Cheating or making too big a deal
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:23pm |
My husband and I have been married 24 years and have 1 child (in college) and we were high school sweethearts. In the summer 2003, my husband told me that he had been seeing this other woman for several months. He assured me that he never had sex with her or did anything intimate with her. He said they were only friends and he just needed someone to talk to. He has told me all these years that they only went out to lunch together and (my husband owns his own construction business) she went with him a couple of times to get equipment parts. The problem is when they went to lunch they always ate in his truck and parked on a virtually deserted road that was not traveled by too many people. But I found out this summer that they were seen (when they were on this road) in a position a little too close. All these years, I believed him when he said nothing happend between them, but now after what I found out this summer, I just don't know what to believe. He started seeing her in 2002, the whole time he was seeing her, I did not suspect anything was going on. His actions towards me did not change. The only reason he told me was her husband found out and he wanted me to hear if from him. At that time, we were not getting along very well and he said that I had a bad attitude towards him. That no matter what he did for me, it was never enough. That I tried to control him. He said he needed someone to talk to. It has been three years since he told me about this and I am still having problems dealing with the so called "affair." He has not seen or had any contact with her since 2003. We both want the marriage to work, and our marriage seems to be better now and we do seem to be closer to each other, but I have a hard time dealing with his betrayal and will not let it go. He says I am making too much out of it. He realizes that he hurt me by seeing her, but he thinks I should not talk about it. I am not sure that I believe him when he said he never had sex with her. I am very hurt that he hurt me so bad. I love him very much and want to stay with him, but I don't know if I can move forward and try to forgive him. I just can not understand that if he loved me then way hurt me this way. Every time I try talk to him about what he done, he says that I am trying to start a fight. All I want to do is understand why he did this. He said he never stopped loving me then why did he have to have her. I hope someone can help me understand.

Pages
I'm not sure if you read the articles I posted for you before or not. I hope you have, they address your feelings pretty well and let you know that what you're feeling is understandable, reasonable, and normal in this situation, whether he physically betrayed you or not. I'll remind you again too, no matter what he did or didn't do, he most certainly betrayed you and the vows of your marriage by sharing with her things he should only be sharing with you - words, touch, whatever. Betrayal is more than just physical. You said you're "trying to get over it", but the thing is, you can't "just get over it", it doesn't work that way. You need help to get through this so it doesn't become a permanent scar, deeply embedded. Please see a therapist to help you deal with the issues this has caused, trying to "get over it" on your own will only cause more (and more permanent) pain and damage to you. Please don't let that happen, you deserve so much better than that.
Another iVillage board that would be very helpful to you in the way of support and understanding is the Betrayed Spouses Support, whether you post or just lurk you'll gain, but know it won't take the place of seeing a therapist, that's very important for you. You deserve to be healed from this hurt and that's the place you'll find relief that will be lasting. Huge hugs, Msgilbert ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Pages