Cheating Behavior or Selfish Behavior?

Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Cheating Behavior or Selfish Behavior?
14
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 2:13pm

I've never posted here before but needed to pose my question to a group where someone may have had a similar experience.

Brief history: DH was married when I met him. When I found that out I said I wasn't interested but he told me he was going through a divorce. 1 1/2 years later I find out he's still married. (I know, I felt like the biggest fool.) Upon me finding out he immediately moved out, I decided to give him another chance and we ended up getting married a few years later. We've been married for 5 years and most of it has been pretty rough. We eventually went to counseling (mainly because we have 2 small children - I feel I need to try to work it out for their sake) for six months (we just stopped in April) because things seemed to be getting better.

So, is he cheating? He goes out twice a week without fail. Sometimes 3 times. Most of the time he's telling me he has to go out with a customer, but not always. We recently moved further away from his work so lately he'll call me and tell me he's staying with a friend because he doesn't want to drive all the way home after drinking too much. I'm pretty sure I can establish that he has a drinking problem and maybe that's really all this is. I get no weird calls and have found no evidence. The problem is he is very good at lying and the fact is, he did this when he was married before - with me! I just didn't know it at the time. I don't know if his wife had suspicions or not but he spent most of his weeknights with me (sometimes all night, sometimes until midnight or so, not as many weekends). This is when he goes out now, mainly during the week. He has sworn many times he'd never cheat on me - not that I ask him or confront him. Many times though, he has accused me of cheating - even though I rarely go out! It's so annoying. He's the one who has broken trust so many times by lying to me. Anyway.....

I don't know, maybe I'm just hoping he's having an affair - it would be an "easy" way out of my marriage at this point. It's sad that it wouldn't hurt me to know he was cheating. It would piss me off for investing more time than I should have, but it wouldn't hurt me.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 6:01pm
Wow - I have to tell you that I got chills when reading about your situation with your ex. There are so many similarities. You must understand so well what I'm feeling. I don't have much time to post now, have to leave work, but wanted you to know that your links were great. Especially the first link to the verbal abuse website - you're not crazy. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I am. What an excellent site. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the time you put into your post. It is going to help me immensely. And thanks for your invitation to email you. I may take you up on that. Have a great weekend!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 4:37pm
I'm inclined to say yes-- and even more so because he did the same exact thing to his ex, no doubt probably with the same exact lines. I know you know he is cheating too, and honestly I don't know why you are waiting for some kind of "proof" when you have all that you need. He is still the same person that you married- a cheating, lying man.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 11:11pm
You know he's a cheater cause he cheated with you. Chances are based on his past behaviour and his regular overnight absences, he's cheating again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:29am

Yep, I do understand what you're feeling. I know how confusing it can all be, how you begin to doubt yourself and, since these guys all seem so great and wonderful to everyone on the outside, you begin to wonder if it really isn't you after all.


If you have friends and family that you can talk to and who know your situation, you're miles ahead. I had backed myself away (embarrassed, afraid of outbursts, etc.) that I was the only one who knew what was going on. Being able to talk about it, keeping it in the open helps keep you from getting buried in it, if that makes any sense, and I'm not sure it does.


Knock on my door anytime, either here or via email, whichever you feel is more appropriate and are more comfortable with. cl-2nd_life@comcast.net








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