Change in style

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Change in style
11
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 2:50pm

I have been with my husband for a little over 2 years, we are expecting our first child in June and things just seem to be getting stranger by the day. Our sex life is essentially non existant and whenever I try to bring it up or see if its the pregnancy belly that is turning him off - he tells me no. He is not very affectionate with me anymore and often prefers to sleep on the couch than in the bed with me.

He is somewhat of a flirt and I've always known that about him - it never used to bother me- but now I feel suspicious of all the text messages (from the same people as before) mostly other women (supposed friends). When I question him about them - he tells me there is nothing going on.

I guess my concern is that he was married twice before and both marraiges ended because his spouse cheated on him (or so I have been told) is it possible that he would be cheating on me? Even emotionally cheating and then lying to me when I try to discuss it with him? Or is just the hormones that are making me crazy?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:56pm

Hi mommamonkey. Congrats on your pregnancy!

I wouldn't make the assumption that he's cheating on you - because there are many causes of lost libido. Here's a link that I've just found which details 9 different causes http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT03/05/05/17/ALT03050517-01.html

At this stage, I think that you should apologise to him for suspecting him of cheating. And stop questioning him about the texts. However, do press on him the need for the two of you to discuss the lost libido and him sleeping alone.

PS another cause of lost libido and sleeping on the sofa that is not mentioned would be a wife that openly doesn't trust you and asks about your text messages. It's possible that your reactions are exacerbating the situation.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:58pm

While Aisha is right and there could be many causes of lost libido, including nagging about text messages, this would bother me a lot too. Do you see the text messages or does he hide/delete them or refuse to let you see his phone? Were these friends prior to marriage or more recent friends? If he doesn't know why he has lost his libido (is it a rather significant drop-off or was it tapering prior?) how open is he to the idea of trying to find out what is wrong? How receptive is he to your feelings on the matter? Is he sleeping on the couch because he's avoiding sex or is there another reason he's giving you for that? How old is he?

It could be that the stress of impending fatherhood is really wearing on him. As women we get really excited to be moms and the most terrifying thing to us is thinking of pushing the baby out. Dad's have it rougher than that and it could be that he is really scared and doesn't know how to handle it.

I'll check back for more answers... :)

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:14am

...and even more questions!


I'm more concerned about the text messaging than Aisha is, but I need more information. I have a few other questions as well:
Are these women friends of his people you know? Has the frequency of sex changed a lot or has it always been minimal? Why does he prefer to sleep on the couch? Has he always done this? You say he's a flirt, what do you mean by that, specifically, what does he do? How long did you date before marrying him?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 6:59pm

Hey everyone,

Thanks for replying. Let me see if I can answer some more questions. He started sleeping on the couch just about the time we found out we were pregnant. We knew each other for three years before we got married. Often times he will deny or hide the text messages. Mostly they are from women he knew prior to our getting married, old customers, old girlfriends, coworkers etc.
For the first year or so libido was great - then down to three days a week or so - then after about 8weeks of pregnancy I had to initiate intimacy, then it was once a week - now nothing for a couple of months. But - he faithfully reads Playboy and hides his porno dvds in a cabinet over the tv. While I am far from a priss - he never openly admitts to watching them since we've been married. I've just learned not to get upset about it about it anymore.

I love him and trust him and I don't harp on him about the texts - It just bothers me. I have tried to have several heart to hearts with him in regard to what't been going on with our emotional and physical state and how I feel, he usually tells me to stop overthinking things and that there is nothing wrong - that he just gets tired and falls asleep on the couch.

Today we went for the baby's ultrasound (its a girl) and I was in the passenger side of his truck - pulled down the vanity mirror to put on my lipstick and a dove chocolate wrapper came floating out. It's the one with the messages in it - it said hug someone daily. When I asked him where that came from - he tried to tell me that I put it up there. I maybe pregnant and a little forgetful, but there was no way that I did that -
He immediately got defensive insisted I put it up there and that no one (male or female) has been in the truck. Funny because he carpools with a coworker several days a week.

I am feeling like I may never get an answer from him - at least not the truth.

