Cheating or making too big a deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Cheating or making too big a deal
15
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:23pm

My husband and I have been married 24 years and have 1 child (in college) and we were high school sweethearts. In the summer 2003, my husband told me that he had been seeing this other woman for several months. He assured me that he never had sex with her or did anything intimate with her. He said they were only friends and he just needed someone to talk to. He has told me all these years that they only went out to lunch together and (my husband owns his own construction business) she went with him a couple of times to get equipment parts. The problem is when they went to lunch they always ate in his truck and parked on a virtually deserted road that was not traveled by too many people. But I found out this summer that they were seen (when they were on this road) in a position a little too close. All these years, I believed him when he said nothing happend between them, but now after what I found out this summer, I just don't know what to believe. He started seeing her in 2002, the whole time he was seeing her, I did not suspect anything was going on. His actions towards me did not change. The only reason he told me was her husband found out and he wanted me to hear if from him. At that time, we were not getting along very well and he said that I had a bad attitude towards him. That no matter what he did for me, it was never enough. That I tried to control him. He said he needed someone to talk to. It has been three years since he told me about this and I am still having problems dealing with the so called "affair." He has not seen or had any contact with her since 2003. We both want the marriage to work, and our marriage seems to be better now and we do seem to be closer to each other, but I have a hard time dealing with his betrayal and will not let it go. He says I am making too much out of it. He realizes that he hurt me by seeing her, but he thinks I should not talk about it. I am not sure that I believe him when he said he never had sex with her. I am very hurt that he hurt me so bad. I love him very much and want to stay with him, but I don't know if I can move forward and try to forgive him. I just can not understand that if he loved me then way hurt me this way. Every time I try talk to him about what he done, he says that I am trying to start a fight. All I want to do is understand why he did this. He said he never stopped loving me then why did he have to have her. I hope someone can help me understand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:51pm

A counselor would be the best person to help you understand.

(((Hugs)))

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 2:00am
No, Mrsgilbert, you are not making too much of this and yes, it is very easy to understand why you can't just "let this go". Like you said, you've been betrayed, your trust has been shattered. That creates a big hole that doesn't just disappear and doesn't heal by being ignored. I recognize that you haven't posted a lot of detail, so I may be wrong, but it appears that your husband's approach is to ignore it, forget it, brush it under the rug. "It's over and done with so there's no need to hash it up" seems to be how he wants to deal with it. I'm assuming that's the way he's always dealt with it; I'm betting you never dealt with it honestly and completely, I'm betting that shortly after it was first disclosed he felt discussion should be closed on the subject. And why not? It's certainly not a pleasant subject for him, he'd just as soon forget it than to have to face it. The thing is, until it's faced and dealt with (yes, even now) it won't be resolved or healed. Silence is the worst thing you can do, it allows it to fester rather than to be dealt with and healed. How can your confidence, trust and belief be rebuilt if the problem isn't faced and dealt with? He's not just damaged you, he's damaged your marriage and your relationship. There's a lot to heal. I can understand why you'd have trouble believing that he never was physical with her, first of all, with what you've learned it sounds like he likely was, and secondly, how can you believe what he's told you when you've learned that he's lied to you?


I know you know this too, but talking to another woman is never a good idea when you're having problems in your marriage. In order to work on the problems in your marriage, you have to be talking to your wife and/or seek a counselor to help resolve the problems, but talking to another woman doesn't help the issues, it distracts from working on them, it creates more distance and more problems. Your husband saying that he turned to her because you had a bad attitude towards him sounds like a way for him to shift the blame for this affair onto you. It's possible you played a part, but you are not responsible for him choosing to do what he did; he had the option to work on the issues with you. Finding a "friend" was his choice and his alone.

There are some articles in our Information and Resources section that should help you see that how you're feeling is completly understandable and expected:

Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?


I really urge that you and your husband see a counselor who is accredited in a field of couples counseling to help you and your husband work through this issue. It won't just go away; the effects of betrayal are devastating and are carried with people for the rest of their lives if it's not dealt with and resolved. You need that resolution so that you can move forward without it. You deserve to find trust, faith and belief in your husband again and you won't find it without help.










