Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal
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Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal
| Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:49pm |
So my new bf, 28, is having trouble in the sex department. He either goes off too fast or looses his erection. I havent brought it up, but he has, and says he has too much running through his head. Part guilt, part performance anxiety, he knows i have more experience than him. And he has been hurt in the past by women, this could also be contributing. I told him we could just wait until he feels more comfortable emotionally with the whole thing and he laughed and said that he really wants to and thats the problem. Anyway, I have some ideas about helping him deal with this, but i thought maybe you guys would have some suggestions too.
THANKS!!
THANKS!!

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Erectile dysfunction is common with men who have sex addiction problems, and frequent masturbators can (but don't necessarily) be a part of that group. Not only could it be that they don't have anything left for sex after frequent masturbation, but, as you know, frequent masturbation can make it difficult for your body to achieve orgasm through sex (as it becomes used to stimulation through masturbation), could it be that a man who's used to frequent masturbation could have difficulty maintaining an erection? It would seem possible/logical, but I'm not remotely sure it could be. I do know that Viagra is commonly used by men with sex addictions. They hide it from their women, but often have to take it in order to achieve orgasms with them. I would expect that's because their arousal is to the object of their addiction, rather than real sex with a real woman. Wish I knew more on the subject, but with kids in the house, I'm afraid to google the subject on the computer -- I could wind up with sex pop-ups forever!
Not that I'm the most experienced sex partner in the world (though I've had my share), the only young guy I've ever known of who had trouble achieving an erection was a drinking and using drugs; I expect his performance problems were a direct result of his use. Other than hearing about the very infrequent performance failures that we know can happen to any guy, the only men I've actually ever known of who had problems were at least in their 60's; they and their wives were quite happy when Viagra came on the scene.
I find it odd that the OP's boyfriend suffers from both ED and premature ejaculation (though we don't know how premature he is, she hasn't responded to that question yet). Are you surprised by that?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
>>could it be that a man who's used to frequent masturbation could have difficulty maintaining an erection? It would seem possible/logical, but I'm not remotely sure it could be.<<
Oh I think it's totally possible....at least, I've read about it literally countless times. If, say, he's already masturbated once or twice that day, his refractory period could easily prevent him from getting another erection with his girlfriend.
>>I find it odd that the OP's boyfriend suffers from both ED and premature ejaculation (though we don't know how premature he is, she hasn't responded to that question yet). Are you surprised by that?<<
Again, it's hard to know without more info. However, let me bounce this theory by you: Thinking about a hypothetical man who is a frequent masturbator and therefore has trouble reaching orgasm every time. Then imagine that on the occaisions that he CAN get there, he's so pleased to be able to do so that the doesn't hold back. (this would explain the premature ejaculation). But on the occaisions that he can't get there, he gets tired and looses interest - hence the ED.
Note to the O/P: This is pure speculation and I'm no longer specifically discussing your partner's issue.
Here's yet another theory. CONDOMS!! Because they are in a casual relationship, it would be fairly safe to assume that they're doing the right thing and having safe sex.
Speaking from experience, some men can have all sorts of trouble with the reduced sensitivity. (Though this would not explain the sometimes premature ejaculation)
I hope the O/P gives us a little more info so that we can stop all this speculating LOL
Yes, we are just talking about possibilities in sexual problems in general, rather than about your issue, Holly, and I thought about moving the discussion to another post so as not to hijack your post, but I think since we're talking about sexual problems/dysfunction in men it relates to your post and not only might be helpful/enlightening to you, it might even hit on your problem.
Aisha, my theory on masturbation and premature ejaculation would be totally opposite yours. I'd think when a guy masturbates, it's more about "getting there" than "enjoying the trip" (fast motions rather than slow ones) and as a result he'd be training himself to ejaculate more quickly.
Along the lines of what we've been talking about if (and it's a big if at this point) a guy was heavily into masturbation, I can see where he could have both ED and premature ejaculation problems.
**Note to Holly** Not that I'm saying this applies to your boyfriend, this is just speculation in general.
And with that, I've got to go to bed -- it's late!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
OKAY, sorry for not responding with more info, i had a good seven posts to catch up with. First of all from about post six or seven. The suggestion that drugs or alcohol could be a contributer. I have gone out with this guy to parties and he only ever has a couple of beers, doesnt smoke regular cigs, and i have yet to observe him around the gonga, but he teachs sixth grade and it doesnt really fit his persona.
next...(check my notes..) How early is he? Well early enough that he is embarrassed about it but not so early that it couldnt be considered a sin ;)
Also there was the too much masterbation thing. This is interesting, it may be an explanation, but if it is the case there is nothing much i can do. But again, it is not that he cant get a stiffy, its that he cant keep it.
As far as condoms, we use them, but this is not at the point of loosing the erection. The condoms help him to last a bit longer.
I hope I gave you all the info you asked for. Sorry i wasnt online last night to keep up with you!!
