Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Catholic Guilt-How to help him deal
22
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:49pm
So my new bf, 28, is having trouble in the sex department. He either goes off too fast or looses his erection. I havent brought it up, but he has, and says he has too much running through his head. Part guilt, part performance anxiety, he knows i have more experience than him. And he has been hurt in the past by women, this could also be contributing. I told him we could just wait until he feels more comfortable emotionally with the whole thing and he laughed and said that he really wants to and thats the problem. Anyway, I have some ideas about helping him deal with this, but i thought maybe you guys would have some suggestions too.
THANKS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:20am
I appreciate all the insight you have given to my situation. He does seem like he wants to work on it since he is the one who brings it up, and the more experience we have together the more his concern seems to be growing for pleasing me. The idea of a DR. has not come up, I dont think it would be appropriate for me to suggest it at this point since our relationship is so new, but I will give it a couple of months and see if anything changes, at that point it may be easier for me to suggest a DR without seeming like its a big problem for me. He seems convinced that it is in his head, and thus had me convinced to, but maybe you are right and a dr may be the thing. Also, if it is in his head, time might make him more comfortable with me, resulting in reduced performance anxiety and guilt. I agree with you that if he wanted to avoid dealing with the problem it would not be a good sign of things to come, but he is the one who wants to talk about it and who wants to know what he can do for me...(although he hasnt volunteered to help my sister move on the weekend...haha.. ;) )
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 3:48am

I agree that it is a good sign that he's the one who brings it up. I don't agree that it's not appropriate for you to suggest seeing a doctor. Quite honestly, if you're close enough to him to be sexually intimate, you should certainly be close enough to have a conversation. Really now, what's your excuse, that talking about seeing a doctor is too personal? What's more personal than the sex act? You strip down with the guy, I think you can talk about personal stuff ~lol! (And if you can't, you sure as heck shouldn't be having sex with him!)


So, the next time he mentions it (assuming you're not in bed, if so you'll have to put it off) say something like, "Have you considered seeing a urologist about it?" And the discussion begins.... If you're in the bedroom at the time, wait until you're out of the room, then bring it up, "You mentioned XXX (however he talks about the problem), have you considered going to the doctor about it?" If he says he hasn't you can ask him why, encourage him to check it out, ask if he's researched the problem, has any possible solutions, etc. Just be open, calm and normal about it. In that way you can be a part of the solution, or at least be a support to the solution; you're encouraging him and with your manner, showing him it's not a big deal to go to the doctor about it. Wherever this goes from here, he's your first source of how to deal with it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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