Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal
22
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:49pm
So my new bf, 28, is having trouble in the sex department. He either goes off too fast or looses his erection. I havent brought it up, but he has, and says he has too much running through his head. Part guilt, part performance anxiety, he knows i have more experience than him. And he has been hurt in the past by women, this could also be contributing. I told him we could just wait until he feels more comfortable emotionally with the whole thing and he laughed and said that he really wants to and thats the problem. Anyway, I have some ideas about helping him deal with this, but i thought maybe you guys would have some suggestions too.
THANKS!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 10:24pm

Welcome to the board, Holly2poly ~ Some questions first:


  • What ideas have you already come up with? Knowing what you're already thinking might save a lot of unnecessary suggesting, or allow us to fine tune what you're already thinking.
  • What have you already tried? Also, the title of your post is "Catholic guilt", but you make no mention of anything along those lines in your post. Are some of his problems based in wrestling with his religious beliefs?
  • How long have you been together?


    There's also a possibility that this problem precedes your relationship and that he's giving excuses rather than being honest and saying he's always had the problem. Do you know any of his previous girlfriends in order to find out?


    I'll be checking back for your answers ~







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-02-2006
    Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:16pm
    As far as what i have already thought of, I have thought of talking to him, in the not so nice way, a bit more during sex to keep him in the moment and keep his mind from wondering. Also maybe talking to him about keeping better eye contact with me to remind him what its about. He is pretty catholic and he has mentioned this as one of the things his mind flicks to during sex, along with performance anxiety and whether or not he should be doing this with me already (he said he has been pretty hurt a couple of times before). I have already told him..as i think i might have mentioned before...that we could just go back to taking it slow if he would like that, but he just laughed at me and said that isnt what he wants. This is what he told me anyway. We havent been together that long we have been seeing each other casually for about a month and it is just starting to be a more emotional relationship. He also told me its not the girl, that this has always happened to him and its never the girl. This was not me asking questions, this was him volunteering info. after a session that embarassed him. I dont actually know any of the previous gfs personally no...Anyway, thanks for your interest.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 04-03-2006 - 11:06am

    If he's already admitted that this is a problem he's always had, there's no reason to talk to previous girlfriends, he's let you know that this is nothing new with him.








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Mon, 04-03-2006 - 5:47pm

    Resident sex expert!? LOL

    I've run out of time right now....have to get the kids ready for school and me ready for work. Will think about it and post this afternoon (probably about midnight- USA time)

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:01am

    I imagine you're waiting for Aisha's response, but I would like to know what you meant about "mind flicks"; like I asked in my response to you, what does that mean, is he feeling guilt or is his mind simply wandering? Knowing could be very helpful.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Tue, 04-04-2006 - 2:51am

    Hi Holly

    I've got quite a number of half-baked ideas...so I'll throw them all up and random order and see how we go.

    >>He is pretty catholic and he has mentioned this as one of the things his mind flicks to during sex<<

    I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that his mind flicks to being aware of the sin that he's committing with you. If he has had years and years of parental and church teachings telling him that he's sinning by being intimate with you while unmarried - then it's not something to be overcome lightly. This would likely be compounded by the fact that the two of you started having casual sex before forming an emotional bond. Despite what we read/hear in the media, many people can't do casual sex. Do you know EXACTLY what his religious issues are?

    The performance anxiety is also a HUGE hurdle to overcome. Worrying about erectile dysfunction can kinda be a self fulfilling prophecy. He worries that it will happen and therefore it does.

    I'm not so sure about the eye contact as a solution. If he doesn't do eye contact naturally, then I would suspect that he's not into eye contact during sex at all. For the record, I don't do eye contact in bed - and if I try to do it, it makes me so uncomfortable that I loose my arousal. Also for the record, eye contact (or lack there-of) has no reflection about how I feel about my partner.

    You hinted at what I believed to be 'dirty talk' It could help - but only if he's into it. On the flip-side, it could push him back into the guilt thing.

    Viagra could help overcome the symptoms - but it would leave the cause untreated. And it could compound issues because he may then become scared that he can't manage without it.

    To sum up, I'm thinking that he may need some therapy....but I'm also thinking that this early in a relationship, his issues aren't that uncommon. And I'll second CL 2nd_life's suggestion about visiting the "Let's Talk About Sex" board. It would be a great place to also seek advice.

    Does any of this help you?

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-02-2006
    Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:03am
    Sorry, i didnt answer because i wasnt completely sure what he means. I think it is a combination of both, his "mind flicks" as in he cant concentrate on what he is doing, but I got the impression that one of the things his mind flicks to is the guilt, among other things (such as performance anxiety).
    Again, Thanks for your attention.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:50pm

    Aisha, you really think this kind of performance anxiety is normal a 28-year old at any stage of the relationship? I wouldn't agree with that at all, but that's just my thoughts. I do agree with you on the eye contact and talking dirty; if it's not something that turns you on, it'll be a libido killer.


    And whatever will or won't help, it'll take his desire to make changes in order for anything to be affective.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:57pm

    No Holly, it's me that's sorry. I somehow totally glossed over the sentence that Aisha pointed out, about his mind flicking to Catholic thoughts. Somehow, I read you to say his mind flicks but didn't see the bit about religion being one of the things he "flicks" to. That completely answers my question. I was thinking you were assuming he was thinking religion and thought it would be important to be more clear on that. YOU were clear, I just didn't pick it up, sorry!








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:51pm

    >>Aisha, you really think this kind of performance anxiety is normal a 28-year old at any stage of the relationship? I wouldn't agree with that at all, but that's just my thoughts<<

    Ahh...I hate the word "normal" LOL.

    I'm the first to admit that I'm no sex therapist - and that a qualified opinion would be far more accurate than mine. About the only thing that I can say for sure is that this isn't the first time I've heard of such an issue for a young man. However, I'll also admit that these boards can skew one's perception of what's 'normal'.

    I've also had some late thoughts on the issue which could cause ED in a young man: it's the use of drugs and/or alcohol. Obesity could also cause it. And so could frequent masturbation. I've seen many, many posts where a man will masturbate daily and then have nothing left when it comes to sex with a partner.

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

    Pages