Thanks again for all the interest you have shown to my situation.
No problem on the time it took you to get back, Holly, I was afraid we'd scared you off by over talking the subject!
As far as premature ejaculation goes, it really would be helpful if you could give a more definite time. Knowing how seriously premature he is is all about time. Check the clock as you start to have sex and check it again when he's ejaculating. That'll give you a time frame. Please know I wasn't suggesting he was a drug user or an alcoholic, but I did want to toss it out there in case you hadn't been thinking about that.
Condoms will make him last longer, they reduce his sensitivity. I think Aisha was thinking about how some guys have *phobias* about condoms and being faced with having to use them can cause them to have erection problems.
Masturbation can cause him to have a problem getting an erection to sexual contact with you as his body may be being trained (by masturbating) to become aroused that way. If it becomes his *preferred* typical arousal method, he may have problems becoming aroused any other way. I would think, though, that he'd have to do quite a bit of masturbating for that to occur. (I'm certainly no expert there!) Do you have any idea how often he masturbates? Since it sounds like you've had conversations about his masturbation before you might offhandedly mention to him that you "read somewhere" that frequent masturbation can cause erection problems with a partner. Maybe he'll back off on his own!
Is he interested in resolving these problems? Has he seemed willing to find a solution? One more question: Does he use a lot of porn?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Time it? I would say beginning of penetration to end, 2-3 mins and often he will take brakes, or standup, to prolong it. I am not sure, i will get back to you after i have had a chance to time it.
He doesnt have trouble being arroused, it just seems like when we get to actually having sex, he can loose it, and he attributes this to whats going on in his head. (guilt/performance anxiety)
As far as porn, he doesnt have any physically sitting around, no maxim or anything as some guys may have lying about. But i know he has some porn on his computer, but i have no way of knowing how much. I just made a joke about it one day and he said he wouldnt deny that.
He is the one who started to talk about what was going on, so i know he has some interest in fixing it. He seems embarrassed about it and he seems to feel the need to reassure me that it isnt me. I imagine girls in the past have asked him it is was them.
>> I think Aisha was thinking about how some guys have *phobias* about condoms and being faced with having to use them can cause them to have erection problems.<<
Not a phobia, but an actual loss of sensitivty leading to inability to ejaculate. The man I'm thinking about certainly had no phobia about condoms - he just couldn't get there with one on. I remember this one time we were at it and he's said "hey this is a great condom...I can feel everything!" He did reach orgasm and when he pulled out we discovered that the condom had completely broken LOL.
However, it would appear that this is not the O/Ps problem.
I will sit happily with the advice I gave in my first post. And I would probably add that I believe that there is nothing the O/P can do about it. If her boyfriend wants to fix the problem, he has to actively seek answers. The doctor and/or a counseller would be a good place to start. Rule out physical issues and then address those Catholic demons.
Edited 4/6/2006 4:44 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
With regard to condoms and sensitivity, yes, exactly. I've understood for some time that condoms are suggested to assist in prolonging intercourse for the very reason you stated -- lowered sensitivity means it takes longer to get to ejaculation. The *phobia* I was referring to is probably better stated as *intimidation*. Some guys are intimidated by condoms, and concentration being on "condom fear" could definitely affect their erection!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Holly, two to three minutes is definitely in the premature category. When you add that to the ED problem he also faces, you're dealing with quite a lot of problem, and of two very differing types, IMO. What is he willing to do about the problem? What is he doing about the problem? You said he won't go to the doctor about it, but unfortunately, that's the first place he should go. The thing is that this is his problem and he has to take charge of dealing with it. Seeing a doctor would do one of two things, it would find a problem and correct it (no more problem, hooray!) or it would rule out a medical cause. At that point, the urologist would almost certainly have some suggestions to help the situation and yes, seeing a counselor or therapist would be a very good idea if guilt is part of this problem. If he isn't actively searching for solutions himself and refuses to see a doctor in order to know what might or might not be the cause of these two problems he has, he's choosing to let this continue to be a problem. And quite frankly, if he's not willing to do anything to resolve this problem, you should stop any attempt to find a solution yourself. If he won't take the time to try to resolve his own problem, you certainly shouldn't be doing it. That's true of any problem, not just a sexual one.
If he's not doing anything about this problem, it doesn't bode well for the future in any area, not just sex. Because, if his method in this is to avoid dealing with the problem rather than to try to resolve it, he's sure to do the same in any area of his life when a difficult problem or situation arises. Someone who avoids dealing with problems is not someone who makes a good partner, unless you life taking all the pressure, all the responsibility and making all the decisions. If he chooses to do nothing, he's also saying your sexual pleasure isn't that important to him, certainly not as important as avoiding the problem. If he's not interested in dealing with it, I'd not be interested in a relationship with him, not because the sex is unsatisfying, but because his method of dealing with problems is unacceptable.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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