Clarification on previous post

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Clarification on previous post
11
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 10:34am

I think I may have misrepresented bf's case. The porn on the computers were hidden, however I did manage to find the files after searching. His computer is off limits to the kids so the files he was downloading there would not have been accessible to the kids. The files on my computer were hidden on a second hard drive that the kids do not even know exists. Granted they may have been able to stumble across it accidentally but 99% of the time when the kids are on the computer I'm in the room with them. The files had been downloaded over the course of the past 3 years.

Bf and I have been together for almost a year, we do not live together but do spend almost all of our free time together. He has occassionally stay at my house when I'm at work when I run into a problem with a babysitter. I have a child with special needs and have a full time nurse that tends to that child. When I'm at work overnight the nurse spends the night here and there is another babysitter that cares for the other children. Occassionally that babysitter will have conflicts with her schedule and that is when bf stays here when I'm working. This has happened a total of 3 times in the past 8 months so it's not like he's here alone with my kids all the time.

The underage porn files involved girls from age 16 on up. The files were involved girls from the age of 16 - mid 20's. I know the stuff involving minors is illegal (and immoral in my book) but this was not little kids.

Looking at porn does not make a pedophile. Granted it is a red flag but if you look at the male population I can bet that a majority of them have viewed some sort of porn at one time or another in their life. That doesn't mean they're all pedophiles. I am very aware of the signs of a pedophile as I worked as an advocate for abused children for nearly 10 years.

I was hoping to find support with dealing with a very diffucult situation within my relationship. Instead I was told that the solution is to end the relationship, maybe I went to the wrong board looking for support. I guess I was mislead as I thought the title "problem solving for couples" would help me find a solution to solve the problem not throw it away. I did go to the board families affected by pornography and read many of the posts, that might be a better place to find a solution for this.

I understand everyone's post about protecting my children, with my background and experience I have always put my children first and foremost before anyone, including myself & my own happiness.

I did have a very indepth conversation with bf the other night and I told him that I would not live with lies of any sort. I absolutely will not tolerate being lied to. He did admit to what he had done and assured me that it would never happen again. Regardless of what he said and what he promised, trust has been lost in this relationship and it's going to take a lot to mend that. As much as I hate ultimatums I did give him one and am dead serious about it. I told him that if there were ANY issues of porn again or any more lies that the relationship would be over immediately.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:06pm
It seems to me your thoughts are a lot more than one woman's opinion. It appears that your thoughts are the very strong consensus of everyone who responded. Her posts evoked some very strong responses. I wonder if she recognizes that so many immediately saw great danger as a danger sign that she is blind to reality?

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