A Change of Heart? Help please :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
A Change of Heart? Help please :(
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 1:31pm

Hi everyone...

I have been struggling with this for quite some time now. My bf and I have been together for close to 5 years, and living together for over 4, we are both young enough i'm 25 and he's 31. Needless to say it has been a bumpy ride ~ from him lying to me about going on personals websites, to corresponding with other women behind my back to meet up without my knowledge. I've given him chance after chance after chance; because of lack of affection & attention towards me, I slipped and kissed another man a few months ago. I guess I finally got the attention I needed, and actually felt desired for the first time in years and I dropped the ball. It did not go further than a kiss. Anyway, I decided not to tell him about it, because our issues stem way further than that. We ended up taking a "break" in July, it was my call, which only lasted for a few days until I caved and came back. Since then he seems to be putting in some effort, but I can't get passed the fact that it could happen again. Our love life is also seriously lacking, in the sense that I can't even remember the last time we engaged in being intimate. It feels more like we are friends or roomates, than boyfriend & girlfriend. We still kiss (although they are really pathetic kisses) and say "i love you" but most of the time I'm not sure if I mean it, and I feel awful, I just want to cry. We've talked about it all of it before and we say we're going to try, but it always goes back to the same thing. The passion is just gone, and I'm scared that if it's like this now, how will it be in 2,5, or 10 years? It scares me to my very core. We are both leading seperate lives right now as he is super busy with work and I have been focusing on my studies for the past several months. I feel like our lives are heading in different directions, and I don't know if it is the stress from school or I'm just growing as person, but i just don't feel the same towards our relationship as I used to. He has never really told me in a concrete matter that he'd like to get married, he always dances around the subject and that makes me feel like even more of a fool ~ 5 years together and you still don't know? I'd be lying if I said I don't hold some resentment towards him for stringing me along like this...

I could really use some advice right now as i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. It doesn't help that I am living off of a student loan right now, and we live together at HIS place. I have nothing to call my own, as everything we have bought is together. My entire life has revolved around "us" for the past 5 years and I'm not sure how I can get past that... Advice would be greatly appreciated :-) Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 2:33pm

It's hard to say "throw it all away" however people don't really change over night. I can safely say in my relationships that intamacy is and was

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 3:07pm

Welcome to the board, Lovejunkie85 ~

~ cl-2nd_life

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 3:09pm

Frankly I don't know why you want to hold on to this relationship so hard when it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 10-06-2010 - 11:40pm

How much of this post does he honestly know about?

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink