Can't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Can't let go
17
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:43pm

I posted this over at the Healing After Betrayal board and the CL there was great! But it's a very quiet board and I was curious about some other opinions, etc. Thanks!

I caught my BF of 1.5 years cheating on me. I came across some very romantic e-cards he sent another woman on V'day about 2 days after. He said this woman was something that "just happened" the week before while he was 2,000 miles away. The content of the ecards would indicate more.

I was crushed, but ended it immediately. I got my things from his house while he wasn't there.

I emailed the OW just as an FYI that he was in a r'ship while he was persuing her. I said I didn't mean to hurt her and wished her luck. SHe responed with a bigh thank you and wished me luck as well.

We had exchanged some very engry emails during the first few days following my discovery. I know the OW confronted him about it as he sent me a scathing email about me launching avendetta against him. He acted like he was the victim, at first. Subsequent emails from him became more appologetic. In one of the last ones he went on about what a wonderful lover I had been and how I didn't deserve the way he treated me. He said he hoped I would find the love I deserved and he was sorry he couldn't be the one to give it to me.

I was hurting so bad but more than willing to walk away at that point. The next day he sent me another email basically restating what he said in the last one, but added he would like to call me in a few weeks as he didn't feel it was right we end things in such an impersonal manner after all that we shared.

I only replied the other night via email that if we were going to do that I didn't want to wait that long. Kind of crap or get off the pot. So what does he want from me? What's the point of all this?

Did I make a mistake by agreeing to speak to him again? It seemed like a good idea, to end things properly, but now I'm not so sure. I think that even after all that happened, I can't let go though I am finding it a little easier every day. But still, it all hurts so much.

I know the man treated me like crap by doing what he did, so why can't I let go? Why does half me want him back? I feel so tormented and it's been well over a week since I left.

I should also add that I'm between jobs right now and have too much time on my hands. I'll be starting anew job in a couple of weeks. I have a very hard time not thinkng about him, and what has happened, no matter how I try to keep busy.

I try to fill my mind with positive thoughts about me and my life. I'm smart, funny and not bad looking either. I have a couple of great kids that love me, a few good friends, a roof over my head and food on the table.

I'm upset with myself for even thinking that I would go back with him. For thinking that I still love him.

My friends say just cut off all communication with him and run. But I just can't do that, but wish I could. I ahve a lot of time, and emotion, invested in him.

But that makes me think. Does he feel he's invested anything in the r'ship? And if he does, why did he seek out that other woman? AS an FYI, everyhting was great as far as I could see. We weren't at odds about anything. We got along very well. As a matter of fact we talking about getting a house together in the very near future. And the sex just seemed to keep getting better!

So I guess that all could be why I'm having such hard time accepting this. There was nothing to indicate a problem.

He called me last night to set up a time for us to meet. I was very nervous about it. It was very awkward. It was the first time we had spoken in almost 2 weeks. He sounded so ptitful. I'm sorry to say it made me feel good to hear him that way. He said that he missed me. Don't they always? But for some reason I just have a (gut) feeling that he's still involved with her.

So anyway, we set up something to meet for dinner next week. He's away on business until Saturday, but made a point of telling me he wouldn't be around for a couple of days when he returned, but didn't elaborate. (And the point of that was?) He also said he'd call that afternoon to confirm. He keeps on isisting it's just to say good bye, but seems like a lot of trouble to end something that has ended already.

When we were ending the converstaion it seemed like he didn't want to get off the phone. He'd say have a good week...I hope you have nice weekend...Have good night.
Keep in mind this is the same man who didn't even want be near me when I got my things from his house.

SO anyway, I'm just so confused right now.

Any help/answers/opinion,etc., anyone can offer is appreciated. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:01pm

Here are

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:30pm

Luv, is that you...from the OLD board? I'm thinking it is but I don't want to assume...

In any event, I'm sorry this happened to you but I think you have handled it exactly right.

However, IF you are going to meet him (and I'm not sure that's necessary or a good idea) I would emphatically NOT meet for dinner! That's too much like a date...and that's NOT what this is. At the most, meet for a cup of coffee. Figure out *in advance* what you need/want from the meeting, both in terms of what you want to say and what questions you need to ask...write notes for yourself if need be.

I have to say, having had my last r'ship of 1.5 years end by my ex pulling a complete disappearing act on me, I would appreciate at least the chance to have a phone call with him (not to find out why he ended it so much as why he did it so painfully) so I can understand the desire to talk to him...but perhaps you can get what you need/want over the phone without meeting in person. Or, perhaps you could delay the meeting for a couple months until you're in a more emotionally stable place (a breakup is destabilizing no matter how stable you normally are!).

