can't be with him or without-pain either way

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
can't be with him or without-pain either way
13
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 12:52pm

I was involved in a 8month

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it's actually smart of him to realize that he's not ready to be in a relationship, although it's painful to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

First, I hope you do realize that this is not the last man on earth for you. So let go of that now or never thought.

It's too soon after his ex to be dating, and he's said this to you flat out. His attention towards you could b a nice little cover up for his real mourning. He needs time to get over his ex before he starts anything. You don't want to be the "distraction" that he later wakes up and realizes that's all you were for him - a nice distraction.

I'd limit all contact for a good 6 months. Don't let him sweet talk you, cuddle you, buy you things. Just let him be alone for a while. He may have a need to keep a woman by his side regardless if he's ready for one or not. Maybe he's the type that doesn't know how to be alone?

Clearly he is not ready, and so I'd give him buffer time and not get swooned by the stuff in between.

If he's already moved on to someone else or not interested in you anymore after 6 months, then refer to my first statement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009

Thank you so much...i agree that he needs the time to figure things out...One thing I didn't mention, is in addition to his wanting to back away he is online dating and has upgraded to serious status...meaning wants a serious relationship...so I don't get it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010

What he's doing is collecting woman to pick from.

And he's included you in this group. But that doesn't mean he will actually pick you.

He could be stringing you along only to committ to someone else.

If I were you, I'd take his answer to your ultimatum seriously, and leave. (afterall, what's the point of an ultimatum if you aren't going to follow through....?)

He was with you 8 months.... but he was probably using you to avoid what he was feeling for his ex.

And now, he's planning out his next move.

I don't like it - he's being manipulative.

If he really loved you he would be with you. Not online looking for other women to "sort through".

He's probably keeping you around in case he doesn't find anyone he likes.

You deserve better than that. Move on and find someone who will appreciate you, love you, and only want to be with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
I'm going to say, and this may be hard to hear, that he is not really into you. I'm not saying this to be harsh, but if a guy is into you it is obvious. I know he gave you a tv, but honestly you would have been better off with some flowers and a box of chocolates. When a guy buys expensive things like tvs or something of that nature, its not really coming from the heart. That is why he's telling you he doesn't want any commitments and then going onto a dating site to look for "the one."

I would close the door on this one and move onto someone who is truly interested in getting to know you. And you will know if a guy is truly interested by his actions. He will move mountains to be near you and he will give you gifts that come from the heart, like flowers and jewelry or a full day at spa so you feel pampered..you get the idea.

So I say, it's time to "move on dot com." Don't waste another minute waiting around for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 10:28pm
funny you say that "he' sjust not that into you"... I've been thinking about that book all day..and that-that is the problem. I called him tonight, having a heart to heart that he obviously didn't want to have. He said he just isn't ready to commit to anything..I told him his problem when we were together was that he never was serious enough about anything, he said my problem was that I was too "introspective"...just go with the flow...well after 8 months, I wanted to get introspective...to find out where we stood. So in reality, he thinks theres something better for him around the corner-guess what- I'm too good for him...this post was so helpful and the one before, when she said he spent that 8 months
using me to deal with his loss of his ex gf....I feel like an idiot. Not for long...thanks so much for helping me see reality!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 10:43pm
I'm glad it helped. :) Don't feel like an idiot though. It was a learning lesson thats all, so don't beat yourself up! We've all made these mistakes that is why we are here to help others. Now you know what to look for when you are out there dating.

In the future, watch that his actions match up with his words. If they don't, end it and move onto the next. The guy you mentioned showed that his mind was else where by his actions. And also be aware that if a guy tells you that he doesn't want a commitment - believe him.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 12:33am

Lynntam45, you haven't been on this board before, but you have been on the Toxic Relationships board a few times; not about this relationship, but about another - and I think the history is important to your current situation:

Stay or Go?
Hear me Out/ Is he a cheater?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Lynntam, if someone loves you they don't have to revist an old relationship to make sure the old one shouldn't work out instead.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Wow...thank you. I needed that. It's so wild to me how two relationships can be so entirely different. I did learn a lot from the other one and this one as well. I guess I describe so much love, because we were so compatible..so much in common, the other relationship we had nothing in common, but we had kindred spirtis..... They can hit on so many good poinst and miss on others...and it's all about whats most important to you. This last one would have been perfect if only he was "all in"...and serious about us or maybe really loved me...it started off that way, we had a great time together, but in the end that's all he really wanted...I think out of anyone. I wanted it so bad, because of all of ur common ground.. But his character and strength is definitel;y lacking. I have to learn when to cut my losses and move on and not entertain figuring it all out and reading those signs when they are screaming at me.. I am a good catch, I've got to be convinced and therefore he will...thank you all again...this has been most helpful.

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