Cheating or making too big a deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Cheating or making too big a deal
15
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 1:23pm

My husband and I have been married 24 years and have 1 child (in college) and we were high school sweethearts. In the summer 2003, my husband told me that he had been seeing this other woman for several months. He assured me that he never had sex with her or did anything intimate with her. He said they were only friends and he just needed someone to talk to. He has told me all these years that they only went out to lunch together and (my husband owns his own construction business) she went with him a couple of times to get equipment parts. The problem is when they went to lunch they always ate in his truck and parked on a virtually deserted road that was not traveled by too many people. But I found out this summer that they were seen (when they were on this road) in a position a little too close. All these years, I believed him when he said nothing happend between them, but now after what I found out this summer, I just don't know what to believe. He started seeing her in 2002, the whole time he was seeing her, I did not suspect anything was going on. His actions towards me did not change. The only reason he told me was her husband found out and he wanted me to hear if from him. At that time, we were not getting along very well and he said that I had a bad attitude towards him. That no matter what he did for me, it was never enough. That I tried to control him. He said he needed someone to talk to. It has been three years since he told me about this and I am still having problems dealing with the so called "affair." He has not seen or had any contact with her since 2003. We both want the marriage to work, and our marriage seems to be better now and we do seem to be closer to each other, but I have a hard time dealing with his betrayal and will not let it go. He says I am making too much out of it. He realizes that he hurt me by seeing her, but he thinks I should not talk about it. I am not sure that I believe him when he said he never had sex with her. I am very hurt that he hurt me so bad. I love him very much and want to stay with him, but I don't know if I can move forward and try to forgive him. I just can not understand that if he loved me then way hurt me this way. Every time I try talk to him about what he done, he says that I am trying to start a fight. All I want to do is understand why he did this. He said he never stopped loving me then why did he have to have her. I hope someone can help me understand.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 7:23pm
ok well this is kind of a stick situation. if your husband says that he didn't then he probably didn't. it's been 3 years and he hasn't made any contact with this women, that's a really good thing. sometimes guys need to talk to someone other than their wives about certain problems in their relationship. sorta vent about them. so i wouldn't worry about it too much anymore. it sounds like you and your husband really want this marriage to work, and you may be hurting it by bringing stuff from the past up. that's my 2 cents on the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:22pm
Why should I believe is word that he didn't. He never told me that he was seeing her. He lied to me about not touching her in any way, so just because he said he didn't have sex with I should believe him. If he wanted to talk to someone he should have talked to one of his male friends if he needed to vent, not a female and especially spend time with her and keep it from me if he loves me like he said he did and does. Well I don't know what I believe, but I am trying to get over it and keep our marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:25am
Msgilbert, you're exactly right, you have no reason to trust or believe in what he says, he's proven to you that he's not trustworthy, not in this situation most certainly. What you know is he told you things before and they ended up not to be true, how can you cast that aside and "believe" him again? You can't. Not if you're an intelligent, rational person. It doesn't work that way. Knowing that the author of the last response you got was 18 might help you to understand her POV.


I'm not sure if you read the articles I posted for you before or not. I hope you have, they address your feelings pretty well and let you know that what you're feeling is understandable, reasonable, and normal in this situation, whether he physically betrayed you or not. I'll remind you again too, no matter what he did or didn't do, he most certainly betrayed you and the vows of your marriage by sharing with her things he should only be sharing with you - words, touch, whatever. Betrayal is more than just physical. You said you're "trying to get over it", but the thing is, you can't "just get over it", it doesn't work that way. You need help to get through this so it doesn't become a permanent scar, deeply embedded. Please see a therapist to help you deal with the issues this has caused, trying to "get over it" on your own will only cause more (and more permanent) pain and damage to you. Please don't let that happen, you deserve so much better than that.

Another iVillage board that would be very helpful to you in the way of support and understanding is the Betrayed Spouses Support, whether you post or just lurk you'll gain, but know it won't take the place of seeing a therapist, that's very important for you. You deserve to be healed from this hurt and that's the place you'll find relief that will be lasting. Huge hugs, Msgilbert ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:44am
I know I just can't get over it. But what I meant to say was I am trying to cope with it. I know I need to see an counsler and I am on a waiting list for an evening appointment. I believe I mentions in my previous messages that the OW got fired from the bank where she worked at in the town where we live. In the process of her getting fired, I have moved work location to another town which is about 22 miles away from where we all live. Today, I find out she is working in the same town I am now and parks in the same parking lot and just works about three doors down from my work place. I feel like she is just torturing me. I can not get away from her or the situation even if I try. I thought once I changed work locations, I would not have to see her and now here she is. IT MAKES ME SO MAD THAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS. They DH, OW and her husband seem to be living there lives as if nothing even happened and I am the one suffering.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:49pm
I understand being angry about this, and I think anger is an appropriate feeling for you to have. I can't imagine how you must feel, having moved to work in a different town, only to find here right there in front of you again. If it's any consolation, I'm betting knowing you park and work that closely is at least as - if not more - torturous for her. You did nothing wrong, she did, and she knows you know. Facing that every day can't be fun.

I'm glad to know you'll be seeing a counslor, and I'm glad your wording was just a misunderstanding. Coping is understandable, it's all you can do at this point. You'll get through this, you will. Until you can get into counseling, be good to yourself, treat and pamper yourself. You deserve it and it really will help.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages