Clarification on previous post
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 02-18-2006 - 10:34am |
I think I may have misrepresented bf's case. The porn on the computers were hidden, however I did manage to find the files after searching. His computer is off limits to the kids so the files he was downloading there would not have been accessible to the kids. The files on my computer were hidden on a second hard drive that the kids do not even know exists. Granted they may have been able to stumble across it accidentally but 99% of the time when the kids are on the computer I'm in the room with them. The files had been downloaded over the course of the past 3 years.
Bf and I have been together for almost a year, we do not live together but do spend almost all of our free time together. He has occassionally stay at my house when I'm at work when I run into a problem with a babysitter. I have a child with special needs and have a full time nurse that tends to that child. When I'm at work overnight the nurse spends the night here and there is another babysitter that cares for the other children. Occassionally that babysitter will have conflicts with her schedule and that is when bf stays here when I'm working. This has happened a total of 3 times in the past 8 months so it's not like he's here alone with my kids all the time.
The underage porn files involved girls from age 16 on up. The files were involved girls from the age of 16 - mid 20's. I know the stuff involving minors is illegal (and immoral in my book) but this was not little kids.
Looking at porn does not make a pedophile. Granted it is a red flag but if you look at the male population I can bet that a majority of them have viewed some sort of porn at one time or another in their life. That doesn't mean they're all pedophiles. I am very aware of the signs of a pedophile as I worked as an advocate for abused children for nearly 10 years.
I was hoping to find support with dealing with a very diffucult situation within my relationship. Instead I was told that the solution is to end the relationship, maybe I went to the wrong board looking for support. I guess I was mislead as I thought the title "problem solving for couples" would help me find a solution to solve the problem not throw it away. I did go to the board families affected by pornography and read many of the posts, that might be a better place to find a solution for this.
I understand everyone's post about protecting my children, with my background and experience I have always put my children first and foremost before anyone, including myself & my own happiness.
I did have a very indepth conversation with bf the other night and I told him that I would not live with lies of any sort. I absolutely will not tolerate being lied to. He did admit to what he had done and assured me that it would never happen again. Regardless of what he said and what he promised, trust has been lost in this relationship and it's going to take a lot to mend that. As much as I hate ultimatums I did give him one and am dead serious about it. I told him that if there were ANY issues of porn again or any more lies that the relationship would be over immediately.

Pages
You said in your first post that this has happened 3 times already...why do you think *this time* is going to be any different? He'll just hide it better and lie more, and you'll be constantly searching and checking up on him all the time to "make sure" he's not lying to you...ugh. Is that really how you want to live?
Some problems can't be solved, at least not at a cost that is acceptable.
Sheri
That he is willing to participate in illegal and immoral activities (cause I'm sorry, but a 16 year old is STILL a child)...... Nope, sorry. I don't have any constructive advice on how to make this work.
Jen
Edited 2/18/2006 8:44 pm ET by imasillynut
EMT, I'm glad to hear that your children aren't at risk. If I had known what I know now, I would have made a different reply to you. A thorough history can make all the difference to people's interpretation of your situation. I agree that porn does not make a pedophile, but 16yo porn is still icky and sends up my red flags. Though in this case, it's probably not illegal because the porn stars would most likely be 18yo girls being presented as 16yo girls.
Yes, I know that this board is called "Problem Solving for Couples" and you wanted solutions to your problem. However, some problems aren't fixable - expecially when the problem is something that is out of your control. You can't influence his choices in life.
Getting back to your problem, I don't believe for a moment that he won't lie to you again. As Dr Phil says "the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour". Your boyfriend has promised that he won't lie to you again - but he's made (and broken) this same promise before. What makes you think that this time is any different?
I think that it's great that you've told him that any more porn downloads will spell the end of your relationship. But make sure that you stay true to your word. And don't give him any flexibility or more chances. To be honest, if I were you I would have made this ultimatum the very first time he lied to me.
Last of all, if your trust is permanently damaged it's OK to end the relationship because of this. We don't have to forgive people when they've done the wrong thing - sometimes it's wiser to heed the warning signs and get out.
Will it ever change?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/20/2006 12:19 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You seem to have no idea that a man who is interested in teen porn is potentially a danger to children. You argue that "everybody looks at porn". Well that may be near true, but it is far from "everybody" that downloads hundreds of porn files. It is a porn addict that downloads hundreds of porn files, and as for his files having been downloaded over a period of several years, porn addicts are well known for having a "collection" of porn spanning several years worth of collecting. You can argue that watching teen porn (which is kiddie porn) does not make the viewer more prone to becoming a pedophile (sexual contact with a person who is under the age of 18 is pedophile behavior) but every therapist who works with porn/sex addicts will tell you differently. You said, "Looking at porn does not make a pedophile. Granted it is a red flag but if you look at the male population I can bet that a majority of them have viewed some sort of porn at one time or another in their life. That doesn't mean they're all pedophiles. " I agree, looking at porn does not necessarily make a pedophile, but downloading hundreds of files and being interested in underage porn amps up the odds considerably. So you're saying this man is worth the risk to your children? You finished that paragraph by saying, "I am very aware of the signs of a pedophile as I worked as an advocate for abused children for nearly 10 years." I have a hard time thinking that any abuse advocate would say, "even though the signs indicate this man may be a danger, since you know the signs to look for in a pedophile, it's okay to continue having him in your life and in the lives of your children." My feeling is that any abuse organization would strongly advocate quite differently than that.
