Can't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Can't let go
17
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:43pm

I posted this over at the Healing After Betrayal board and the CL there was great! But it's a very quiet board and I was curious about some other opinions, etc. Thanks!

I caught my BF of 1.5 years cheating on me. I came across some very romantic e-cards he sent another woman on V'day about 2 days after. He said this woman was something that "just happened" the week before while he was 2,000 miles away. The content of the ecards would indicate more.

I was crushed, but ended it immediately. I got my things from his house while he wasn't there.

I emailed the OW just as an FYI that he was in a r'ship while he was persuing her. I said I didn't mean to hurt her and wished her luck. SHe responed with a bigh thank you and wished me luck as well.

We had exchanged some very engry emails during the first few days following my discovery. I know the OW confronted him about it as he sent me a scathing email about me launching avendetta against him. He acted like he was the victim, at first. Subsequent emails from him became more appologetic. In one of the last ones he went on about what a wonderful lover I had been and how I didn't deserve the way he treated me. He said he hoped I would find the love I deserved and he was sorry he couldn't be the one to give it to me.

I was hurting so bad but more than willing to walk away at that point. The next day he sent me another email basically restating what he said in the last one, but added he would like to call me in a few weeks as he didn't feel it was right we end things in such an impersonal manner after all that we shared.

I only replied the other night via email that if we were going to do that I didn't want to wait that long. Kind of crap or get off the pot. So what does he want from me? What's the point of all this?

Did I make a mistake by agreeing to speak to him again? It seemed like a good idea, to end things properly, but now I'm not so sure. I think that even after all that happened, I can't let go though I am finding it a little easier every day. But still, it all hurts so much.

I know the man treated me like crap by doing what he did, so why can't I let go? Why does half me want him back? I feel so tormented and it's been well over a week since I left.

I should also add that I'm between jobs right now and have too much time on my hands. I'll be starting anew job in a couple of weeks. I have a very hard time not thinkng about him, and what has happened, no matter how I try to keep busy.

I try to fill my mind with positive thoughts about me and my life. I'm smart, funny and not bad looking either. I have a couple of great kids that love me, a few good friends, a roof over my head and food on the table.

I'm upset with myself for even thinking that I would go back with him. For thinking that I still love him.

My friends say just cut off all communication with him and run. But I just can't do that, but wish I could. I ahve a lot of time, and emotion, invested in him.

But that makes me think. Does he feel he's invested anything in the r'ship? And if he does, why did he seek out that other woman? AS an FYI, everyhting was great as far as I could see. We weren't at odds about anything. We got along very well. As a matter of fact we talking about getting a house together in the very near future. And the sex just seemed to keep getting better!

So I guess that all could be why I'm having such hard time accepting this. There was nothing to indicate a problem.

He called me last night to set up a time for us to meet. I was very nervous about it. It was very awkward. It was the first time we had spoken in almost 2 weeks. He sounded so ptitful. I'm sorry to say it made me feel good to hear him that way. He said that he missed me. Don't they always? But for some reason I just have a (gut) feeling that he's still involved with her.

So anyway, we set up something to meet for dinner next week. He's away on business until Saturday, but made a point of telling me he wouldn't be around for a couple of days when he returned, but didn't elaborate. (And the point of that was?) He also said he'd call that afternoon to confirm. He keeps on isisting it's just to say good bye, but seems like a lot of trouble to end something that has ended already.

When we were ending the converstaion it seemed like he didn't want to get off the phone. He'd say have a good week...I hope you have nice weekend...Have good night.
Keep in mind this is the same man who didn't even want be near me when I got my things from his house.

SO anyway, I'm just so confused right now.

Any help/answers/opinion,etc., anyone can offer is appreciated. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:24am

Gotta tell you, I love the part where you forwarded your own little rendition of his valentines to him. Good for you. From what you've said I think you're pretty capable of keeping your head, even if you'd rather lead with your heart. You know that going with your heart if you know it's wrong will only give you more heartache in the end.


Best of luck, Luv 2004, please let us know how it goes.


Another thought - you might post on the Betrayed Spouses Support for their thoughts and suggestions.


