Can you ever back-track in a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2011
Can you ever back-track in a relationship?
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 2:14pm

Hi all,

This is my first post here, so hope you will be patient with me. Unable to talk to friends or family about my situation, I thought I would turn to this message board for a different perspective on my issue and also advice from you ladies who are likely to be more experienced than me at life and relationships.

To tell you a little about myself - I'm a Marketing Graduate, now working as a Marketing Exec for a good company and 24 years of age. I Graduated less than a year ago, worked hard and without the help of my parents, bought myself my first car and property. A little over a year ago I began dating my current partner who is 4 years younger than me.

After what I would call a happy year together, we decided to take a step forward and move in together. We have now been living together for 2 months and I'm beginning to realize that we made the move too soon. He is currently still studying and and has been for the duration of our entire relationship which means he has not been working and I have therefore been the sole financial provider for our relationship. As I always worked and held down a full time and stable job (even during my studies) I always had money and used to splash out on us a lot - taking us out to fancy dinners twice a week and experiencing different things in life together such as Snow Boarding, holidays abroad, Go Carting, to name but a few. I never got this from my partner as he never earnt, but at the time it was never an issue as I knew once he finished his studies and started working, we'd be okay.

Back to the situation - now that we're living together - our bills have gone considerably high. I have had to take on another evening job (meaning I now work 6 days a week) to pay these and have no money left to treat us out, or go on dates. I feel like I'm constantly working long and hard hours, only to come home to cook, clean, do the laundry... and all the other housework. I sometimes feel almost jealous of my partner, who only has classes 3 days a week and the other 4 days - he does pretty much whatever he wants.

Though my partner is extremely affectionate with me, I feel he could compensate for the lack of not being able to contribute his share financially by doing other romantic gestures such as preparing a candle lit dinner for us, burning me a CD or other inexpensive little things like this. However, I don't get any of this and it's most likely because he's clueless when it comes to romance...(I am his first girlfriend).

I am feeling a little fed up with the situation. My partner and I still get on and rarely argue, but there is no passion or romance left in our relationship. I can't help but wish that I had a man who could take care of me or at least be able to contribute his share. I know I knew the situation before we took the step forward, but I made a bad decision logically which I am now regretting. I wish we had taken our time over things as I know I wouldn't be feeling as bad as I do right now. But currently I feel like I'm the only one doing everything for us and that us living together is taking more from me that it's giving.

Prior to living with me, my partner used to live with his mum - who only lives 5 minutes drive from us. I don't want to break up with my partner, but I sometimes feel that if he moved back, it would take all of this unnecessary pressure off me - until we're at the stage to do this properly. I also know that it is hard trying to backtrack from a relationship as it usually spells "the end" but this decision would seem most logical for us both as it's completely draining me and probably making him feel less of a man, having to see me struggle like this.

I really need some advice as to what I should do? I'm not a selfish person and I love my partner with all my heart. He is a wonderful, caring and committed guy - he is not at fault - we've just made a terrible mistake and moved in prematurely. I would really like to have our dating days back and have him make more effort to take me out and "pursue/court" me when he starts working as I've never had that in our relationship and when the time is right and he is capable of paying bills and contributing towards the household, then I'll be more than happy to live together.

Do you think it's possible to back-track successfully when you've come so far in a relationship?

What should I do? I am beyond lost.

Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 3:18pm

If you feel a situation is not right, then by all means you need to do something to remedy it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 3:49pm
Will you make this move on the guarantee that things will be like you want them to be ? If there is a chance that it wont work out , will you continue to stay in the status quo as of now ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2011
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:10pm

If he moves out and we carry on dating then i don't mind funding for small dates until he finishes School and starts working (in September). But when he does, I'd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2011
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:14pm

To be honest, I really don't know at the moment., I just feel so overworked and overwhelmed by everything. The ideal situation would be (in my opinion) for him to move back to his Mums until he starts getting his life on track because at the moment he is incapable of handling any of the responsibilities that come with a live-in relationship.

I'm just worried that if I mention this to him, everything might come to an end. Which is not what I really want

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:33pm

He has 4 days that he does whatever he wants... soooooo why are you the one getting the second job?? Why can't he take on a part time job, and do some house chores on his time off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:43pm

I was thinking the same thing as savannah--my Dd worked part time while she was in college--a lot of kids do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 5:56pm

As someone who is also romantically challenged, I think it's asking a bit too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 2:14am

Welcome to the board, Anon1206 ~

I am in agreement with the last three replies you received.

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 12:38am

It seems like you've very accurately assessed the situation, made the decision about what you want and need, but are having a problem implementing your plan because you fear that he won't go along with the entire plan which is: 1. move out 2. grow up and become responsible for himself and 3. come back to you as a better partner.

You know you can't keep going the way that it is, you don't want a partner until that partner has shown you they can support themselves and not just leach of you financially, your relationship is horribly unbalanced and it's sucked the life right out of the relationship for you.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 4:54pm

I agree with the other posters.