If this is you, feel free to email me through my profile as well.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:59pm
Hi Sheri...Yes, it's me. I emailed you. Thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:50pm

Thank you for your response.

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These are all questions that have been millimg around my head since he proposed that we meet. If he asks me to come back I'll be inclined to say no Yes, one part of me would like him back, but things would not be as they once were. How could they be?

I'm not sure how trustworthy he is. I mean he was "out my sight" for only a little over week and he connected so easily with this other woman...that is if I believe that it was this "thing that just happened".The phrase he used rpeatedly to describe that encounter was "just conversation and a kiss." My gut (and the content of those ecards) tells me it's something more than he's letting on.

If I was to take him back, and that is a very big "if", he would have to let me have access to his cell, BB, email accts, credit card bills, etc. for quite some time. I would need to see physical evidence that he has been faithful. I would also consider couples counciling. I feel we would need to explore why he felt the need to cheat.

But I have a feeling he would not go for any of that, so I think it's a done deal.

Thank you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 8:11pm

<>

That was my original thought too. I had suggested drinks..that could always be just a soda. However, he wanted to meet right after work and said he'd be just too hungry to go without eating. I do know he has to eat before it gets too late as he can't sleep at night. He has acid reflux.

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He had wanted to wait a few more weeks. But I'm at the point where I just want it over with and move on. I would rather see him while the "hurt" is stil a little fresh. It will be much harder for him to work his charms on me if I feel like I still want to smack him silly!!!

Thanks again Sheri!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 8:27pm

I emailed you...

But on the subject of dinner...he can meet you for 30 minutes before he eats, for crying out loud! Or just go and tell him you're not staying for dinner...say your piece, ask your questions and leave.

Sheri

Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:51pm

Male opinion here...


You've invested 1.5 years of your life in this relationship. Is this guy someone you saw yourself growing old with? Did you talk about it with each other?


If you split now without any further contact you end up for a while wondering "why?" Why did he choose to begin another relationship without cleanly exiting the one he had with you? If you ask him, he may not have an answer for you at first. Is he upset with the fact he cheated or the fact he got caught at it? There's a significant difference between those two sources of upset. If he's upset he got caught, he most likely will continue to cheat as long as you let him and as long as he continues in relationships. If he's upset over his poor choice and being "out to lunch" at even entertaining the thought of a relationship with someone else, then there may be hope at patching things up between the two of you.


There are reasons for each of the choices we make, even the dumbest ones such as cheating on a partner. Root out the reasons and resolve them and most likely the behavior changes permanently. Continue to avoid the reasons under the choice and the behavior patterns continue, either within one relationship or several.


Only you know if you feel you have enough of yourself invested in this relationship to work at resolving the crisis with this man. You always have the option to simply walk away and start over. Staying means counseling for both of you. Because both of you created the relationship of 1.5 years and put in place the dynamics underneath this man's poor choice to stray. Make no mistake here, it was HIS poor choice to stray, not yours. And he owns 100% responsibility for making the choice. However, there is something underneath all this that triggered his response to think he could "get away with it" and proceed to do so.


I made the same mistake your BF did. And I continued the pattern for 17 years. Until the time I met my last AP and knew I didn't have to search any longer for the missing parts of myself and what was missing from my former marriage. Yes, I made some terrible choices. And my choices affected many people for the rest of their lives. Yet, once the underlying reasons for my poor choices were once and for all worked through and resolved, so did the cheating addiction. It took me years to learn what most people take for granted about the intimacy that comes from monogamy. In retrospect, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:32pm

Welcome to the board, Luv2004 ~

I agree that it's a mistake to see him, and I don't think it's at all surprising that you're having a hard time letting go. Forgetting completely about the fact that you were (and are) emotionally attached to him, he was part of your routine, he was something that became part of your everyday life, in many, many ways. Leaving him left a huge hole, your life changed drastically. We're creatures of habit; even when change is good we don't like it. If you want proof check the posts on the Domestic Abuse board that start out saying, "Yea! I left him!" and a few day later they're back posting, "Why do I miss him so much?" We're used to what we're used to; even good change is met with objection by our inner selves. Think about it, without knowing anything about your relationship, I'm sure there are several times of the day that certain "rituals" existed. Maybe a phone call at a usual time, maybe you always went somewhere together or just were usually together in the evenings. It's a huge difference and you're going to miss that, and you're going to be reminded several times a day that it's missing, if you didn't you'd be a piece of ice. When you add the emotional element, it's even more understandable. Just because he cheated on you doesn't mean your feelings drop out overnight; your feelings built slowly, they'll leave the same way. But, staying in contact doesn't allow you to heal from the relationship and doesn't allow you to move on, it'll keep you stuck right where you are. Think of your feelings right now as a wound. As time goes on a scab begins to form, you're beginning to heal, but when you see him or talk to him it acts to bump that scab off, bringing your feelings back to the surface and making the wound fresh again, causing the healing process to have to start all over. There's an article that explains why no contact is very important. The article refers to harmful relationships, but the same is true for all relationships, good, bad or indifferent:
LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS


