Chatting sexy messages, flirting online - same as cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Chatting sexy messages, flirting online - same as cheating?
6
Wed, 09-05-2012 - 5:22pm

My fiance and I have been together for about 3-1/2 years and I have had trust issues almost from the very beginning because of his behavior.  When we were dating (first 3-6 months), he would flirt with bartenders, google-eye other women while we were out, etc.   I pretty much felt invisible much of the time.   I put my foot down with that and then found out he was texting (probably sexting) other women.  Since then, I have found emails and chat messages where he is calling other women sexy, asking if they are naked, etc.  I was devastated and when I confronted him, he said he was just joking around, that's how he jokes.  Right.

He has been so different in the last four months.  I finally felt I truly trusted him again and our relationship had reached a much different, higher plateau.  His behavior is completely different from the beginning, very respectful, attentive.  I felt content for the first time in our relationship.  

Unfortunately last week, I found a chat mail to his first love in high school.  He saw her about 1-1/2 - 2 years ago and proceeded to tell her in the email how he wished he would have brought her upstairs for a "quickie" that day.  This is probably the fourth or fifth time he had done this type of thing, knowing how much it hurt me before. Stupid question...Do you think that he can be trusted?....ever?  He says he's never cheated on me, and I had to explain to him that this IS cheating, although a different type.  Am I right?  I'm tired of being disrespected this way.  Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012

You're so welcome-I'm glad it was helpful! I'll continue to pray for you guys...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
No, I have come to that conclusion. I am the type that always wants to trust again, to see the best in a person, that they can change, but 3-1/2 years of waiting is ridiculous and I don't want it to turn into 20! And thank you also gardensparrow, your advice was very insightful. I will get the book right away. If nothing else comes from this experience, it will be a great lesson and an opportunity to learn who I am and why I attract this type of relationship and put up with the nonsense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012

Ugh...I'm sorry your facing this situation with your fiance. I don't blame you for wanting some help in dealing with your concerns and I certainly think it's important that a couple be committed only to eachother and avoid questionable interactions with the opposite-sex when at all possible. Additionally, I think it's crucial to deal with these issues of trust before you guys tie the knot. So, I'd suggest the two of you consider some premarital counseling if you decide to move forward with this relationship. I think a counselor could help you get to the bottom of your fiance's behavior and help you determine whether this is a deal breaker for your potential marriage. Lastly, it might be helpful for you and your fiance to take a look at the book Hedges by Jerry B. Jenkins. I've come across it while at Focus on the Family and I know It talks about a lot of what your brought up and how to protect your relationship from issues like these. So, just FYI. Well, I'll be praying that you'll know the right path to take here!