Can I believe him this time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Can I believe him this time?
5
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:23pm

Your opinion, please! I'm so confused.

The guy I was dating, seriously, for 8 months broke up with me at the end of March, saying that he no longer felt that he could be in a committed relationship, although he swore up and down that he "still loved" me. This did not come as a major surprise -- I had sensed that something was wrong/missing for 2 months, but he consistently denied it when I asked him about it and actually broke up with me during a time when I thought the relationship was improving. He claimed he felt mostly friendship (rather than romantic feelings) for me, but was confused and needed to be by himself.

During the first month, his behavior was very erratic. He would call me, almost compulsively for days, telling me that he loved me but was confused and didn't know what he wanted, and then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. At the end of April/beginning of May, I just asked outright where he was emotionally and how he felt about trying again. He said that he was "in a good place" and didn't "feel the need to talk about anything". I was polite, told him that I appreciated his honesty, and said goodbye. But truthfully, I was sick of being hurt and felt that he had just strung me along. Thus, I cut off contact with him, didn't answer his calls or e-mails, and just got down to getting him out of my system for good.

At the beginning of June, I saw him at a local cafe (it's a small town and hard to avoid someone here) and he asked if we could "talk". Turns out, he has decided that I'm the one for him -- the only one -- and he wants a second chance. I told him we could be friends, but that I no longer trusted him. He has since set out to prove his sincerity to me and continues to attempt to resume the romantic relationship. He's kept at it for 3 weeks now and I'm starting to wonder if I should give him the second chance he's asked for. He's suggested starting really slow, dating again, letting me take the lead, and talking about our "issues".

He says all the right things, but could he possibly mean them? Can I ever get over the awful two months worth of being dumped? In retrospect, his behavior seemed awfully immature for someone his age -- he's in his 40s, several years older than I, and we've each been married before, so it's not like adult relationships are new to him. Neither of us has children ("dextersmom2006 refers to my cat) so I'm not risking anyone's feelings but my own.

Thoughts on this would be GREATLY appreciated, as I am about as confused as someone can be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:16pm

Don't focus on what he wants, focus on what you want. Do you want to get back together with this guy. Do you want it bad enough to risk getting hurt again....cause no matter what you would be taking that risk. If you don't think you can handle that risk, or you really are not feeling good about him, then move on. There is certainly plenty here to worry about so why even try convinving yourself if you don't think he is right for you?

He has been very erratic emotionally and this is very telling. Assuming he is not in the middle of a divorce when everyone gets a little crazy emotionally, then this is likely something he does.....a way he processes things in life and you can change the issue but the way he processes is not likely to change. How were the first six months with him...did you see any signs of him beng emotionally unbalanced?

It is up to you, if you can handle the worst case scenario here which is you try again and fail, then you can do as he suggests and start slow and watch carefully for his issues. If he really is emotionally unbalanced it will only be a matter of time before he acts like that again.....pick the situation....it does not even matter.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:24pm

First, you have to odecide if you want to get back together with him, oitside of what he's saying and doing.

Then, determine whether anything has really changed between you. Why the sudden epiphany? Why is he so sure now?

I'd proceed with caution.

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 5:32pm

Thanks for reminding me that what I want is just as important as what anyone else wants -- I tend to be a people pleaser rather than focused on my own needs.

This guy and I do have a lot in common and like to do the same things, have the same interests, etc, and that really does make me wonder if I'm missing something if I say no to this. On the other hand, what really holds me back (like you said) is this nagging question of "why the sudden epiphany?" I have asked him that point blank -- twice no less -- and his answer is that he missed having me in his everyday life so much ....

If I do go forward with this, it will be VERY slowly and with extreme caution. Thanks again.

dm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 5:41pm

Thanks for bringing up a great point -- both you and jessiesgirl reoriented me to what I want as opposed to what others might want from me. This is something I need to pay more attention to in many, many different areas.

As to his lack of emotional balance -- we did get off to a rather rough start. He came on very strong in the beginning, then backed off, but then things leveled out within the first 3 months. The next 3 were pretty great, and then the next two weren't bad, but weren't great either. I was one of those situations where you can feel someone pulling away from you, but they don't own up to it.

While he did have a lot going on during this time -- he'd just moved from the opposite coast, was new in town, with a new job, etc., I'm still concerned that his erratic behavior is more of a pattern than a situational thing. As you say, if I get back into this, I'll have to take it slow and be prepared. Thanks for helping me gain some perspective.

dm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:53am

Dextersmom, I think before I'd be able to consider a relationship with him again I'd have to have some answers about what was going on with him last time. If he still doesn't want to talk about it I'd interpret that as hiding something and that would be the end of that. If he says he doesn't know why he acted that way I'd have to think that meant he didn't have much of a handle on his feelings and I would have every reason to expect a recurrence of the behavior. If he talks openly and honestly about it, that would give me reason to think progress could be made. But, as you have already identified, there are now trust issues involved and you may find that you cannot get past those. When you say he says he's willing to talk about your "issues", are you referring to the break up issue, or is talking about problems and issues always been a problem with him?


If you proceed with him I do so with caution and would pay close attention to his actions. He's going to have to show a lot of consistent positive steps to show himself to be someone who you're able to believe in and trust.


An article about trust that may not give you what you want to hear, but it will give you some things to think about and bear in mind:
Trust








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"