I also see that the "Letting Go of Harmful R'ships" link I posted for you led to a "bump" instead of the main post. Going back to fix that link now.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 5:20am

I agree with 2ndlife--don't keep the non-date with him, don't seek the erver-elusive "closure." Nothing he can tell you is going to help you understand, or make you feel better, and since his behavior has been selfserving, you may expect that to continue.

My thought of how the meeting will go is: he will cry about how lonely he is, try to woo you into taking him back, and let you know that it is all your fault that the relationship hit the skids. At the end of the meeting, I think you will have fresh wounds as well as re-opened old ones, and your healing will have been set back to the moment you discovered the cards. You will be confused and unsure, and even guilty, and in the wake of these feelings, you may return to the relationship. Why put yourself through this? Tell him to write you a letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:41am

No problem with the link. When I saw "bump" I just back tracked to the original post. And I ran my post at the Betrayed Spouses board.

You know, I'm having second thoughts about that meeting. I was feeling pretty much OK the last 36 hours or so. The longest time span I've felt that good since this whole thing started. But today that "creepy", sad feeling is coming back. When I'm feeling strong and good, I feel I'll have no problem facing him. But when I feel like I feel today I think I'm not strong enough and it will hurt so much to see him again.

I wish I was in a position to just go away for a while. Some place where he can't reach me.

Thanks for all your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luv2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:07am

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:00pm

Answering your curiosity,


Yes, it was something about "that" person. Acceptance. Absolute acceptance. With all my faults; no attempt to "change" me into someone/something else. Not a work in progress to be remolded "because he just needs a little tweaking" which women have a tendency to do when they're insecure about themselves and what they really want from a partner. ANd no, it wasn't a simple epiphany. Although as time went on I did seem to feel similar to the scene in the movie "the Natural" when Glenn Close stands up in the stands, bathed in a white light and Robert Redford senses her. That mental connection continues to this day.


You're willing to look at the "big picture" approach to this problem and I commend you for it. That you can at the very least consider that BF doesn't really know -consciously- why he did what he did takes a lot of love and understanding. To me it speaks volumes as to the depth of your love and commitment to this man and that in of itself is not something to walk away from

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:51pm

Thanks nre.

<>

And you know, that is exactly what I have been. I don't try to "fix" anyone...except maybe my kids. lol He has his faults as I have mine. And with the exception of recent fidelity issues, I liked him just the way he was and have from day one. So that's another thing that has me scratching my head over this whole thing. I can't think of one instance where I criticized or nagged.

<>

Do you get that from my post? When I spoke with him on the phone the other night he went from saying it (the meeting) is just to say good bye to I miss you. I keep questioning my decision to meet with him. I don't know. It's all so confusing.

<>

I'd like to think you're correct about that. When I first confronted him and wanted my things from his house he made no effort to stop me or asked for a chance to explain. He pretty much said, "You caught me-C'yah." He didn't offer an "olive branch" until 2 days after I got my things and the OW confronted him about me and probably (hopefully) dumped him.

So much to consider. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Avatar for noregretsever
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: luv2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 10:02am

Thanks for the response.


Consensus of the women here is to not meet with him and move on.


My male opinion is meet with him, hear him out, see his eyes and body english and learn what's going on without the phone or email for him as a filter to hide behind. Difficult to do? Sure. Our society today thrives on "non-confrontation" as an acceptable behavior. Except some situations, particularly intimate personal conflict ones such as this one, IMO, require the opportunity for face to face resolution. YOu've been together long enough to really notice body language and whether there is a hint of lying or deception any longer.


Many times on the EMA board people posted that the AP left without a trace and the poster was left with lingering thoughts of "what's gong on?" or "Why?". Even when ending made NC (No Contact) the final closure, knowing ahead of time that there was one final Q+A session tended to help with NC for the future.


In your post you've mentioned you're scratching your head as to why this happened. What did you do to contribute to the decision. Unless you ask him directly, you won't know, will you? So meet and ask. You'll know soon enough if he's being evasive or straight forward. Stress that truth is imperative in his answers or the conversation is over.


As to my comments about level of remorse, in retrospect, there seems to have been a shift within him from the initial shock of being caught and running away (not calling for 2 days is running away emotionally IMO) to realizing he really has screwed up and running away won't solve anything. Particularly so if the solution

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