I understand why you'd want to understand why he did this, and I'm sure there are many questions you'd like to get his answers to. What makes you think he'd be any more willing to tell you the truth than he did in the beginning? You may think that because you don't have a relationship anymore he has nothing to lose and should be willing to be honest with you. First of all, I'd bet money he's wanting to try and get you back and honesty won't help him do that, but even if he isn't interested in getting you back, admitting that it went on longer or was more involved than he previously said only makes him look worse, less honorable, less respectable. Why would he tell anyone that? That's just one more person who can tell others who he really is, and he's probably not very proud of what he did, or he'd prefer to keep most people in the dark so he can continue (if he's a serial cheater).


This is what I think: He didn't even want to be around you as you got your things and (this is important) he was very angry that you'd told his other woman about your relationship with him. Now, why would he be mad unless he was planning to continue with her? Sounds like she dumped him (she didn't want anything to do with a cheater) and suddenly, he's back, wanting to meet with you for "decent closure". Please. Exactly what kind of "decent closure" can you have with someone who lied and cheated on you? I'd say the ugly truth came out and no real closure is going to happen. The only closure you're going to get is what you already had -- where you let him have it and left. There is nothing to gain from seeing him, except to torture yourself and perhaps allow yourself to be "talked into giving him another chance". He went from angry at you for telling her to wanting to stay on the phone and wanting to have dinner with you to have "decent closure". Vastly different actions with pretty see-through motives, IMO.


He's not been straight with you and you know it, his hidden contact with her proved it, and the content of the cards he sent her says the version of the truth he gave you was fiction. Now he's alone and doesn't like it. New girl got outta there, you're his only shot. I'm betting if she'd stayed you'd never have heard from him again. His attitude in being caught wasn't "Oh my God I'm so sorry" it was more like, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out" and "How dare you tell her that we were together?" Those statements don't come from a man who has remorse. He's shown his true colors. I know it hurts bad, but he's done you a favor in letting you know who he really is.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 3/1/2006 12:24 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:39pm

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your story.

<>

I'm curious, was there something about that person that made you come that realization, or did you have an epithany?

I've considered everyhting else you said in one form or another. Such as is there really something worth slavaging? I'd like to think there is. We basically had a good r'ship. We've had oour ups and dwons, but always seemed to be able to work them out amicably without nasty arguments. Well, except for this. We were always in sync about what to do, what to eat what to watch on TV, etc.

I have no clue about what his underlying reasons may be. He may not even know himself. I hoping he'sll be able to shed some light on that when we speak.

Again, I thank you so much for your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:51pm

Thank you 2ndlife....

<>

It's funny. I'm reading your post and some of it rings so true. Especially the part about how his attitude changed re: me leaving. I had to smile at how you hit the nail on the head.

I'd like to think she dumped him for many reasons. However, I just have this nagging/gut feeling she didn't. He can be SO convincing and I don't know why, but I also have this feeling she's much younger and very naieve. Just somethng about the way he worded those ecards. They were just too "cutesy". KWIM?

<>

I agree. That is why I dumped him immediately and got my stuff ASAP. I just cut and pasted the content of the ecards into an email with the subject header: Funny joke, had to share and in the body wrote "Just let me know when I can get my stuff." I sent it to his work email as he was out of town when I made my discovery. I wanted to make sure he'd get it and I knew he was at an important conference that he was presnting at. I was hoping it really screwed up his day. Viscous, I know, but I was so angry.

See, this is all new to me and very confusing. I never had to deal with this in my entire life and I'm 50 for cryin' out loud! The first time I was single I left my BF's for many reasons. None of them fidelity related...they were just "jerks'. lol Also, I'm a widow and my late husband never gave me a moment's worry in that department.

I am angry at myself for trusting my XBF. I almost feel like I showed my late husband no respect by putting this "man" in the same category.

I hear everyhting your saying and I read the post "Letting Go of Harmful R'ships". I even bookmarked it. Very helpful. Thank you. However, I feel a "need" to see this through. I think if I pass on this, I'll be wondering about it for a long while. If I go in and it's just as you said, him making a play to get me back, I can always leave. But my curiosity is strong.

Also, idealistically, I'd like to think he realizes what great thing (me) he had and lost. But probably not.

I have much to consider in the next week.

Thank you for showing me the other side.

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