You are upset about not finding support for this difficult situation because this is a "problem solving board". Let me ask you this, as a child abuse advocate, would you find it advisable to try to help someone find a way to bring their abusive husband back into their children's home? Or would you feel that helping such a woman get her husband back in the home inadvisable? I realize you don't understand and you don't agree, but frankly, I have to live with myself. Closing off my concern for this situation and my belief about this, sucking it up and helping you keep this man in your life isn't possible for me. Just because this is a problem solving board doesn't mean all relationship problems are resolvable, it doesn't mean all relationships should be encouraged to continue. You asked the opinions of the members here and you got them -- quite a few -- and they were all in agreement. Honestly, if you had no children I would still urge you to stay far away from this man, and I believe the rest of the members would urge the same. Life with a sex addict, life with a man who may be a pedophile, and one who is following the path of becoming a pedophile is not something I would encourage or advocate for anyone.
You said, "I know the stuff involving minors is illegal (and immoral in my book)..." How is it that you're interested in a relationship with and arguing for this man who's desires, preferences, choices and turn ons you consider immoral? I don't get how you can compromise on your own morality, and with this specific issues more so as you're a mother.
You said, "I told him that I would not live with lies of any sort. I absolutely will not tolerate being lied to." I hate to tell you, but you already have tolerated being lied to, you already have lived with lies. This isn't the first time you've made this discovery and this isn't the first time you've let it go. Your words may say one thing, but your actions have told him quite clearly -- not once, but three times -- that you do tolerate being lied to and you do live with lies. He's gotten away with it not once, but three times and he knows it's okay to continue, you'll be mad the next time you find it, but you'll threaten and let it go, just like you have before.
If nothing else, your boyfriend is a porn addict. He's assured you it will not happen again. What's "it"? That he won't let you find it again? What I didn't hear him say was that he doesn't like what he's doing, that he wants to stop and he's ready to get help. Without those elements "it" will continue for sure. Addicts can't and don't just stop because their girlfriends want them to. Is life with a porn addict what you want for your life? Having to continually and constantly police and protect the situation to keep your children from being exposed to pornography? Are you comfortable being in a relationship with a man who has a sexual preference for teens, especially as your children grow older? How will you feel when your children reach the age of his preferred sex fantasy/partner? Porn addicts have friendships with other porn addicts, they hook up via the internet to trade files and chat about their preferences. Your boyfriend may not be interested in crossing the line to a sexual relationship with children, but these friends he meets may well have that on their agenda. As an abuse advocate you should be well aware of that. Now you're trusting your porn addict boyfriend's judgment for who's appropriate to be around your kids. You're comfortable with that? His porn is illegal and even if he's not under investigation, one of his friends might be, it's not at all uncommon for the feds to scoop up friends they discover while surveilling a child porn subject. Prison, supervision and a lifetime of registering as a sex offender is what's in store if your boyfriend gets caught doing what he chooses to do. Is that okay with you? I'm sorry you don't feel supported. In your situation, I don't know how we could have answered any other way.
I am well aware of the Families Damaged by Pornography board. I direct posters there all the time. In your case, I didn't feel it was advisable considering his interest is child porn and the fact that you have children. I don't believe looking for a way to continue a relationship with this man is advisable and I didn't think giving you that impression was advisable. I doubt anyone in your abuse advocacy group would think any differently. A very informative informational post you'll find on the Families Damaged by Pornography board is Pedophilia A portion of that post discusses the kind of conditioning I mentioned in crossing over from porn to pedophilia.
You may have always put your children first and foremost, but in this situation, you are not. Any way you slice it, they are at risk; we may not "know", but neither do you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/20/2006 12:40 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
In your first post you said <> EXACTLY. And with all the red flags and serious warning signs that are here, the implications and possibilities are deadly serious. Looking the other way won't make the reality any different and in the end it won't make you feel any better about the choices you're making.
EMT, I cannot and do not believe that deep down inside you actually believe what you're saying. No man is worth the risk you're putting your children in.
Be concerned he's a pedophile or dismiss it entirely, either way this is not a man to stick with. Time to face the reality and make a decision you don't want to make. It's the right thing to do.
<> Nope. It's happened 3 times, the pattern's already been proven.
Edited 2/20/2006 2:14 pm ET by marcymayschwartz
Apparently you’re under the impression that pedophiles are born, not evolved, and that’s not really the case. Like most things, becoming a pedophile is an acquired taste, so to speak. Often those who become pedophiles don’t begin with preferences for children (teens are in this group) at all. They start by “innocently” watching child porn, which begins the desensitization process (by desensitize I mean helps them believe it’s an okay thing, makes it an acceptable thing to them), the more they watch it, the more “ok” it becomes. They begin to fantasize, which further desensitizes them. Fantasizing while masturbating furthers the desensitization. That can go on for a long time before they ever actually touch a child. What evolves from this process is a pedophile.
Maybe your guy never will get to the stages where he’s actually physically interested in children. But he’s certainly doing things that will take him there. The fact that he can look at teens in pornography and find it acceptable should be a huge red flag – what kind of parent thinks that? What kind of protector of children is that? A person with such little concern and respect for children should have no part in your children’s lives or the life of their mother because to be with him is disrespecting and unprotective of them.
Do you get the Sunday paper? If you do, check out the Parade section from yesterday, coincidentally, the cover story is children in pornography. Also coincidentally, there is a new post on the other board you mentioned, Families Damaged by Pornography that asks about pedophilia and got quite a detailed response. I hope you read it. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psfamporn&msg=4953.1
Forgetting all the danger and ugliness that surrounds this man, he has repeatedly lied to you and will continue to do so. Staying with him means accepting that he'll continue to hide and do things you say you don't approve of but continue to accept.
This is not clarification, it is confirmation that there is something desparately wrong here.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
You know Lurkerdelux,
I really wish the OP would not have taken offense and stopped responding.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Pages