calling him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
calling him...
16
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 7:40pm
I call my bf everyday, he doesn't complain. I wonder if I call too much. We have talked in the past about my clingy codependent issues, and he's supportive of my efforts of changing, but...am i being paranoid now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 9:44pm

I call my H everyday. I think as long as you aren't insistant that he be there to answer or that you are able to let him go if he needs to, you're probably okay.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:51pm
It depends a lot on why you're calling.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:30am

Welcome to the board, Gal_thinlizzy ~


Does he seem happy to hear from you? Have you asked him if it's more contact than he wants?


In what ways are you "clingy and codependant" and what efforts are you making to change them?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:25am

i have gone one, even two days without calling him. not all the time, but sometimes i get anxious and assume negative things when he doesn't call me back. in the beginning of our relationship i did this A LOT, but since i've been confronting these co-dependency issues, i've learned to recognize the behaviour and re-examine my feelings, realistically.

the ways in which i'm changing my co-dependent behaviour:

1. becoming aware of it - as soon as i get anxious, i ask myself, am i being realistic? i evaluate my feelings and confront whatever it is that i'm afriad of with a more positive view on things.

2. (this one is hard)i have become more involved in my own life. i love a clean house, a beautiful lawn and spending time with my 4 year old son. when our relationship first started, (i am ashamed to say) but i ignored everything else in my life and centered myself around him. (he didn't like this at all, hence for 8 months we went through a lot of on and off, hot and cold moments, thank god he's patient.) one night, he confronted me about this behaviour and he has been coaching me for the better ever since. i'm lucky. now, i feel i have more of a balance and my son has his mama back. plus, my bf and i are happy.

3. i tell him how i feel right away and do not hide them for fear of rejection or upsetting him. we always work it out, and sometimes it's hard, but in the morning, we can hug and are the better for it. i think this is why we are still together after all those months of struggle.

well, as for the phone calling, he doesn't act like i bother him at all, unless i catch him when he can't talk (ex. at his son's ballgame), which he isn't rude about it and he always calls me back when he can talk.

i don't know what it is about how i feel sometimes. because of my experiences from the past, i just get paranoid that certain aspects of my behaviour bother him. i have asked him and he tells me that he would tell me if something bothered him. i guess i'm being silly.

maybe i get paranoid because our commitment is rather unspoken. he is very action-oriented, and i can tell this is how he expresses his love for me, but he has yet to say it outloud. we are exclusive, yet it's another unspoken given kind of exclusive. we just are. i dunno how to explain it and i figure that part of the relationship is probably not healthy. but he is a man of great integrity. he has never told me something and then not followed through...i find it hard NOT to trust him. the "i love you" is coming, but he is a cautious person and wants to make sure it is right, i don't think there's anything wrong with that, so i'll let it happen on it's own. i would rather he say it when he's ready then to ask him if that's how he feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:48am

Gal_thinlizzy, when you say that your boyfriend confronted you about your behavior, I assume he was confronting you about being your being smothering of him, right? He reacted from his displeasure that it was too much for him rather than wanting you to be more balanced in your own life, right?


I would never consider myself silly if I were concerned that there was a problem. I think doing so is sending yourself the message that your own thoughts and feelings aren't valid or dependable, it puts you in a lower self worth and self esteem category. If you have concerns that there are problems in the relationship, then your concerns should be addressed, and not just by being told that he'd tell you if there was a problem. You should be free to tell him what you see, what causes you concern and why. He should encourage your input and he should want to hear it and to address it. What you're describing is setting you up for a thought process of "the man is all knowing and in control, the woman is just simple and silly and her thoughts are not worth listening to". I know that's a powerful statement to make, but I hope you'll give it some thought.


If, as you indicate, you recognize that it is issues from your past that cause you paranoia, then those issues need to be addressed and resolved with a professional therapist. Your boyfriend is not qualified to properly address those issues, and if they aren't addressed they will continue to be issues for you.


I have to say, based on what you've said, I'm a bit concern. What do you think?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:12am

He brought up my problems with co-dependency and low self-esteem out of concern for my health and my future. Not because it's just too much for him.

I would agree with you that what I said about being silly is a self-esteem issue. As I mentioned above, that is something else we have talked about.

He encourages me all the time to tell him how I feel about our relationship. Although, I would really like for him to hear me out a little more. This is a fault in our relationship.

When I said 'coaching', I meant that, he's there when I need him. He really wants to help because he says it will bring us closer together.

The reason I second guess myself is because of (like I said) the past. I will see a therapist - because I'm tired of dealing with these issues. :)

I have a good man, not perfect, but good at heart.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:22pm

Why not let him call YOU? That way you won't have to worry about whether you're calling too much...you'll know he's calling because he wants to talk to you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 4:32pm
He does call me.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:08pm

Ok, then why not just talk to him when he calls rather than calling him?

I'm confused, sorry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:47pm
he calls me, but not everyday. i just call him more often.

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