Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal
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Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal
| Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:49pm |
So my new bf, 28, is having trouble in the sex department. He either goes off too fast or looses his erection. I havent brought it up, but he has, and says he has too much running through his head. Part guilt, part performance anxiety, he knows i have more experience than him. And he has been hurt in the past by women, this could also be contributing. I told him we could just wait until he feels more comfortable emotionally with the whole thing and he laughed and said that he really wants to and thats the problem. Anyway, I have some ideas about helping him deal with this, but i thought maybe you guys would have some suggestions too.
THANKS!!
THANKS!!

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Welcome to the board, Holly2poly ~ Some questions first:
There's also a possibility that this problem precedes your relationship and that he's giving excuses rather than being honest and saying he's always had the problem. Do you know any of his previous girlfriends in order to find out?
I'll be checking back for your answers ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
If he's already admitted that this is a problem he's always had, there's no reason to talk to previous girlfriends, he's let you know that this is nothing new with him.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Resident sex expert!? LOL
I've run out of time right now....have to get the kids ready for school and me ready for work. Will think about it and post this afternoon (probably about midnight- USA time)
I imagine you're waiting for Aisha's response, but I would like to know what you meant about "mind flicks"; like I asked in my response to you, what does that mean, is he feeling guilt or is his mind simply wandering? Knowing could be very helpful.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Holly
I've got quite a number of half-baked ideas...so I'll throw them all up and random order and see how we go.
>>He is pretty catholic and he has mentioned this as one of the things his mind flicks to during sex<<
I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that his mind flicks to being aware of the sin that he's committing with you. If he has had years and years of parental and church teachings telling him that he's sinning by being intimate with you while unmarried - then it's not something to be overcome lightly. This would likely be compounded by the fact that the two of you started having casual sex before forming an emotional bond. Despite what we read/hear in the media, many people can't do casual sex. Do you know EXACTLY what his religious issues are?
The performance anxiety is also a HUGE hurdle to overcome. Worrying about erectile dysfunction can kinda be a self fulfilling prophecy. He worries that it will happen and therefore it does.
I'm not so sure about the eye contact as a solution. If he doesn't do eye contact naturally, then I would suspect that he's not into eye contact during sex at all. For the record, I don't do eye contact in bed - and if I try to do it, it makes me so uncomfortable that I loose my arousal. Also for the record, eye contact (or lack there-of) has no reflection about how I feel about my partner.
You hinted at what I believed to be 'dirty talk' It could help - but only if he's into it. On the flip-side, it could push him back into the guilt thing.
Viagra could help overcome the symptoms - but it would leave the cause untreated. And it could compound issues because he may then become scared that he can't manage without it.
To sum up, I'm thinking that he may need some therapy....but I'm also thinking that this early in a relationship, his issues aren't that uncommon. And I'll second CL 2nd_life's suggestion about visiting the "Let's Talk About Sex" board. It would be a great place to also seek advice.
Does any of this help you?
Again, Thanks for your attention.
Aisha, you really think this kind of performance anxiety is normal a 28-year old at any stage of the relationship? I wouldn't agree with that at all, but that's just my thoughts. I do agree with you on the eye contact and talking dirty; if it's not something that turns you on, it'll be a libido killer.
And whatever will or won't help, it'll take his desire to make changes in order for anything to be affective.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
No Holly, it's me that's sorry. I somehow totally glossed over the sentence that Aisha pointed out, about his mind flicking to Catholic thoughts. Somehow, I read you to say his mind flicks but didn't see the bit about religion being one of the things he "flicks" to. That completely answers my question. I was thinking you were assuming he was thinking religion and thought it would be important to be more clear on that. YOU were clear, I just didn't pick it up, sorry!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
>>Aisha, you really think this kind of performance anxiety is normal a 28-year old at any stage of the relationship? I wouldn't agree with that at all, but that's just my thoughts<<
Ahh...I hate the word "normal" LOL.
I'm the first to admit that I'm no sex therapist - and that a qualified opinion would be far more accurate than mine. About the only thing that I can say for sure is that this isn't the first time I've heard of such an issue for a young man. However, I'll also admit that these boards can skew one's perception of what's 'normal'.
I've also had some late thoughts on the issue which could cause ED in a young man: it's the use of drugs and/or alcohol. Obesity could also cause it. And so could frequent masturbation. I've seen many, many posts where a man will masturbate daily and then have nothing left when it comes to sex with a partner.
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