Should I just deal with it and trust - or should I honestly be concerned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:58pm

It sounds to me more like you want to trust him than what your actual trust level is, and I can't say that I blame you. What you're saying here is that he's evasive about and hides the messages he receives from women and frankly, that's pretty suspicious. If the relationships are platonic and innocent, why would he need to hide anything? Then there's the candy wrapper. Obviously someone was in the passenger seat and stuck it up there. I doubt he'd lean across and stick it there himself and the fact that he'd insist no one's been in the truck when you know others have been and then try to convince you that you put it there isn't too cool either. The lies he's telling are like the lies of a small child, saying anything to try and hide the truth, even though what he's saying doesn't make sense. I know I asked this before, but I'm going to ask it again. Are these women friends of his people you have met? Do you socialize with them, do they call your home and talk to him? Here are a few articles that might help:
list of possible signs of cheating
Signs of Cheating
I've got to tell you I rarely post those articles, I don't like 'em, feel like they're looking for trouble. But in your case, you have good reason to b suspicious and maybe the articles will outline more behavior that you hadn't put together as being "cheating" criteria. Do you know anything more about his ex's? Is it possible for you to make contact with either of them to hear their side of the story? I ask because in your first post your wording seemed to suggest you weren't at all sure that what he'd told you was accurate.


I think it's pretty clear that something's going on. He stopped sleeping in your bed four months ago, is hardly ever interested in sex anymore and you can't get a straight answer out of him about anything. I'm reaching here, but is it possible that he's using porn a lot more than you think he is? If he has an addiction problem he could be sleeping on the couch to view and "take care of himself", he'd hide it because he wouldn't want you to know. Those who are addicted to porn wind up preferring porn to real sex with their partner. That doesn't explain the hidden, lied about text messages from women (unless they're porn chat type things). This article might (or might not):
Is My Partner a Sex Addict? help


I don't know how you can "deal with it and not be concerned", obviously you are concerned -- and you have good reason to be. What I hear is you thinking this situation isn't right, you ask him and the answers he gives you don't really make sense, but you want to believe him so you try to resolve it in your head. What I know is that when explanations don't make sense there's a reason for it: it's not because you just don't get it, your dense or you have a hard time understanding people, it's because they simply don't make sense. Do you usually have a hard time understanding people or accepting explanations for things? My guess is no. You have a hard time understanding and accepting when the explanation you're being fed doesn't make sense. You're trying to figure out why you don't get it when the truth is you can't get it because it's bull. Been through enough of that myself.


You're in a tough spot. Clearly, you know something's going on but you don't seem to feel there's much chance of getting truth or honestly out of him. If it were me I would be pushing for some real answers and I would not accept anything that didn't sound valid or true to me. Even then, if he simply won't give it up, you can't force him, but you can let him know that you don't buy the lines he's giving you and you aren't going to accept his dishonesty forever. You can also let him know that while you can work through any problem that he admits, the longer he hides them the more damage is done and the less chance for working through anything there is. But to accept what he says and let it go? I wouldn't do that.

Let me know what you think, okay? And congratulations on your girl!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 1/27/2006 12:00 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:59am

Always trust yourself. If you think things are funny or off or whatever, then they are.

I agree with CL, maybe he has a bigger porn problem than just light using. And hiding the texts, well, that is a HUGE issue.

You are being fed a line of bull. Don't just swallow it. I know how hard it is to deal with trust issues when you are pg... It's a time when you should be happy and working together to anticipate the birth of your child, not dealing with crap from your H. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of it.

Congrats on your girl! They are wonderful. :)

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 11:08am

Thanks so much for your advise. The one question I guess I forgot to answer was about whether on not I know these text message girls the answer is not really. I met the one at a bar about a year ago for a second and the others no - they were "friends" before he and I met. None of them are people we hang out with - they NEVER call or come by the house. I beleive that most of them are platonic - but I have seen some of them e-mail or text him provocative pictures of themselves. Two inparticular - are younger than we are and I just give them the benefit of being stupid as they are in their early 20s.

The ex wives - no - no chance on talking with them - i would have no idea where to find them as they both live in Florida and he has had no contact with either one of them in years. The one ex-girlfriend is one of the text message girls. when I ask him about her and whether he talks to her or sees her he always tells me no- even though I have seen her messages to him.

He is always home at night - unless he is over at a friend of ours where they restore classic cars- so I doubt there is any real cheating going on - but all these other things just seems suspicious to me.

I had plenty of male friends and customers before we met that i used to talk to - but that is rare now - and 9 times out of 10 when I do see them- or talk to them - I tell him about it.

I am hoping that one of these days he will just open up and tell me what the deal is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 2:43pm

Ex-wives? Just how many are there? And how old is he to have more than 1?

I also have to ask, is this his first child? Did you two plan or was this a surprise pg?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 12:11pm

Jen,

He is 33 and I am 30. This is his/our first child. He was married shortly right out of high school and it ended. Then married again to a woman who was divorced 2xs with 4 kids, they were divorced after 2 years of marraige - she apparently found a boyfriend and left him. He has no other children - this was very much a surprise - we were planning on starting a family September 06 - so we were off a year :)

Things seem to be ok now - maybe I am just over exaggerating things in my head or he is hiding it better since the candy wrapper incident.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:45pm

Hugs to you MM2006,


I think you are in a precarious position.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

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