but the majority of times they got together they were sober. The drinking thing is something I associate with the cheating for some reason...more like making poor decisions all together. When we were together he would go out with some friends that weren't exactly of high moral values and drink....sometimes to the point of blacking out, but not always getting wasted. He does have alcoholism in his family but he has dicussed this with his counselor and his counselor and him have concluded he does not have an addiction to alcohol. I think I associate the drinking more with poor decisions because sometimes when we would drink out together or even when he was alone I got my feelings hurt through him being selfish or disrespectful. SO I explained this to him and he said he realized that he made poor decisions and would not drink until I was more comfortable. He tried to get me to compromise and just have him cut off at like 3 or 4 beers but I said no...no drinking at all because I need that boundary now. He has been home for a week now and last night seemed to be the hardest for me because he went out with his friends from high school to a local bar. He swears he did not drink and I did talk to him later in the night and he did not seem wasted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:25pm
Is the therapist he's seeing a licensed addictions counselor? If not, s/he isn't qualified to assess whether or not he has an addiction problem. I'm sure you already know that blackouts are a symptom of an alcohol addiction; that, along with the fact that it runs in his family is reason for great concern. If he's interested in a qualified evaluation, he can go to any treatment center and speak to an addictions counselor. They will be able to give him a qualified assessment. Of course, any assessment is only as valid as the information he provides them, withholding information, minimizing truths, etc. would change the validity of the assessment's outcome.


I have to tell you that knowing that he has alcoholic tendencies at the least, concerns me. You're not only worried about cheating, but you're baby-sitting him on his drinking as well, and that doesn't bode well for the future. Being in a relationship with someone whom you worry about whether they're drinking, remind them not to drink, check up to see if they've been drinking, etc., is not the makings of a healthy relationship. But, maybe I'm speaking out of turn, what does he think about his drinking? Does he see it as a problem? Is he adamant about not drinking, is he concerned about his blackouts and his family history? Much can be derived by knowing his thinking. Here's an analogy to explain what I'm talking about:
A guy I know was a drinker. At one point he got a DUI. At that point he recognized that alcohol was causing problems in his life and he made the decision that he shouldn't drink anymore, so he stopped - cut it out of his life completely. Those are the traits of a non-alcoholic, someone who can recognize that it's causing problems in their life and stops it. An alcoholic won't do that. An alcoholic will make excuses as to why they got the DUI, how they'll make sure they don't get a DUI again, but they won't consider cutting alcohol out of their lives.


As far as the cheating goes, alcohol does not make a cheater. Alcohol will certainly make someone who's prone to cheating much more apt to cheat, but alcohol will not make someone who is faithful unfaithful. So, your worry about him cheating when he drinks is unnecessary; if he's prone to cheating, he'll find a way to cheat whether he has the excuse of alcohol or not. I do, however, understand that this is all new to you and as such, you're pretty sensitive to his drinking; at this point it may remind you of the cheating. Although, you already know he cheated drunk and sober.


Now, finally, to answer you post (sorry for the side notes about alcohol)


You are not wrong to want him to do more work, you're not wrong to be afraid to tell him you're wanting to move forward. All of this is very fresh, it was just three months ago, right? It's going to take a long time for you to heal from this, three months is not nearly enough time, and you're going to need a lot more time to observe him, time to see examples that show you that you can trust him again - a lot more. You haven't had enough time to get through your hurt and anger, you can't possibly begin to have regained trust yet; IMO, trusting him at this point would be unwise, not because he's still cheating, but because it wouldn't show good self-protection to do so. You say you want to move forward with him, but I wonder, are you really certain or is it contingent on his actions? At this stage I would think you'd be fully in "wait and see" mode. I would think all you'd be sure of is that you were willing to consider it and to stay for today, your decision about tomorrow depends on what you see tomorrow. Does that make sense?

And no, you're not wrong to want him to do things to show that he loves you. He should be doing things to let you know how he feels. The fact that he doesn't want to unless you're willing to commit to me, is a concern. Like you said, he's the one who did wrong, he's the one who has to prove himself, but it doesn't sound like he's too willing to do that. If he doesn't want to put out the effort unless he knows it's not going to end up being "for nothing" (if you end the relationship) that doesn't sound like he's committed to repairing the damage he did.

I hate to say it, but I think you have some real reason for concern regarding his cheating; he doesn't sound as remorseful as he should, sounds like it's dependent on your commitment, and that's not true remorse on his part. Adding that to the very real concern that if he isn't already an alcoholic he will be in the future are some very serious red flags, IMO.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:34am
I do not believe him to have strong alcoholic tendencies. He does not drink regularly..I would say when we were together we or just he would go out once maybe twice a month with his friends. I think I just have a negative association with the alcohol because during those times my feelings did get hurt, more because he was selfish than because of the alcohol. So we talked about it and I explained that I wanted to see him making the right decisions now before I became more comfortable with alcohol. He and I both agree that it has to be him making good decisions, his bad decisions (with or without alcohol) are things he could have controled and he is learning how to do that now.
He is capable of drinking only two or three drinks in an evening and not 'craving' alcohol...You have such a strong message to me about alcoholism but his counselor is very qualified and I believe anyone has a chance of becoming an alcoholic...heck, I have it running very strongly in my family but I don't feel like I am 'red flagged' as a possible alcoholic...I drink socially too but can control my ammounts.
As for the other stuff, I guess I will have to wait and see what our conselor says. You seem so negative on that last message and I am fully aware of the fact that alcoholism runs in his family. I do not believe him to have a strong lead towards it....but will address it in couseling again while we go together.
I see couples close to me that their boyfriends/husbands drink at least a six pack each night...this is not our situation or even close to it. He does not even drink on the weekends regulary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:06pm
I'm glad to know his counselor is accredited in addictions, that says a lot. I apologize if my post was strong, but I'm sure you know that blackouts are a huge indicator of big problems, just as you know alcoholics don't have to drink daily, weekly or any set time frame in order to be alcoholics; it's about the inability to stop once you start, not necessarily a need for alcohol on a regular basis.


Of course, concern that he had this serious problem, or was heading that direction would color my thoughts on your situation, that would be two serious issues rather than just one and living life with an alcoholic is hell.


I stand by what I said about his not wanting to do special things until he sees they're "worth it" (whether you commit to a continuing relationship or not) and I also think you have a long way to go before you'll be able to feel secure and right in looking far into the future with this guy. That's not a slam, it's wise and appropriate considering the situation. Anytime you've been dealt trust and betrayal issues it takes a long time before you can feel confident or sure that looking in to the future is appropriate. You're both doing the right thing by seeking counseling. One way or another, you'll get where you need to be, Alh, it just takes time.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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