Can you be friends with your ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2009
Can you be friends with your ex?
39
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 11:46am

My boyfriend of a year has this "friend" who is an ex.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 12:12pm

Yeah it's possible to be friends with someone you've dated. How long ago did they go out?

I think the thing to look at is whether or not he ACTS as though he wishes he was with someone else. That doesn't seem to be the case.

My guess is that he doesn't text her when you're around for the same reason I don't text my friends when my boyfriend is around - Because I'm paying more attention to him.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 2:10am

Welcome back, Happykate81 ~

A question before I can give you an answer that will really be right for your situation:

Based on your time frame, I'm certain this is the same boyfriend you posted about before.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2009
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 10:58am

Yes still me... same relationship and same girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 12:22pm

Originally you said you saw phone records (not the actual messages) that showed a lot of texts going back and forth. In addition to that, one message you *did* see was "it's just hard" regarding being friends with her. Emotionally hard on him? While it is possible for a person to be friends with their Ex, I have a feeling that in this situation, there were probably some inappropriate conversations going on. Maybe just conversations that are helping him with unresolved issues so he can move forward, but there's also a risk of developing a current emotional entanglement with that person as well. I would definitely be concerned if I were you. No man is going to be honest about what's going on with this situation...in his mind he may INTEND that this is just friends but conversations lead to other conversations.

How about you simply ask him if you can see his message history with her. That may put your concern to rest. He may not like it but if it's harmless talk then he would let you see it. You two could move forward at that point. He needs to prove to you that this is innocent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2009
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 1:01pm

The first time I saw the phone records and brought it up, I did ask to see the conversation and amazing enough his phone cleared out everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 1:10pm

Ok, it's real simple. "It's just hard" is not cool. There's nothing about hey we're just friends! this is harmless! that would include, "it's just hard". If this were my husband, it would be ultra simple. This woman will be removed from your facebook account and you will have no further contact with her. There, then his struggles with her won't lead to temptations that will make things even harder. You have a family to protect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 1:19pm

Oops, I must have gotten you confused with someone else. Sorry, I thought you and he were married with a child. (Ijust reread your post and the previous one that 2nd life posted)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2009
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 1:58pm

No problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 2:22pm

I'm sorry but the writing is on the wall here. The truth is never that complicated. It doesn't need to be explained. It just exists, in openness and honesty.

You have not openness, nor honesty, nor the truth. You've gotten a lot of excuses. There is so much negative history with this girl, and yet he insists on being friends with her. How did her husband respond to you? I don't know what this statement means: "

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 2:29pm

Geez. I don't think he should have told her that you have a problem with it. That's sharing a personal detail that is between you and him. He doesn't owe her any explanation, and to put you there as the reason is a weak link. That should have been a decision between you two as a couple that he doesn't share with her.

He should put your feelings first; heck even if they are just friends... If he was that good of friends with her, then she would have already been there in contact with him when you met him. If she were already on his FB page when you met and he told you upfront that this girl and him continued to maintain a friendship, that would be a different story. But you two have been together a year, and I don't think him continuing to struggle with his decision regarding a girl from his past is appropriate. He needs to let this go, and move forward with his life. Or you do. But it sounds like the damage/drama has already been done, and this just won't sit well for you, if he allows her to remain in the picture. It would have been one thing to just say hi to her, wish her well, etc. But to bring her into the personal space of facebook, I would be annoyed. Why give some Ex from the past a bird's eye view into his personal life. Doesn't sound mature if he is truly serious about building a strong foundation with you. Sounds like something that kids in their 20s do when they aren't serious about being in a committed relationship or they "think" they are. I probably would have even argued in his favor 5 years ago.

Good luck with which ever route you decide to go.

Pages