Chores

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Chores
5
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:07pm

Hi,

I was wondering what your opnion of chores was when living with someone. I live with my BF and tired of picking up most of the chores.

Thanks,
Alesssia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: alesssia
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:15am

I've made my expectations clear BEFORE moving in together. Even my ex husband, who was waited on hand and foot by his mom, did his fair share.

However, I've had flatmates in the past who didn't even know where the broom lived. And even if one drew up rosters, it would make no difference. They just have different expectations of house cleanliness to me.

For example, my sister and my mom keep their homes absolutely spotless. Where as I clean when I get around to it. I would drive them nuts if I lived with them. But I've had people that drive me nuts because they're not up to MY standard. It's all relative.

And for what it's worth, I leave my clothes around and it drives my DH nuts. He reminds me now and then, and I try to be good....but I always end up forgetting till he reminds me next time. He's basically accepted me for the messy person I am now.

In short, if you've discussed this with him and he's not changed for the long term - what you see is what you get. You just have to decide whether or not you can live with it.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
In reply to: alesssia
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 7:59am

My opinion is not popular and very old-fashioned, I'm afraid. Let's be realistic here, how many spotlessly clean men who love washing up, hoovering, dusting and generally keeping it all super clean and tidy ARE there? Not many. The majority couldn't care less.. I do care, very much - perhaps too much for some people. So.. I think there is logic behind my thinkig: he does not care; I do; he does not force me to do anything, he just doesn't notice the mess/dirt; why make it difficult and create arguments, tension etc when I can just very quickly and efficiently (years of practice) do it all myself and make all parties happy? I honestly do not see why this is such a big deal. If it's not the case of your partner being just as much of a clean-freak as you are yet still expecting you to do all the chores then I really do not see a problem at all..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
In reply to: alesssia
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 9:48pm

To me, the definition of chores is whatever you BOTH agree needs to be done to maintain your environment in an acceptable condition. For some, it's a full on spring cleaning done every week, for others, it's a little bit of dishwashing, laundry and picking up here and there. If one of you is neater, then whatever higher standards the neat person has, he or she has to maintain his/herself. It sounds tough, but in my experience that's the only thing that works. One of my ex-BF's would not wear a shirt more than once, even if it was still clean - so his laundry would pile up much faster than mine. Solution - he does his own laundry as he needs it (twice a week), and I did mine just once a week. Now, my husband is not bothered by a dirty bathroom, but I am, so I clean it as I find necessary.

I find that if you try to push your standards on someone else, it all ends with both parties dissatisfied and angry.

One thing that worked with my husband: I asked him what he likes to do the most (or hates the least:)) out of the list of chores we came up with. So now he's responsible for dishes, folding clothes and ironing, I clean bathroom/ kitchen, arrange things, do floors. We also discussed when this needs to be done and set objective rules, such as "do dishes when we run out of clean bowls or when the sink/dishwasher is full", instead of me nagging him to do it.

Now, I would be lying if I said this never fails. Things pile up, tempers run high... but at least this way we have an objective way of deciding who is responsible and who's at fault, so he doesn't get offended if I remind him to do his chores.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alesssia
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 1:26am

You're both adults, you're in a partnership, sharing the household duties is a part of that partnership. You are not the maid and neither is he. I agree that this should have been discussed and agreed on before you moved in together, but if you didn't, it's a little late for that. Have you talked to him about the equality of the chores? If not, you need to. And it needs to be talked about when it's not a problem, it needs not to be talked about when you're tired, ticked off about doing all the work or in an argument about something else. If there are "car duties" (washing, waxing, changing oil -- done by him, not at a shop) and/or lawn duties, those need to be included as duties being done. The frequency that they're done with needs to be taken into consideration too (doing the dishes nightly does not equal changing the oil every three months). Make a list of the chores, agree to a split and do your chores only. The thing is that once you've agreed who's chores are who's, you've given up the right to tell him how to do it or criticize the job he's done (within reason). A job that's his is done to his specifications, not yours. Make sense? If you suspect he'll agree to a split but won't actually do his chores, let me know. I won't just make that assumption, it wouldn't be fair! Be sure to tell him how great it is to have a partner in this, letting him know his work has been noticed and appreciated will go a long way.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alesssia
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 1:40am

I agree that if your expectations are beyond just clean and into "clean freak", then yes, you can't expect someone else to perform to your specifications. And if you're happy with that situation, then that's what works for you. I would say though that beyond the cleaning, he should be responsible for picking up after himself, that's only reasonable -- and I don't know that he doesn't. By that I mean taking his dishes to the sink, not leaving glasses laying around, getting his dirty clothes into the hamper, etc. Cleaning and being someone's servant are two different things.


I don't think though, that it's true that most men don't care about cleanliness. Perhaps more young men are less concerned about their living environments being clean than older men, but by the same token, it could be said that younger women are more prone to doing all the housework for these younger men in an effort to "prove" how well they can take care of them and how proficient their skills are. And frankly, if someone's going to do it for you, you'd better believe it's going to be assumed and expected that it'll be done for you in very short order.










~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"