Can you suggest a book for my bf and I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Can you suggest a book for my bf and I?
13
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 9:00pm

I'm looking for some suggestions for a book for my bf and I to read. A little background - we've been together 6 months (I know, when couples typically find they may not be compatible) and recently things have gotten pretty conflict-ridden. It seems like there are times (fairly regularly) where we just misunderstand everything the other is saying. He has more of a temper than I do, so he usually gets mad during these times, where I usually get sad. The result is he raises his voice and gets sarcastic and I kind of shut down because I feel like I'm being attacked, which makes him agrier, which makes me sadder, etc.

My bf is a very confident man - this comes off as arrogance at times. The reason I add that is because that "confidence" leads him to focus a lot on what I need to change, not on what WE need to work on. Once he calms down, he's more open to compromise and talk about what WE can do to improve things. But still, the next time he gets mad, he's back to what I need to change, how I need to learn...The thing is though, that I think I've gotten better at listening to him and being receptive to his concerns, while I think he really needs some help seeing how his actions are not productive and are sometimes hurtful. Either way, WE need to work on things.

We've had several conversations about all this, but we don't seem to really be improving. So, I thought we could try reading a book about fair fights, conflict management, something like that, together. I brought this up to him and he said he would do it with me, as long as he had some input on which book. So, I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions.

Thanks in advance!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 8:38pm

Well cl, I once again completely respect and appreciate your input. Unlike some other people I've seen on these boards, you are never condescending or judgmental, but seem genuinely concerned for the well-being of the posters here.

Anyway, I can't stop thinking about all this. I found the site about Eileen and Sean (you might have seen it - there was a link to it on the domestic abuse board) and its really amazing. I still go back and forth in my head..."He's not always as nice to me as he could be, but I'm not being abused!" But my gut tells me the way he treats me is not alright, and I trust that.

My mind has really changed on this (at the beginning of this thread I was saying that I would stick with him if he were trying to change). Had I opened my eyes at that time, I already knew that he wasn't trying (at least I don't think so). Our situation improves sometimes because I walk on eggshells and try very hard not to upset him. It usually works for a while, but I always feel stifled and yukky inside. I'm sure my position will go back and forth, because I'm no expert, and maybe I am too sensitive, crazy, odd, selfish, inconsiderate, etc. I so wish that I had a little expert on my shoulder at all times, helping me assess situations with him correctly.

One good thing is that I still haven't heard from him. I called him last night and left a message ("Hey its me. Give me a call if you want.") Him giving me the silent treatment is allowing me to think reationally about all this without him putting on the charm, or convincing me I'm crazy. Today is our six-month anniversary, which makes me want to cry seeing as how I haven't spoken to him in nearly 48 hours.

I guess I'm just rambling now. Thanks, cl, for your thoughts. (:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:56am

Rambling's fine, Smile it's a confusing thing you're in the middle of. Rambling is expected -- it's a good thing, it can help you quite a bit. Ramble here all you want.


Thanks for your vote of confidence and kind words, I appreciate it.


I don't think I'm familiar with the Eileen and Sean story, I looked on the DA board, but didn't find it. Where is it on the board?


Here's the thing. You're not making things better by walking on eggshells and trying hard not to upset him. That doesn't solve, resolve or improve anything. It's laying low until the storm blows over. Nothing's being improved, his attitude, actions and reactions aren't getting better, they're just calming down, but next time a situation comes up, the scene will be the same (different subject line, same actions), back to eggshells until it feels safe to be yourself again and eventually the cycle goes back through the angry, ugly stuff again. He's not learning to do things differently, you're learning to back off and tread lightly to calm things down sooner. Calling him to tell him what you could have done differently is a very subservient thing to do. It says, "You're right, I am wrong and bad. I am the cause of this. You are all power, right and strong." That's not improving anything, it's placating him and it's degrading you. Whether you realize it or not, every time you go through the process, every time you say the words or think it's all your fault, you're causing more damage to yourself. Self esteem dwindles, confidence and self worth shrink up. You're conditioning yourself to believe that you are bad, wrong, unworthy. And the longer you stay in that kind of relationship the more you believe you're not worthy of better. Look at yourself now. You wait for hours and think you shouldn't have a problem with that -- like you should wait for however long it takes and be happy to see him when he breezes in. You felt it was wrong to jump him about it as soon as he entered. You felt it would be wrong to approach him about his rudeness to you. In other words, it's okay for you to accept rudeness, you should accept it happily, but to treat him with less than happiness? Apparently that's not okay. Why would you deserve less than he does?


Your gut tells you the way he treats you isn't right because it's not. You grew up in a happy, healthy home. You know that's not how caring, respectful, appropriate partners treat each other. Your gut is telling you the truth and you know it.


He's not calling you because he's punishing you. It's also your place to be submissive and call, admitting full blame for the entire incident. He's waiting for you to tell him you were wrong. I know you realize that this incident was not your fault, that you were not wrong. Being angry about being treated badly (coming over hours late) isn't wrong and doesn't mean you "started it". Reacting with anger and indignation is a normal, healthy reaction. You were treated badly.

I really encourage you to pick up the book, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft . I think you'll see your boyfriend there pretty plainly. In Bancroft's descriptions of conversations with the s/o's of his clients you'll hear yourself, your mindset, you'll hear your situation. You'll probably find plenty of examples where the quotes of his clients match your boyfriends thoughts and words pretty exactly.



You know what? Even if this isn't abuse, it's still not right and it's still very damaging to you. That's not what relationships are supposed to be. I know it feels sad thinking that this relationship will end, but it's a lot sadder to think about what it will do to you if it continues.

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 11:17pm
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Edited 8/14/2005 12:37 am ET ET by molly_madison

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