~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:49pm

msgilbert,


<<We both want the marriage to work, and our marriage seems to be better now and we do seem to be closer to each other, but I have a hard time dealing with his betrayal and will not let it go.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 4:30pm
Hey, 13 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart then found out he had had 3 gf during that time. My leopard never changed his spots. His new "live in" is finding out that if he will do it with you, he will do it too you. When I found out about gf #1, he bought me a new house for a fresh new start..ya,right! #2 gf, he bought me a new car...ya,right! #3 gf, I called it quits.He shows up at my new home with a diamond ring and wants to start from scratch! I moved on with my life.I could not take the "I'll never do it again" or "I will never see her again" sentences!!
You sound like an awesome lady and a great mother. I see you saying "he assurred me", I love him,...what about what you say to yourself? I could have wrote your message.Please love yourself enough to do whats best for you... and you will know what that is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 9:00am
I know I did not do all the right things, say all the right things, and I have admittd to him that I wasn't the best person, but I did not give up on our marriage. He did. He had no respect for me. All he thought about at the time was hisself, not is son or his wife. We talked last night about this and he does not understand I have to keep going over and over this. He said he has already told me everything several times. I am handicapped, and all my life (I am 42) I have felt or been treated like I was different by people (even today), and when he was interested in me in high school (when no other boys were) it made me feel like I am worthy of someone. And then he throws me to the trash to go to another woman, well right now my self esteem is pretty low. I do not think much of myself. When we were talking last night, I tried to explain that when he told me about her in 2003, I believe him that he did not have sex with her. And then (as you read) this summer I found out they were in his truck in a position a little to close. I feel like he shared his feelings, thoughts, told her our problems, etc. and then to think that he touched her in ways he touched me, that she now has everything that I do. I at least wanted to have the sex that was all mine. He says that the issue of whether he had sex with her or not is the whole issue, but I disgree. I hate to think that I could not make him happy and she could, and yes, I think sex is very special and it seems to me like it does not matter to him. He says the sex was good with me then and now. So right now I don't know what to believe. I want to believe him, because I want our marriage to work, but I just don't know how to forgive and forget. Am I wrong in thinking that sex should mean more to him. I feel like it doesn't matter to him. That he doesn't care who he has sex with. That it's just an act you go through.
Avatar for paulibee
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:04am

I would imagine that if these would have happened to me I would be acting the same or worst than you, however I have listened a psiquiatrist a lot, who counsels people on troubled relationships and I came to the conclusion that it would all depend on what you want, do you want this marriage to work? then, you must forgive and stop talking about it completely. You would never forget, but bringing it out constantly to your husband would not help you heal at all, in that case it is better to break it up. Now, if you are concerned because you don't know the whole truth, just think about it, what if he really got intimate with that woman, would that make you feel any better? would that make you leave him? is that what you want? I would assumed he did get involved phisicly with her (it is hard to imagine a man alone with a women in a deserted place where they both showed interest,not making up), he is liying to you because he doesn't want to loose what he has, he has always mind about you, but he felt neglected and unimportant (bad, bad feelings, cause of depression, suicide, stress, alcohol, etc)... If I were you and I want to stay married I would let him know that I would never believe that nothing happened, I would promise to try to keep the subject off our conversations because it hurts our relationship even more, but I would make sure he knows that I didn't expect to marry a cheater or to share my husband so I will only forgive once. If you have a young child it may be worth working it up.
I would not consider the affair as not caring for you, not loving you or not respecting you.. all marriages go up and down in love don't you think?.
Good luck!
Stay strong!!

PS: forgive my poor grammatics or spelling, english is not my native language.Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 8:45am
I understand that I should let it go. But how can we go on, if I know he is lying to me about the extent of their relationship. I just wish I knew for sure whether he had sex with her or not. Would it make me feel any better if I knew? No, but at least I would know. If he didn't want to lose what he had (me) then why did he have to go to her? He should have thought about losing me then. It tears me up not knowing and it hurts me that he will not be honest with me. I have tried to let it go. As you read, this happened with the two of them 2002 and (I guess some in 2003) he told me about it July 4th weekend in 2003, but everytime I try to let it go, something or someone always throws it back up in my face. I never told my family about this and they just found out in May, so my sister-in-law came and told me they knew. Well that is embarrassing to me so, there it was again. Then I found out they were seen in a position too close (which he said he told me, but I think I would have remembered that) and then it brought it all back up again. She was fired from the bank where she worked at in May of this year for emblessment and apparently she has said she stole the money to help her boyfriend who owns a construction business. So now I get told that the FBI may be contacting me about this. And then there it is brought back up again. So you see, I try to forget it, but no one will let me. Plus I guess I am so MAD at my H for doing this to me. I feel like I did nothing wrong, but I seem to be the one who is at fault in this situation. I know my H did not take money from her because they have not seen each other since they broke it off. I just feel so humiliated. I know I should not care what people think but we live is a small town and I know people see me and are laughing that I am such a fool for not leaving him. I want to stay with him, but I just don't know how it get over this. If my H tells me he has always loved me, then all I can think is no you didn't, if you did you would not have done this to me. I don't want those things to keep running through my mind every time he says something. I guess I doubt what he says now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:50am

I agree with this, but ONLY if this was something (that he'd actually cheated) that she had known for 3 years and just couldn't drop. We're talking a couple of months. She HAS to be able to talk about it in order to get over it.

Jen





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:49pm
I agree with you, Jen. No mental health professional would advocate stuffing your feelings and "getting over it" as a right or healthy way of dealing with a betrayal. Whether the man physically betrayed her or not, he certainly betrayed her trust in him and in their marriage as well as the vows he took. That is nothing little to get over, betrayal and trust issues will affect the rest of your life if not dealt with. I hope she seeks a therapist to help her deal with the very real issues this has caused.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:09pm
I don't see her attitude as a betrayal. It's an issue of standards and needed to be hashed out within the relationship. Sounds like they needed counseling. He however ran to another woman and had an emotional affair and only told her because the other woman's husband was going to.

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