Cheating or making too big a deal
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| Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:23pm |
My husband and I have been married 24 years and have 1 child (in college) and we were high school sweethearts. In the summer 2003, my husband told me that he had been seeing this other woman for several months. He assured me that he never had sex with her or did anything intimate with her. He said they were only friends and he just needed someone to talk to. He has told me all these years that they only went out to lunch together and (my husband owns his own construction business) she went with him a couple of times to get equipment parts. The problem is when they went to lunch they always ate in his truck and parked on a virtually deserted road that was not traveled by too many people. But I found out this summer that they were seen (when they were on this road) in a position a little too close. All these years, I believed him when he said nothing happend between them, but now after what I found out this summer, I just don't know what to believe. He started seeing her in 2002, the whole time he was seeing her, I did not suspect anything was going on. His actions towards me did not change. The only reason he told me was her husband found out and he wanted me to hear if from him. At that time, we were not getting along very well and he said that I had a bad attitude towards him. That no matter what he did for me, it was never enough. That I tried to control him. He said he needed someone to talk to. It has been three years since he told me about this and I am still having problems dealing with the so called "affair." He has not seen or had any contact with her since 2003. We both want the marriage to work, and our marriage seems to be better now and we do seem to be closer to each other, but I have a hard time dealing with his betrayal and will not let it go. He says I am making too much out of it. He realizes that he hurt me by seeing her, but he thinks I should not talk about it. I am not sure that I believe him when he said he never had sex with her. I am very hurt that he hurt me so bad. I love him very much and want to stay with him, but I don't know if I can move forward and try to forgive him. I just can not understand that if he loved me then way hurt me this way. Every time I try talk to him about what he done, he says that I am trying to start a fight. All I want to do is understand why he did this. He said he never stopped loving me then why did he have to have her. I hope someone can help me understand.

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A counselor would be the best person to help you understand.
(((Hugs)))
Jen
I know you know this too, but talking to another woman is never a good idea when you're having problems in your marriage. In order to work on the problems in your marriage, you have to be talking to your wife and/or seek a counselor to help resolve the problems, but talking to another woman doesn't help the issues, it distracts from working on them, it creates more distance and more problems. Your husband saying that he turned to her because you had a bad attitude towards him sounds like a way for him to shift the blame for this affair onto you. It's possible you played a part, but you are not responsible for him choosing to do what he did; he had the option to work on the issues with you. Finding a "friend" was his choice and his alone.
There are some articles in our Information and Resources section that should help you see that how you're feeling is completly understandable and expected:
Getting Over an AffairHealing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?
I really urge that you and your husband see a counselor who is accredited in a field of couples counseling to help you and your husband work through this issue. It won't just go away; the effects of betrayal are devastating and are carried with people for the rest of their lives if it's not dealt with and resolved. You need that resolution so that you can move forward without it. You deserve to find trust, faith and belief in your husband again and you won't find it without help.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
msgilbert,
<<We both want the marriage to work, and our marriage seems to be better now and we do seem to be closer to each other, but I have a hard time dealing with his betrayal and will not let it go.
Defleppardgal
You sound like an awesome lady and a great mother. I see you saying "he assurred me", I love him,...what about what you say to yourself? I could have wrote your message.Please love yourself enough to do whats best for you... and you will know what that is.
I would imagine that if these would have happened to me I would be acting the same or worst than you, however I have listened a psiquiatrist a lot, who counsels people on troubled relationships and I came to the conclusion that it would all depend on what you want, do you want this marriage to work? then, you must forgive and stop talking about it completely. You would never forget, but bringing it out constantly to your husband would not help you heal at all, in that case it is better to break it up. Now, if you are concerned because you don't know the whole truth, just think about it, what if he really got intimate with that woman, would that make you feel any better? would that make you leave him? is that what you want? I would assumed he did get involved phisicly with her (it is hard to imagine a man alone with a women in a deserted place where they both showed interest,not making up), he is liying to you because he doesn't want to loose what he has, he has always mind about you, but he felt neglected and unimportant (bad, bad feelings, cause of depression, suicide, stress, alcohol, etc)... If I were you and I want to stay married I would let him know that I would never believe that nothing happened, I would promise to try to keep the subject off our conversations because it hurts our relationship even more, but I would make sure he knows that I didn't expect to marry a cheater or to share my husband so I will only forgive once. If you have a young child it may be worth working it up.
I would not consider the affair as not caring for you, not loving you or not respecting you.. all marriages go up and down in love don't you think?.
Good luck!
Stay strong!!
PS: forgive my poor grammatics or spelling, english is not my native language.Paula
I agree with this, but ONLY if this was something (that he'd actually cheated) that she had known for 3 years and just couldn't drop. We're talking a couple of months. She HAS to be able to talk about it in order to get over it.
Jen
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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